13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

The chapter opens with the story of Jack, a young boy whose legs were broken when a school bus struck him. His mother’s constant recounting of the accident and her protective decision to home-school him kept Jack isolated, while her focus on what had been lost reinforced a narrative of victimhood. When Jack finally met with a therapist, the clinician refused to indulge his mother’s self-pity and instead framed the incident as a triumph: Jack had “manage[d] to get into a fight with a school bus” and won (17). By encouraging Jack to write a heroic account and by urging his parents to view him as resilient rather than fragile, the therapist shifted the family’s perspective from helplessness to agency.

From this vignette, the author extrapolates a broader argument: Self-pity is a destructive “non-pharmaceutical narcotic” (16)—in the words of John Gardner—that consumes mental energy, amplifies negative emotions, and blocks constructive action. The chapter enumerates common signs of self-pity: ruminating on personal misfortune, believing that one’s problems are uniquely severe, withdrawing from pleasurable activities, and seeking sympathy through complaint. It explains why self-pity feels rewarding: It offers temporary comfort, garners attention, and provides an excuse to avoid responsibility. Yet the author stresses that this coping strategy is illusory; it merely postpones confronting real challenges and can spiral into a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.