Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

Josephson addresses how chronic fawning disconnects individuals from their authentic selves, leaving many feeling lost well into adulthood. When people grow up prioritizing a caregiver’s needs over their own, they often suppress their interests and desires to gain approval. This pattern prevents genuine self-discovery, as energy goes toward pleasing others rather than exploring personal passions and values.

Josephson identifies several key obstacles to self-reconnection. The “healing fantasy,” a concept drawn from psychologist Lindsay Gibson’s work on emotionally immature parents, describes how children create imaginary scenarios where becoming “enough” would finally earn parental love (262). These fantasies often persist into adulthood as beliefs that achieving certain milestones—wealth, fame, physical attractiveness, or the perfect partner—will cure emotional emptiness. Perfectionism compounds this issue by making people afraid to try anything new for fear of being seen as imperfect or failing publicly.

The author emphasizes distinguishing between anxiety and intuition, describing anxiety as jittery and urgent while intuition feels calm and clear. Trauma can make safety feel dangerous because it seems unfamiliar. Josephson argues that intuition remains innate and accessible beneath layers of fear, requiring one to slow down and listen rather than force one’s way toward clarity.

Josephson’s practical recommendations center on cultivating self-trust and spending intentional time alone. She suggests pausing before seeking external validation, asking oneself what one thinks before consulting others. Quality alone time—whether a few minutes or longer periods—creates space for the inner voice to emerge without constant information consumption. This practice differs from hyper-independence, which involves pushing away emotional connection out of fear. True healing, according to Josephson, means feeling at home within oneself while also maintaining nurturing relationships.

The chapter concludes by encouraging readers to reconnect with childhood interests and daydreams as pathways back to their authentic selves. Josephson frames healing not as reaching a fixed destination but as an ongoing process of accepting where one is while continuing to evolve. This perspective challenges contemporary self-help culture’s emphasis on optimization and instead promotes self-acceptance alongside growth.



Chapter Lessons

• Chronic fawning disconnects people from their authentic selves because they prioritize others’ needs over exploring their own interests, often leaving them feeling behind in self-discovery as adults.
• Distinguishing between anxiety (jittery, urgent) and intuition (calm, clear) helps individuals trust their inner guidance rather than seeking constant external validation.
• Quality alone time—free from distractions like social media and constant information consumption—creates necessary space for reconnecting with one’s inner voice and desires.
• Reconnecting with childhood interests and daydreams can reveal authentic parts of oneself that were suppressed, as healing often involves returning to who one was before social conditioning took hold.

Reflection Questions

• When making decisions, do you typically pause to consider your own thoughts and feelings first, or do you immediately seek opinions from others? What might change if you consulted yourself before turning outward?
• Josephson describes the “healing fantasy” as believing that achieving certain milestones will finally make you feel enough. Is there a version of this fantasy operating in your own life, and if so, what is it promising you that feels missing from your present reality?