Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

Josephson argues that conflict avoidance, while seemingly protective, ultimately prevents authentic connection and personal growth. Healing from relational trauma cannot occur in isolation but requires engaging with others in safe, authentic ways. Since fawning behavior stems from relational trauma—trauma that occurred within relationships—healing must also happen within relationships.

The author identifies conflict avoidance as rooted in childhood experiences where conflict signaled danger, abandonment, or emotional withdrawal. Individuals who witnessed unhealthy conflict resolution develop protective patterns, believing that expressing needs makes them difficult or that disagreement threatens relationships.

Josephson distinguishes between reassurance-seeking and validation. Reassurance-seeking involves urgently asking others to extinguish one’s anxiety—a temporary fix that creates dependency cycles. Validation, by contrast, involves having one’s feelings acknowledged and understood, fostering genuine connection. This distinction reflects contemporary psychological understanding of anxious attachment patterns and emotional regulation.

The chapter introduces the concept of repair as essential to healthy relationships. Josephson argues that perfection is neither possible nor necessary; what matters is acknowledging ruptures, understanding their impact, and committing to growth. True repair requires both parties to engage willingly—a reality that empowers individuals to recognize when relationships lack reciprocity. The author also presents “secondhand fawning,” where individuals attempt to control others’ behavior to prevent potential conflict, reflecting their own learned protective patterns (207).