Awake

Hatmaker’s favorite teacher in eighth grade was Mr. Berman. She and the other girls loved the way he spoke to them as if they were adults. Nevertheless, she often experienced uncomfortable sensations, such as stomach aches, in his company. The author assumed that her body was inexplicably malfunctioning.

Years later, as a college freshman, Hatmaker learned from her best friend, Amanda, that Mr. Berman had sexually groomed her when she was a teen and that she was consequently in counselling. The author realized that her “body always knew” (32) the truth.

By 1997, Hatmaker was a teacher and helped Brandon in his role as a youth pastor. She and her husband were in charge of a group of teens at the Baptist summer camp. Upon arriving at the camp’s chapel, Hatmaker and the teenage girls were instructed to change as their shorts were deemed inappropriately revealing.

Hatmaker kept a diary during her teenage years. Her journals were full of repentant pleas to God to help her love the world less.

The author was shocked when her son admitted that, at the age of 12, he learned about pornography during church summer camp. A camp leader repeatedly asked the boys if they watched porn, refusing to believe their truthful denials, and lectured them on how pornography would pollute their future marriages. Afterward, Hatmaker’s son looked up the definition of porn on his phone. This revelation led the author to realize that, like girls, boys experienced negative consequences as a result of the church’s purity culture.

Hatmaker visited an energetic body healer named Judy after her friend Laura paid for the appointment. When the author revealed that she felt like she was drowning, Judy talked her through a visualization in which she reached the shore. Hatmaker could not swim to shore herself, but she envisioned her friends and family arriving in a boat and taking her to safety.

In 2014, the Hatmakers’ son Gavin came home, relating an improbable tale about a deer in the road and a pothole. It became clear that Gavin had destroyed someone’s fence while mudding in his Jeep. Hatmaker and her husband lectured their son on safe driving, trying to mask their amusement. After sending him to his room, they burst out laughing. After her marriage ended, the author recalled this event as a happy memory. However, she felt sad that she could no longer share such memories with her husband.

The memoir quotes lines from Miranda Lambert’s song “Love Your Memory,” which spoke to Hatmaker.

Hatmaker’s friend Rob recommended the wellness app Simple Habit, and she chose a guided meditation titled “For Grief.” The meditation emphasizes that grief is a natural response to loss and should be felt rather than suppressed. Allowing her body to experience her intense grief, Hatmaker screamed and cried, eventually feeling relief.

When Hatmaker was in her twenties, her younger sister Lindsay got engaged. During the wedding planning, the author was concerned that Lindsay had become withdrawn. Four weeks before the wedding, Hatmaker’s father assured Lindsay that it was still not too late if she had changed her mind about the marriage. Lindsay canceled the wedding and later revealed that she would have been “a verbally abused wife” (60) had she married her fiancé. Hatmaker was proud of her sister.

Remy was different from Hatmaker’s other children. While Remy’s siblings were unfailingly polite in public, just as their mother had taught them to be, Remy said exactly what she thought. Hatmaker was embarrassed by her daughter’s blunt honesty, but later wondered if Remy’s behavior was healthier than her own, less forthright behavior.

The author’s family ensured that she was never alone in the weeks after Brandon’s departure. Her friends were similarly supportive, calling and visiting constantly. While Hatmaker’s loved ones worried about her, she was anxious about her children.

One evening, while socializing with friends, Hatmaker unexpectedly began crying. One of her friends, Andrew, described how he looked forward to reaching shore when he was in the Navy. He stated that land probably seemed a long way away for Hatmaker, but she would gradually get “home.”

The memoir quotes lines from Ingrid Andress’s song “Hearts,” which emphasizes how an entire family experiences heartbreak when a loved one is hurt.

In 1990, the author attended a morning church service with her family on the day of the Super Bowl. The minister pressured the congregation to demonstrate their devotion to God by attending the evening service instead of staying home and watching the game. Hatmaker wanted to watch the Super Bowl, but dutifully went to the evening service instead.

In 2020, one month into the COVID pandemic, Brandon demolished the house porch, claiming that he planned to rebuild it that weekend. The front door was no longer usable. Two months later, Brandon left without making the repairs. After her friends, Jenny and Shonna, rebuilt and restyled the porch, Hatmaker bought two plants to hang inside it.

By September 2020, Hatmaker faced the dual challenges of sole parenting and supervising her children’s online schooling. In addition, she began to acknowledge that her marriage was in trouble long before her husband’s affair. Brandon changed after the death of a close friend, the end of their joint church leadership, and complex health issues all coincided. She, in turn, became resentful and distant as she tried to navigate his volatile moods. Hatmaker realized that her husband must also have been lonely as she focused on their children, friends, and her career.

Jen accepted an offer to use a friend’s vacation home in Telluride, Colorado. During the holiday, she decided “to wake up and live” (80).