Awake

A central theme in Awake is how religious, cultural, and gender pressures shape the self. By depicting herself as a product of her orthodox Baptist upbringing, Hatmaker illustrates how the patriarchal structures of the evangelical church and purity culture molded and constrained her identity. In addition, she examines her refusal to let these systems continue to define her.

From her earliest memories, Hatmaker was shaped by the expectations of conservative Christianity. During her childhood, she welcomed the evangelical church’s rigid regulations as clear moral guidance on how to be “good.” As a teen, she attended True Love Waits sessions, which taught girls that their value was in chastity, compliance, and self-denial. Even before experiencing adult relationships, Hatmaker internalized the message that her worth depended on male approval and upholding religious ideals. As she entered adulthood, those formative teachings calcified into identity. Marrying her college sweetheart, Brandon, at age 19, the author stepped naturally into the supportive, nurturing role of the pastor’s wife. For years, she appeared to thrive in a framework that rewarded obedience, leading Bible studies, writing inspirational books, and mothering five children.

When Hatmaker’s marriage collapsed, she began to scrutinize the systems that once structured her life. Her husband’s affair undermined the family’s image as exemplars of evangelical family life, exposing the fragility of the ideals that sustained them. Recognizing the unhealthy characteristics of codependency that characterized their relationship, Hatmaker was forced to admit that ingrained patriarchal values caused them to “set the bar wrong” (255) from the beginning of their marriage. Her need to control, soothe, and fix Brandon’s volatile moods was a learned mechanism within a system that rewarded women for emotional labor. Meanwhile, as a man, Brandon was socialized to conceal his pain and vulnerability, leaving him unequipped to process trauma. Furthermore, purity culture prompted them to rush into marriage before they were sufficiently mature as individuals. Hatmaker realized that evangelical theology taught her to distrust her instincts and associate her body with shame.

Eventually, the author’s recognition of how outside forces molded her identity prompted her to embark on the complex process of dismantling internalized ideologies. Hatmaker’s eventual status as a “spiritual orphan from the church that raised me” (137) stemmed from exorcising the aspects of herself that were systemically rather than organically shaped. By reclaiming her voice, her body, and her faith on her own terms, the author achieved true selfhood.

In Awake, Hatmaker highlights how her unexpected divorce coincided with her estrangement from the evangelical community that once celebrated her as a spiritual leader. Almost overnight, she lost her life partner, her professional standing, and her sense of institutional belonging. The memoir conveys the devastating blow to the author’s sense of worth as the roles to which her identity was tethered (pastor’s wife, orthodox Baptist, and respected Christian author) were erased. Once those identities crumbled, she faced the daunting challenge of discovering and rebuilding the neglected self beneath.

Hatmaker realized how much her self-worth derived from her marriage, as she was forced to deconstruct her life as a wife and rebuild it as a single woman. In adhering to conservative Baptist culture, she had internalized the belief that a Christian woman’s duty is to serve and caretake. Her discovery of Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More provided a framework to identify the unhealthy aspects of this dynamic as she realized that she had focused on managing others’ emotions while suppressing her own. Dismantling this conditioning required learning to mother herself, redirecting the care she once reserved for others toward herself, as her development of “Morning Jen” and “Night Jen” self-nurturing rituals illustrates. In addition, the memoir addresses the stigma of loneliness that Hatmaker initially associated with no longer being part of a couple. Her joyful experience of “Me Camp” reframed solitude as a blessing, allowing her to pursue her own desires. Meanwhile, her close female friendships provided the unconditional love and companionship traditionally associated with marriage.

Likewise, Hatmaker’s religious beliefs underwent deconstruction, as she rejected the judgmental, patriarchal God she encountered in church and the evangelical community’s lack of inclusivity. Rather than abandoning faith, the author rebuilt it through an evolution of her spirituality. Hatmaker substituted the role that God played in her life with a belief in a compassionate and understanding Jesus. Healing rituals such as meditation and the ancient practice of Closing the Bones replaced the rituals of organized religion. In becoming attuned to her body’s wisdom, Hatmaker shook off the indoctrinated belief that “[t]here isn’t a reliable molecule in our horrid human bodies” (19), reclaiming her body as a trustworthy guiding force.

Although a crisis catalyzed the author’s deconstruction of identity, she ultimately presents the process as a reclamation of identity, self-trust, and spiritual freedom. The memoir chronicles her transformation from a woman defined by external roles and conditioning to one guided by her own instincts, body, and truth.