Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

One of the book’s core arguments is that emotional dependency, when met within a secure partnership, enhances autonomy rather than diminishing it. This assertion runs counter to mainstream dating advice, which tends to condemn emotional dependency entirely. Known as the dependency paradox, the authors’ principle challenges common cultural narratives that equate neediness with weakness. To support this novel approach, Levine and Heller cite the research of Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, who pioneered the precepts of attachment theory by observing that children could not truly thrive without developing emotional attachments to their caretakers. Using Ainsworth and Bowlby’s studies as a basis, Levine and Heller assert that even in adulthood, people who feel emotionally supported are more confident, resilient, and independent. This insight can be applied to real-world situations such as dating, when individuals would be well-advised to seek partners who can be counted on for emotional availability. (By contrast, “avoidant” romantic partners who actively disengage in the name of independence can introduce acute relational conflicts into the dynamic, especially if their partner has an anxious attachment style.) In professional contexts such as team-building or leadership development, the concepts of attachment theory can be employed to ensure psychological safety within the workplace; the more secure people feel, the more willing they will be to take risks and act independently.

A major focus of Attached is the instability that arises when people with anxious attachment styles enter into relationships with those who are avoidant. These mismatched pairings often engage in repeated cycles of activation (seeking closeness) and deactivation (withdrawing from intimacy), and as a result, both partners will find themselves in a state of chronic dissatisfaction. To render their observations easier to apply to real-world situations, Levine and Heller provide diagrams and scenarios that illustrate this frustration-causing dynamic, and they also include practical exercises to help readers recognize whether they are caught in such a loop. While not all anxious-avoidant pairings are doomed, the authors stress that both parties must understand their unique emotional shortcomings and actively commit to changing their interactions for the better. Practical strategies to aid this interpersonal journey include completing communication exercises and using “relationship inventories”—systematic assessments of a relationship’s dynamics, which identify strengths and weaknesses and diagnose specific issues. Such exercises can be vital for couples therapy and for individuals who must decide whether to continue or exit their current relationships. For anyone in an anxious-avoidant dynamic, this takeaway provides a roadmap to greater clarity.

While some people are naturally secure in their relationships, Levine and Heller emphasize that security can be developed through conscious effort. In attachment theory, “secure” attachment is characterized by open communication, emotional availability, and responsiveness. Framing this attachment style as the ideal, Levine and Heller outline actionable steps for cultivating these traits, such as journaling exercises, gratitude lists, and boundary-setting scripts. The book also highlights the importance of selecting partners who already exhibit secure traits, rather than trying to “fix” avoidant or inconsistent partners. For example, someone struggling with a pattern of unfulfilling relationships might shift their dating strategy to focus on finding partners who exhibit signs of responsiveness and reliability rather than intensity or excitement. This takeaway supports the broader argument that emotional health is a skill, not an innate attribute; as such, it can be consciously learned and practiced.

The book devotes substantial attention to the issue of communication, particularly how it is used by secure individuals to resolve conflicts and express needs. Because much of the book is geared toward helping people to correct the conflicts and behavioral issues that arise from anxious and avoidant attachment styles, Levine and Heller provide clear-cut scripts and worksheets that are designed to help readers move from defensive or vague statements to clear, vulnerable dialogue. In this way, the authors present effective communication as both a relationship skill and a diagnostic tool. Their guidance shows that specific responses to requests or feedback can immediately reveal a person’s specific emotional availability and attachment style; knowing this, the person can adjust their outlook and presentation accordingly. For example, rather than saying, “You never listen,” a secure-style communicator might say, “I feel unseen when you look at your phone during our conversations. Can we talk about it?” In real-world contexts, couples counselors, HR professionals, and team leaders can draw on these principles to create communication norms that promote trust, collaboration, and mutual respect, and romantic couples can find much-needed clarity and work to repair conflict-ridden dynamics.