Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

In this concluding chapter, Josephson explores how personal healing extends beyond individuals to serve the broader community. She begins by emphasizing a fundamental truth of therapeutic work: Many people experience similar emotional struggles, yet feel isolated in their suffering. Drawing from her experience as a therapist, Josephson notes that clients frequently ask whether others share their feelings, revealing how private and hidden these inner experiences remain despite their universality. This observation reflects contemporary discourse about mental health, particularly relevant in an era when social media creates curated versions of vulnerability rather than genuine connection.

Josephson distinguishes between active healing work and simply living. She describes her own journey from an intensive period of trauma work in her early 20s—characterized by constant self-examination and hypervigilance—to a more balanced state focused on radical acceptance. This shift represents movement away from survival mode, in which pain is all-consuming and becomes the center of one’s entire existence, much like a physical injury demands complete attention until it heals. The author’s framework here builds on trauma theory developed by researchers like Bessel van der Kolk, who documented how trauma keeps individuals trapped in survival responses.

The chapter’s central argument positions personal healing as inherently collective. Josephson contends that individuals cannot effectively advocate for others or support broader liberation movements without first addressing their own needs and patterns. She invokes writer bell hooks to reinforce this point, suggesting that each act of self-compassion creates ripples in the collective consciousness. Practically, Josephson recommends that people support others stuck in fawning responses by offering slowness, compassion, and steadiness, and by modeling rootedness in oneself.

Josephson concludes by releasing readers from perfectionism in their healing journeys. She acknowledges that setbacks are inevitable—people will continue fawning, overthinking, and seeking reassurance—but the progress lies in awareness itself. She frames healing as processing generational trauma that one’s ancestors lacked resources to address, making this work both personal and intergenerational.

Chapter Lessons

• Personal healing creates ripples that benefit the collective, as individuals who heal themselves gain capacity to support others from a place of genuine compassion rather than fear or obligation.
• Progress in healing is measured by awareness of old patterns rather than their complete elimination, and setbacks are parts of the process rather than failures.
• Supporting others in their healing requires modeling rootedness, offering slowness and compassion, and inviting them to look inward rather than constantly seeking external validation.
• Healing trauma is intergenerational work that processes pain ancestors could not address, making personal healing efforts part of a larger cycle of generational liberation.

Reflection Questions

• When you think about your own healing journey, do you approach it with perfectionism and harsh self-criticism, or with compassion and patience? How might shifting your internal dialogue about setbacks change your experience?
• In what areas of your life do you notice yourself unable to advocate for others because you struggle to advocate for yourself? What would it look like to work on your own liberation in those specific areas?