13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

In this chapter, Morin explores the destructive pattern of attempting to control uncontrollable circumstances, using the case study of James, a father locked in a bitter custody battle with his ex-wife, Carmen. James exemplifies how the illusion of control can consume one’s energy and damage relationships—he spent years trying to manipulate court decisions, change his ex-wife’s parenting style, and even interfere with her dating life, all while neglecting the one thing he could control: building a positive relationship with his daughter during their time together.

Morin introduces the psychological concept of “locus of control,” which determines whether individuals believe their outcomes depend primarily on their own actions (internal locus) or external factors like fate and luck (external locus). While Western culture often idealizes internal control—reflected in mantras like “You can do anything if you put your mind to it” (77)—Morin argues that extreme internal control can be just as problematic as feeling completely powerless. The author advocates for a “bi-locus of control” (79), recognizing that success results from both personal effort and external factors beyond one’s influence.

This perspective reflects broader cultural tensions in contemporary self-help literature, where empowerment messages sometimes clash with psychological research on the limits of individual agency. Morin’s approach offers a more nuanced alternative to the “You create your own reality” philosophy that dominated much of 20th-century personal-development thinking.