All the Way to the River: Love, Loss, and Liberation

Once she processed her diagnosis, Rayya felt euphoric about her impending death, realizing that she would never have to worry about the stressful or depressing aspects of life ever again. She took comfort in knowing roughly when she would die, and what she would die of, and decided to embrace all her passions and live wildly while she could. Gilbert did everything she could to make Rayya’s life exciting and interesting, helping her record music, speak to prison inmates, be featured in a documentary about death, perform readings, and generally enjoy life. Rayya’s determination to live big was contagious, and despite the sad circumstances, Gilbert also felt exhilarated to be her lover and to be living without “the shackles of respectability and responsibility” (162).

Both Gilbert and Rayya were indulging in alcohol and prescription marijuana during this time, in addition to MDMA and psychedelic mushrooms. Yet Gilbert believes their own hormonal highs became the most powerful “drug” as their mutual infatuation reached its peak. Looking back now, Gilbert can see how her addiction took over as she committed her whole life to making Rayya happy, neglecting her family, friends, health and professional goals in the process. Gilbert lived as if she was dying as well, sparing no expense to satisfy Rayya’s wishes. She realizes now that this overgiving was “romantic annihilation” which she chose to do as she lost her own life and identity in Rayya’s (166).

Writing in verse from God’s perspective, Gilbert reflects on her need to earn more, attain more, and know more. God counters these habits by urging her to be simple and content, giving up her “hungers” and instead embracing “peace” (169).

After a few months of intense bliss, during which she and Rayya ignored the mundane tasks of life, Gilbert and Rayya began to come down from their “high.” Rayya’s family and friends were anguished that she was accepting of her death, urging her to explore treatment options and try something to extend her life. Rayya began to experience pain from her tumors, and agreed to try three months of chemo, just to placate her family. Gilbert ponders whether Rayya was secretly hopeful that she would live longer and became more afraid of death as it approached.

Rayya’s chemo shrank her tumors, but at the expense of her physical and mental health. Constantly in pain, Rayya struggled to do anything, even sleep. This took a great toll on Gilbert, too, as she was her constant caregiver, night and day. While Gilbert was exhausted, she also felt like her devotion to Rayya was a new expression of their bond, and she experienced the unconditional love of a mother for the first time. Gilbert believed that she would not burn out, and she was proud of her intense love and devotion. She feels that if Rayya had died during this time, Gilbert would recall their relationship as a beautiful love affair that helped her learn how to become a selfless carer. However, their story ended in a much different way.

As Rayya’s condition worsened, she returned to using cocaine regularly. She was kicked out of a hospice due to her rude treatment of its staff. Her escalating drug use and pain caused her to become cruel and verbally abusive to Gilbert, too, who felt completely trapped in her new life sharing a luxury rental apartment with an enraged, drug-addicted Rayya.

Gilbert was devastated that her “beloved” had suddenly changed into a “venomous junkie” (185).

When Gilbert questioned why things unfolded the way they did, God simply responded that it is what it is.

Gilbert admits that she avoided writing the upcoming chapters of this book, since their truth is painful to her. She wishes that her book were more inspiring and uplifting and made her and Rayya seem more likeable. She longs to paint a better picture of Rayya and herself, but she feels she must surrender completely to the truth.

Gilbert backtracks in her narrative, trying to understand how she and Rayya reached such an awful point of addiction and enablement. After three months of chemo, Rayya decided to stop completely, and for a while, she felt a bit better. She and Gilbert escaped through psilocybin (psychedelic) mushrooms. However, Rayya still required a lot of care and attention, and Gilbert felt herself beginning to crack under the pressure and exhaustion. On New Year’s morning, Gilbert took a long walk to the East River, an annual ritual for her, and encountered an elderly woman who was completely lost. The woman confessed that she couldn’t remember anything, only that she was Ukrainian and that her daughter would be missing her. Gilbert bundled the woman in her hat and scarf and walked her towards the Ukrainian neighborhood, where one of her friends came out to get her. The woman had clearly grown up in poverty and had a habit of collecting loose change from the sidewalks; at the end of their walk she gifted Gilbert the six pennies. Gilbert was moved by the encounter and felt like it was some kind of sign. When she returned home, Rayya was on the floor, surrounded by vomit. Crying and angry, she told Gilbert to never abandon her again. This is when things began to slide into chaos.

