Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

Josephson opens the book by recounting her first therapy session at age 20, in which she asked a question that would become the book’s central theme: “Why do I always think people are mad at me?” (x). The therapist’s response surprised her—instead of offering quick solutions, the therapist explored Josephson’s childhood experiences growing up with a parent with an alcohol dependency. Through therapy, Josephson realized that her hypervigilance in adult relationships mirrored survival behaviors from childhood. She was no longer monitoring her father’s mood swings, but she found herself anxiously interpreting her boss’s messages and friends’ texts, seeking perfection in order to avoid perceived disapproval.

This Introduction situates the book within a broader cultural context where constant digital communication paradoxically intensifies insecurity instead of providing reassurance. Josephson argues that because people maintain endless streams of validation through texting, liking posts, and direct messaging, any reduction in this communication can trigger survival-oriented anxiety. This observation reflects contemporary concerns about social media’s psychological impact, making the book particularly timely for readers navigating digital-age relationships.

After sustaining a concussion that forced her to disconnect from screens and substances, Josephson began a meditation practice that gradually transformed her relationship with difficult emotions. She eventually pursued graduate studies in social work at Columbia University, integrating trauma-based therapy with mindfulness practices. When her own clients began asking the same question she once posed—“Why do I always think people are mad at me?”—Josephson recognized a widespread pattern, particularly among women conditioned to be people-pleasers, caretakers, and peacekeepers (4).

Josephson positions her book as addressing what other people-pleasing literature often misses: The underlying fear driving these behaviors rather than just the behaviors themselves. She emphasizes that this work involves examining childhood wounds not to assign blame, but to understand how past experiences shape present patterns. Drawing on attachment theory, internal family systems therapy, Buddhism, and trauma-informed approaches, Josephson frames healing as an ongoing practice of self-compassion rather than a destination to reach.

Chapter Lessons

• Hypervigilance and people-pleasing behaviors often originate as survival mechanisms developed in childhood, particularly in dysfunctional or high-tension home environments. These protective strategies persist into adulthood even when no longer necessary.
• Constant digital communication creates more opportunities for perceived rejection, as a lull in validation can trigger anxiety in individuals accustomed to continuous external reassurance.
• Healing requires shifting focus from external validation to internal awareness—one cannot engage in meaningful inner work while constantly monitoring others’ perceptions and reactions.
• True transformation comes from examining the thought patterns underlying people-pleasing behaviors, not merely changing surface-level actions, and this process is gradual, imperfect, and ongoing rather than a quick fix.

Reflection Questions

• Josephson describes how her childhood survival behaviors manifested in adult relationships—analyzing text punctuation, fearing her boss’s disapproval, striving for perfection. Can you identify similar patterns in your own life where childhood coping mechanisms might be influencing your current relationships and/or workplace interactions?
• The author emphasizes that healing involves looking inward rather than constantly monitoring others’ reactions. What would it mean for you to redirect your energy toward understanding your own needs, preferences, and authentic self?