Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

In this chapter, Josephson explores how fawning—a trauma response characterized by people-pleasing and self-abandonment—develops during childhood and persists into adulthood. She argues that most people-pleasers were parent-pleasers first, learning early in life that personal safety depended on managing others’ emotions and suppressing their own needs.

Josephson presents five detailed case studies to illustrate common family dynamics that foster fawning behaviors. Each client developed a specific role as a protective strategy: Brianna became “the Peacekeeper” in response to a volatile mother and constant conflict without repair; Theo became “the Performer,” using humor to diffuse tension between unhappily married parents; Sophie became “the Caretaker,” taking on parental responsibilities for her struggling sister; Alicia became “the Lone Wolf” after experiencing chronic emotional neglect; and Carter became “the Perfectionist” under the weight of immigrant family expectations and emotional invalidation (47). Two additional case studies examine Rachel and Lucy, who both became “Chameleons”—Rachel in response to bullying, and Lucy as a survival strategy during sexual abuse.

A particularly noteworthy aspect of Josephson’s analysis is her emphasis on repair as a crucial component of healthy conflict resolution. She observes that in fawn-inducing households, high conflict is buried rather than addressed, leaving children to internalize blame and develop chronic shame. This observation aligns with contemporary attachment theory research, which emphasizes that parental responsiveness and emotional attunement—not the absence of conflict—determine secure attachment formation.

Josephson draws on neuroscientist Michael Merzenich’s research on neuroplasticity to offer hope: The brain retains its ability to change throughout life, meaning individuals can exit chronic fawn responses even after decades. She explains that people unconsciously gravitate toward familiar dynamics, even toxic ones, because the primitive brain equates familiarity with safety. This insight connects to the concept of “trauma reenactment,” in which individuals unconsciously recreate painful childhood relationships in adult partnerships, hoping to finally “win” the love they never received (57).

The chapter concludes with a practical checklist of how fawning manifests in adult life—from constantly worrying what others think, to avoiding conflict, to feeling hypervigilant about others’ moods. Josephson encourages readers to recognize that their fawning behaviors were brilliant adaptive strategies that genuinely worked in childhood environments, but which may no longer serve them in safe adult relationships.

Chapter Lessons

• Children learn to people-please when they grow up in households characterized by unrepaired conflict, chronic tension, parentification, emotional neglect, invalidation of emotions, bullying, or abuse. Each environment teaches children that their safety depends on managing others’ emotions rather than expressing their own needs.
• When parents engage in conflict but never acknowledge it, apologize, or take accountability, children naturally assume they caused the problem and internalize shame. This lack of repair is often more damaging than the conflict itself, leading children to believe something is fundamentally wrong with them.
• Familiarity feels like safety to the nervous system, even when it’s toxic: The brain’s primitive survival mechanisms cause individuals to unconsciously seek out relationships and situations that mirror childhood dynamics because they feel predictable.
• Neuroplasticity offers hope for change at any age. Research demonstrates that the brain can reorganize itself throughout life, meaning individuals can develop new neural pathways and exit chronic fawn responses regardless of how long they’ve been stuck in these patterns.

Reflection Questions

• Which of the case studies in this chapter resonated most strongly with your own experiences? What specific role—Peacekeeper, Performer, Caretaker, Lone Wolf, Perfectionist, or Chameleon—do you recognize in yourself, and how did that role protect you during childhood?
• Josephson suggests asking yourself whether something feels uncomfortable because it’s genuinely unsafe or simply unfamiliar. Can you identify a current situation in your life where you might be avoiding something healthy (like setting a boundary or accepting care from others) because it feels unfamiliar rather than dangerous?