Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

Josephson explains that people are not defined by their anxious thoughts but rather are the observers of those thoughts. She begins by describing a common misconception among therapy clients: The belief that the goal is to silence the anxious inner voice. Instead, Josephson emphasizes that the practice involves becoming aware of this voice, detaching from it, and learning to soothe it. This approach aligns with contemporary mindfulness-based therapeutic practices, particularly those influenced by Buddhist psychology and Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, both of which have gained significant traction in Western mental health treatment over the past two decades.

Josephson explains that anxious thoughts create an illusion of control. Drawing on Buddhist philosophy, she describes how individuals fixate on worst-case scenarios in an attempt to emotionally prepare themselves, though research shows this mental rehearsal does not actually reduce distress when challenging events occur. Instead, such rumination amplifies anxiety and causes individuals to experience difficult situations twice: Once in imagination, and once in reality. For people-pleasers specifically, this manifests as an unconscious attempt to control others’ perceptions and avoid uncomfortable emotions.

The author introduces the concept of the “inner critic” as a protective part of the self that developed during childhood (91). Using Internal Family Systems terminology, Josephson describes this critic as a younger version of oneself that internalized critical voices from parents, siblings, and society. This part works overtime to prevent conflict and ensure safety, though it often operates based on outdated information from childhood. Josephson suggests visualizing this scared part as a younger self or even as a fictional character (she uses Totoro as her example) to create distance and compassion. One particularly noteworthy aspect of Josephson’s framework is her emphasis on responding to the inner critic with the same gentleness one would show a frightened child or pet, rather than attempting to silence or shame it.

The chapter concludes with a practical mindfulness tool called NICER: Notice the anxious thoughts, Invite the experience to stay without judgment, bring in Curiosity about bodily sensations and emotions, Embrace the protective part with compassion, and Return to what is real and true in the present moment. Josephson illustrates this technique through a personal anecdote about declining a concert invitation and experiencing guilt, demonstrating how NICER allowed her to acknowledge anxiety without becoming consumed by it. This practical framework reflects the growing integration of Buddhist mindfulness practices into mainstream therapeutic approaches, offering individuals a concrete method for managing people-pleasing tendencies and anxiety.

Chapter Lessons

• Anxious thoughts are not ultimate truths but rather protective mechanisms developed in childhood; individuals can observe these thoughts without identifying with them or believing them completely.
• Ruminating on worst-case scenarios does not prepare people emotionally for difficult events but instead increases suffering by causing them to experience challenges twice—once in imagination and once in reality.
• The inner critic functions as a protective part trying to ensure safety by anticipating criticism and preventing conflict, though it operates based on outdated childhood experiences.
• The NICER framework (Notice, Invite, Curiosity, Embrace, Return) provides a practical method for relating to anxious thoughts with compassion rather than resistance, gradually reducing their power over time.

Reflection Questions

• When you notice your inner critic speaking, what specific voices from your past does it sound like? How might understanding the origin of these critical thoughts change your relationship with them?
• Think of a recent situation where you ruminated about a worst-case scenario. If you had used the NICER framework instead, how might your experience of that situation have been different? What might you have noticed about your thoughts and bodily sensations?