Awake

Hatmaker analyzes her journey from a celebrated Christian advocate to an individual who felt alienated from her church. She admits that she always liked having a clear set of rules to follow, and organized religion provided this. However, doubts crept in due to the Church’s stance on social injustice. Whenever she publicly addressed issues such as the ingrained racism in US society, she experienced backlash from the predominantly white evangelical community.

Hatmaker reveals that she increasingly questioned other tenets of her religion, such as the patriarchal structures that encouraged the subordination of women and intolerance toward the LGBTQIA+ community.

Hatmaker describes her dilemma as many of the people she loved continued to embrace the religious beliefs she came to reject.

Hatmaker’s therapist told her that fear was a natural response that must be confronted rather than resisted. The author learned how to breathe through her fears without suppressing them.

In 2016, the online Christian expressed hostility toward Hatmaker after she shared “anti-systemic racism and anti-Trump” views (151). Before the presidential election, she spoke about these issues in an interview with Religion News Service, also confirming her support of gay marriage.

Immediately afterward, Hatmaker’s publisher cut ties with her, and her books were pulled from store shelves. Her speaking events were canceled, and she lost half her followers on social media. The sales of her husband’s book on church leadership were also severely affected.

Three months after Brandon left, Hatmaker realized that the house felt peaceful without her husband’s explosive moods. Determined to infuse joy into the household, she and her children celebrated Christmas in October.

After the divorce, Hatmaker at times felt that she was healed, only to experience another wave of grief and despair. A friend stated that she was “still on the gurney” (159) and her recovery would take time.

On the date that would have marked her 27th wedding anniversary, Hatmaker refused to feel regret. Instead, she reminded herself of her many blessings, including her children, her relationship with her in-laws, her happy memories of their marriage, and her own life. She took her daughters, Sydney and Remy, to New York to create new memories.

While in New York, the author met Shauna, an old friend, for the first time since her divorce. She was surprised and delighted when Shauna observed that Hatmaker was still completely herself.

One day, while she was still married, Hatmaker read an article listing the factors most likely to lead to divorce. Noting that the red flags were “criticism,” “defensiveness,” “stonewalling,” and “contempt,” she experienced “a twinge.”

In 2011, Hatmaker and Brandon adopted two Ethiopian children, Ben and Remy. The author befriended another mother, Susan, who had adopted children of a similar age. In the aftermath of Brandon’s departure in 2020, Hatmaker grieved the loss of the stable family she wanted to provide for her adopted children. Every Monday for six months, Susan sent Hatmaker and her children a $25 Starbucks gift card.

Like the rest of her junior high school class, 16-year-old Hatmaker struggled to engage with poetry. One day, her English teacher, Mrs. Palmer, read Dylan Thomas’s “Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night“ aloud, revealing that she had recited the poem to her beloved father when he was dying. The class was transfixed, and Hatmaker began crying. At the end of class, Hatmaker hugged Mrs. Palmer, who urged the author to use her “gift” for words.

This chapter reproduces “Bride” by Maggie Smith. The poem charts a woman’s realization that she can love herself and be her own “bride.”

This chapter reproduces the poem “I Am Not Your Cup of Tea” by David Gate. The speaker compares themself to a drink too hot and strong for a partner’s bland palate to appreciate.

In January 2021, as Hatmaker struggled with schooling her children during the pandemic, her friends and sisters took her and the children to Mexico.

Hatmaker realized that, in the aftermath of her marriage, her relationships with her girlfriends had bloomed.

The author nurtured the hanging plants on her porch. After six months, she reflected on the miracle that both she and the plants had survived.

Hatmaker feared that her children would forget Mother’s Day without their father to remind them. However, they bought her pampering gifts and completed the chores on her to-do list.

Ten months after her marriage ended, Hatmaker had control of her finances and every other aspect of household management. Nevertheless, she began experiencing physical symptoms such as chest pain. Her youngest child, Remy, was also experiencing a crisis. One day, while she was at the doctor’s with Remy, Hatmaker felt faint, her blood pressure soared, and she experienced a panic attack. Her physician, Dr. Amadi (sympathetically explaining that Hatmaker’s body was exhausted from running on adrenaline and needed help to recover), prescribed blood pressure medication, Zoloft, and anti-anxiety pills.

After her physical collapse, the author’s father sent her a text describing his desire to “fix” things for her and his feelings of powerlessness.

After the divorce, Hatmaker never again attended church.

The author questions why many individuals stop going to church when they experience a life crisis.

After her friend had a dream about a table in her backyard, big enough to seat all her loved ones, Hatmaker began to envision the idea as a reality. She hired her friends Jenny and Shonna to make a 28-seat outdoor table.