All the Way to the River: Love, Loss, and Liberation

Gilbert reflects on the death of her partner, Rayya, whom she describes as an expressive and passionate woman. In the months after Rayya’s death, Gilbert would often feel her presence and have conversations with her in her head. However, as the years passed, she felt that Rayya was less accessible to her. She was saddened and confused by this. Time marched on, and Gilbert drastically changed her life, confronting her dependencies on drugs and alcohol and abstaining from relationships to focus on her own self-development.

Suddenly, on Gilbert’s fifty-fourth birthday, she felt a “churning, energetic current of pure Rayyaness” in her little New York City apartment and felt that her partner was speaking to her (1). Gilbert claims to transcribe what Rayya’s spirit said to her: Rayya acknowledges their relationship’s turmoil and dysfunction as well as its intense love, and she encourages Gilbert to stay focused on her addiction recovery and her writing work. Gilbert credits this conversation with inspiring her to write this book, in which she tells the full story of her relationship with Rayya Elias and their struggles with addiction. Gilbert argues that everyone’s life has been affected by either their own addictions to substances or behaviors, or someone else’s. While she feels that her and Rayya’s experiences are extreme examples of this, she believes that there are universal themes in her story.

Gilbert dedicates this passage to describing her late partner. She details Rayya’s upbringing as a Syrian immigrant growing up in Detroit, Michigan, where she felt out of place as a queer, androgynous woman. Rebellious from a young age, Rayya defied the norms of her family and society, engaging in drug dealing and drug use from her early teens. Creatively talented, Rayya became a filmmaker and musician but never achieved mainstream success or professional stability. Her addiction caused problems in her life, and while she took part in some recovery programs, Gilbert argues that she never fully submitted to them and eventually made the mistake of believing that she had graduated from addiction. Gilbert recalls Rayya’s love and care for her family and friends; she was engaged, kind, and forgiving, yet could be stubborn, needy, and rebellious. She explains that after years of friendship, she and Rayya became romantic partners when they learned that Rayya had terminal liver and pancreatic cancer. In the final months of her life, Rayya returned to active addiction, causing Gilbert immense pain and stress. In spite of this turmoil, Gilbert lovingly recalls Rayya’s boisterous and unique presence.

Gilbert writes in verse about the grief, shame, and pain she feels while reflecting on her relationship, as well as her desire for comfort. She believes that everything belongs to God, and everything comes “home to God” to “live forever” (17).

Rayya often used New York city geography to categorize friends. For instance, Fifth Avenue friends were acquaintances and superficial connections, while Fourth and Third avenue friends were “polite” friendships but with more real intimacy (18). Second and First avenue friends, meanwhile, are truly intimate, deep connections. Next, the Avenue A, B and C friends are people with whom you share a long, close history and with whom you can be really vulnerable. Finally, the closest friend in your life is the person who will walk to the East River with you. Gilbert writes, “This is the friend who knows everything” (18). Rayya and Gilbert were each other’s “river” friends, and proudly so. However, Gilbert reflects on the other meaning behind this metaphor: the walk to the East River becomes increasingly dirty and dangerous as you go. Gilbert realizes that this is actually a perfect reflection of how her relationship with Rayya progressed, as the more intimate they became, the more “painful” and “rough” it became (20). Gilbert clarifies that she does not regret her relationship, but admits she never wants to experience a relationship like that again.

In a poem, Gilbert wrestles with her need for control and her desire to assert her will onto others. She confronts God, complaining about the world’s problems and how weak and disempowered she feels. In her questions, she is self-deprecating, acknowledging how her desire to control others does no good.

When Gilbert was 31 and in her first marriage, her friend recommended that she see Rayya for a haircut. Three years sober from her addiction to cocaine and heroin, Rayya made a living giving haircuts out of her apartment. A talented musician, she struggled to feel confident performing while sober. The two bonded over their creative pursuits—Gilbert as a writer and Rayya as a musician—and Gilbert enjoyed Rayya’s exuberant and “cool” demeanor. She was especially impressed by Rayya’s confident and assertive personality, which was far from her own quieter and more passive one. At the time, Gilbert was working full time and acting as the homemaker in her home, and her husband wanted them to have children. She recalls feeling like she was living someone else’s life and beginning to crack under the pressure to fulfill all these roles. Rayya was also intrigued by Gilbert, who seemed to be comfortable with her creative pursuits and appeared to Rayya as having a “big circle of golden light” around her head (31).

Gilbert recenters her narrative on herself, admitting that she has a tendency to become overwhelmed with her care or fascination for others, to the detriment of herself. She confesses that she is addicted to love and sex and for years has sought comfort, excitement, and validation through romantic relationships. Without others’ “love, attention, validation, and approval” or “LAVA,” Gilbert feels as though she is dying (35). She admits that her decades of addiction have caused “tremendous harm” to herself and others through infidelity, manipulation, seduction and objectification (35). Gilbert emphasizes the gravity of being addicted to love and sex, which can prompt murder, suicide, or even death from heartbreak. She calls such an addiction “a matter of life and death” (36).

While Rayya suffered from a substance addiction, Gilbert’s struggle is known as a “process addiction,” since it involves a repeated pattern of destructive behavior (36). Some neurologists and psychologists  attribute this condition to unstable or unsafe childhood experiences. Gilbert states that people with love and sex addictions experience intense rushes of feel-good hormones during infatuation, even experiencing a “god-like sense of euphoria” (37). Yet these good times come at a cost, as the person’s sense of risk and perception of reality becomes skewed, leading to poor decisions. When the relationship is over, people like Gilbert experience “withdrawal,” causing intense depression (38).

