Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

Josephson recounts a pivotal moment when her mother visited her in New York City, only for the trip to be cut short by her father’s arrest for drunk driving. This experience catalyzed Josephson’s realization that she was allowed to feel anger without shame—a breakthrough that challenged the deeply ingrained belief that experiencing uncomfortable emotions made her a “bad girl” (116). Through this personal narrative, Josephson introduces her central argument: Emotions themselves are not negative or problematic, but rather messengers that provide valuable information about one’s needs and boundaries.

Josephson explains that many individuals who develop fawning patterns learned to view certain emotions as dangerous during childhood. When caregivers could not manage their own emotional states or respond appropriately to their children’s feelings, those children internalized the message that emotions like anger or sadness were unacceptable. This dynamic reflects findings from attachment theory, particularly the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, which demonstrated how early caregiver responses shape emotional regulation patterns throughout life. Josephson’s framework remains highly relevant in contemporary psychology, as research continues to emphasize the importance of emotional validation and the harmful effects of emotional suppression.

The author distinguishes between emotions themselves and reactions to emotions, arguing that while all emotions are valid, individuals retain responsibility for how they respond. Josephson introduces the concept of inserting a “pause” between feeling and reacting—a space where conscious choice becomes possible. She also addresses the tendency to compound emotions by layering self-judgment onto primary feelings, transforming simple anger into anger plus shame plus self-criticism. This observation aligns with cognitive-behavioral approaches and mindfulness-based therapies that emphasize awareness over control. Josephson’s practical tool, the NICER acronym (Notice, Invite, get Curious, Embrace, Return), offers readers a structured method for processing emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Chapter Lessons

• All emotions are valid messengers that provide information about needs, boundaries, and values—no emotion is inherently “negative” or “bad.”
• Self-judgment about uncomfortable emotions creates secondary layers of suffering that prolong emotional distress rather than resolving it.
• Inserting a pause between experiencing an emotion and reacting to it creates space for conscious, intentional responses instead of unconscious, habitual reactions.
• Resentment serves as a particularly valuable signal that needs are unmet or boundaries have been repeatedly violated.

Reflection Questions

• Think about an emotion you’ve recently judged yourself for feeling. What would change if you simply allowed that emotion to exist without the layer of self-criticism?
• When have you noticed yourself moving from sitting with an emotion to sulking in it—actively seeking out or replaying a painful feeling rather than letting it naturally arise and pass?