Rayya couldn’t sleep and wouldn’t let Gilbert do so either. Her needs were constant and her mental state increasingly frayed. As much as Gilbert wanted to be a superhero for Rayya, after weeks of sleep deprivation, she admitted that she could not stand it anymore. She tried hiring night nurses or having friends sleep over, but Rayya hated this and insisted that she needed Gilbert specifically. Her doctors suggested morphine to manage her pain, but Rayya was reluctant since she had recovered from an opioid addiction before. They insisted that since her dosage would be managed, it would provide safe relief up until her death. Rayya immediately became her strong and steady self again after the first dose of morphine, and Gilbert was relieved, since Rayya’s strength had always been like “morphine” to her.

The Alcoholics Anonymous guide describes addiction as “‘cunning, baffling, and powerful,’” and Gilbert agrees (203). She cannot say for certain when both she and Rayya succumbed completely to their respective addictions, but soon she was enabling Rayya’s ravenous need for cocaine as pain relief. When prescription methadone and fentanyl did not work, Rayya told Gilbert to get out cash so she could buy a huge amount of cocaine that would last until her death. This began a pattern of Gilbert giving Rayya money for drugs, feeling powerless to stop her or deny her wishes. Looking back, Gilbert can see how she sacrificed her sanity, health and finances to meet Rayya’s every demand, even as Rayya became abusive to her. With her partner now unrecognizable, Gilbert often locked herself in the bathroom, crying, while Rayya used her drugs.

Rayya’s behavior was intolerable to Gilbert. She continued to rouse Gilbert from sleep constantly, and her paranoia and hallucinations intensified. At this time, Gilbert felt that she could only stop the chaos and pain by killing Rayya. Gilbert decided to murder her and began carefully planning this act. She stole pills from Rayya’s collection and took them to the park, pondering how to get her to overdose. What frightened Gilbert the most was not punishment, but Rayya herself, as she was convinced that Rayya would kill her if she had any inkling of what Gilbert was doing. When Gilbert returned home from the park and greeted Rayya, she was stunned by her partner’s reply: “Don’t you start plotting against me now, Liz” (211).

Terrified, Gilbert left the apartment and wandered the city for hours, wondering what to do. She felt as though she and Rayya may have acted out this absurd drama in many lifetimes. She also accepted that she could never kill Rayya, whose toughness was legendary, but she could kill herself. As she pondered suicide, Gilbert heard God’s voice telling her that she was out of power and needed help.

Writing in verse, Gilbert takes God’s perspective and reflects on her constant feelings of displacement and longing. God asks Gilbert to stop fighting reality and simply “surrender” and “belong” (215).

In agony, Gilbert collapsed on a bench and called her loved ones. Rather than keeping up the pretense of her and Rayya being fine, she finally admitted what was really going on. Her friends listened to her and imparted their wisdom. Most of them encouraged her not to take Rayya’s abuse personally, since she was not in her right mind. They told her to care for her own body and spirit or she would die along with Rayya. Finally, one insightful old friend told her to consider seeking help for sex and love addiction.

Gilbert was intrigued to consider that she had her own problems and addictions that were fueling the chaos in her life. However, her codependency prompted her to try to regain control of the situation, and she decided to stage a spur of the moment intervention for Rayya. Gilbert gathered some friends and confronted Rayya about her behavior and cocaine use. Rayya lashed out, denied that she had a problem and used the excuse of her imminent death. When the argument got heated, Gilbert mentioned all the ways she had helped Rayya, who then claimed that she wished they had never gotten together as a couple. Gilbert left in tears and stayed away for weeks.