Gilbert admits that like all people experiencing addiction, she has lived double lives and kept secrets from others. Looking back, she realizes that all of her therapy and spiritual practices over decades of her life did not address her love and sex addiction, allowing her to think she was simply “messed up” and forge on with her relationships. She believes that shame and secrecy discourage people with addictions from sharing their experiences. Gilbert clarifies that she does not judge Rayya for her addiction, since she has addictions too. She feels that all of humanity is “innocent,” since everyone is grappling with their personal histories and demons with their own coping strategies (43).

Writing in verse, Gilbert expresses her understanding of God. She believes they are not a mother or father figure, nor a judge or king. Rather than manifesting as laws or commandments, she believes God is an “extraordinary tenderness” which wants liberation for everyone (45).

Gilbert defines codependency as either “excessive emotional or psychological dependence upon another person” or “An intense feeling of responsibility for another person’s life” (46). She calls people in such relationships “codependents” and explains that one will usually act as a hero figure, obsessing over how to rescue the other person and resolve their pain. Making their life about someone else is a subconscious way of avoiding their own problems and will cause resentment or disruptions in their life. Meanwhile, the other person in the relationship feels disempowered and relies on the other to save or care for them. Gilbert claims that this relationship pattern can occur in any type of relationship and that, without intervention, people tend to repeat the pattern.

For Gilbert, living as a human on Earth feels like being in “Earth School,” a kind of intense academy in which every experience is a lesson which we can use for our spiritual evolution. She does not know if this is really how reality is structured, but she chooses to think of it this way as it is a good antidote to despair. She explains, “A more fruitful question than ‘Why me?’ could be ‘How might this terrible situation be perfectly designed to help me to evolve?’” (49). She imagines how people might have different “jobs” in each other’s lives by challenging each other and prompting personal growth.

Gilbert explains that after her first divorce, she traveled the world and wrote a book about her experience. Her memoir Eat Pray Love was a massive commercial success, and Gilbert became wealthy overnight. She laments that, given her codependent tendencies and low self-esteem, she felt badly about having so much money, and generously gave away large sums to friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers. In hindsight, Gilbert believes that just as her desire to be faithful to her second husband was a way of challenging her love and sex addiction, giving away money was a symptom of her anxiety and “mania” about it.

Meanwhile, Gilbert continued to see Rayya for monthly haircuts. The two continued to bond, with Rayya discussing her continued sobriety, her love of real estate, and her creativity. Rayya soon endured a string of bad luck: A knee surgery left her with chronic pain, her romantic relationship ended, and the stock market crashed, causing financial hardship. Soon she was living alone in a tiny studio apartment, feeling down. When a mutual friend told Gilbert that Rayya needed emotional support, Gilbert’s codependency was further activated, and she started “strategizing how I could save my hairdresser’s life” (56).

Gilbert writes a poem in which she characterizes herself as foolish and impulsive. She reflects on how God has allowed her to “to throw myself headlong / into street fights / and doomed love stories / and comic operas / and courtroom dramas / and all my other fierce little high-stakes battles” (59). Gilbert believes that God is watching her and waiting for her to admit defeat and return to God.

Years before, Gilbert had purchased a small, heritage church in New Jersey, feeling convinced that she should live there. When she and her husband returned to the US, Gilbert found the place too small for both of them, and they moved to a house. However, Gilbert still loved the church, which had been converted into a peaceful, unique home. She kept it, intending for it to become an artists’ retreat someday. She ponders how quickly she thought about giving away what she had felt was meant for her, attributing this again to her codependent tendencies.

When Rayya was struggling, Gilbert brought her to the church, which she offered for her to live in, rent-free, for three months. Rayya was grateful and emotional and shared her pain and fears for the future, while Gilbert was reassuring and generous. In reality, Rayya lived there for nine years, up until her death.

Gilbert argues that “overgiving,” or being generous at the expense of yourself, is a fairly common phenomenon. She cites research showing that married women with children tend to have lower life expectancies and lower life satisfaction than single women. Meanwhile, married men seem to benefit from being married, as they outlive and are happier than single men. Gilbert theorizes that this phenomenon, which sociologists call the “marriage benefit imbalance,” is due to women overgiving to those around them while denying their own needs and wishes (69). When taken to an extreme, overgiving can be a symptom of an inner emotional problem. For instance Gilbert shares that her overgiving stems from her desire to be loved by others so she can feel safe and secure. By pouring love and validation onto others in the form of favors and gifts, Gilbert hopes to earn their love back.

Gilbert agrees with Colombian novelist Gabriel García Márquez that everyone has a public life, a private life, and a secret life. In the years after her memoir Eat Pray Love was published, Gilbert had a thriving public life: she was celebrated for her work, did interviews and TED Talks, and maintained a professional public image. She recalls how, in many ways, she was doing well during those years, which were “the happiest and most stable years of my life thus far” (75). Gilbert’s private life was also good overall; she enjoyed her relationship with her ex-husband, with whom she is still friendly. Yet sadly, in spite of Gilbert’s many successes and best intentions, she remained haunted by feelings of insecurity and anxiety, making her “secret life” an ongoing struggle. While she went to therapy, tried different medications, and numerous other happiness practices, she neglected the spiritual beliefs and practices she had learned in India, leaving God out of her life.