Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

Josephson examines the grieving process that individuals with emotionally immature or neglectful parents must undergo, emphasizing that grief extends beyond physical loss to encompass what one never received. Through personal narrative about her mother’s early-onset Alzheimer’s diagnosis and her father’s unpredictable emotional volatility, Josephson illustrates how adult children of emotionally unavailable parents grieve relationships that never fully existed alongside relationships that are deteriorating or have ended.

The author identifies several critical aspects of this grieving process. First, individuals must acknowledge anger as a legitimate emotion rather than suppressing it due to childhood conditioning that labeled anger as dangerous or inappropriate. Josephson notes that when parents display different personas publicly versus privately, children internalize the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with them for experiencing the harmful side of their parent’s behavior. Second, individuals must accept that multiple conflicting truths can coexist simultaneously: One can feel gratitude for what one’s parents provided while also grieving what they could not offer, and one can understand parental trauma while still feeling angry about one’s own experiences.

The author addresses the common tendency to wait for external validation, such as apologies or acknowledgments, before beginning the healing process. She argues that this waiting keeps individuals trapped in disempowerment, as people can only meet others after they have first met themselves. Parents capable of causing significant emotional harm may lack the awareness to take accountability, potentially never developing such awareness in their lifetime. Josephson advocates for self-validation as the path forward: Individuals must provide themselves with the acknowledgment and belief they sought from their parents.

A particularly timely aspect of Josephson’s argument concerns emotional loneliness, which she describes as a pervasive feeling of disconnection even when physical needs are met and regular communication occurs. This resonates with contemporary research on attachment theory and the long-term impacts of childhood emotional neglect, which have gained increased recognition in therapeutic communities over the past two decades. The author connects this emotional loneliness to the fawning response, noting that while fawning may provide short-term validation, it ultimately maintains the emotional distance that feels familiar, preventing authentic vulnerability and connection.

Josephson’s framework builds upon the self-help tradition established by therapists like Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, whose work on emotionally immature parents has influenced contemporary understanding of intergenerational trauma patterns. However, Josephson’s approach is particularly relevant for millennials and Gen Z adults who are increasingly seeking therapeutic support and openly discussing family dynamics that previous generations often kept private.

Chapter Lessons

• Grief is not limited to physical death but encompasses the loss of relationships, childhood experiences, and parental support that one never received, requiring acknowledgment of these losses as a crucial first step in healing.
• Anger is a natural and healthy emotion in the grieving process; suppressing it due to childhood conditioning only delays healing, while acknowledging it allows individuals to process grief more fully and reduce the potential for rage.
• Waiting for parental apologies or acknowledgment before healing keeps individuals disempowered; true healing begins when one provides self-validation and accepts that parents may never develop the awareness to take accountability for past harm.
• Emotional loneliness—feeling disconnected even when physical needs are met—often stems from childhood emotional neglect and manifests as hyper-independence and difficulty forming authentic connections in adulthood.

Reflection Questions

• As you consider the concept of grieving what you didn’t have, what aspects of your childhood or family relationships do you find yourself mourning? How does acknowledging this grief feel different from dismissing or minimizing it?
• Josephson describes waiting for external validation from those who caused harm as a way of keeping healing in someone else’s hands. Is there a situation in your life where you’ve been waiting for someone to acknowledge pain they caused before you can move forward? What would it look like to validate your own experience instead?