Big Dumb Eyes: Stories from a Simpler Mind

Bargatze experiences Catholic guilt because his parents were raised Catholic, even though he was raised Baptist. This manifests for him in tipping culture. Bargatze is not against tipping, as he worked in service for many years, but he dislikes the ambiguity that comes with tipping in certain situations. At a self-serve frozen yogurt shop, he agonizes over what to do when asked for a tip. Bargatze writes, “I would actually rather give this person $100 outside the store than deal with this current torture over three bucks” (125).

Bargatze was excited when he and his wife book an all-inclusive stay at a resort in Mexico for their honeymoon because he knew he wouldn’t have to think about tipping. The vacation was partially funded by monetary gifts for the couple’s wedding and partially by Laura, as Bargatze did not have much money yet. During the vacation, he noticed the staff pausing and waiting after serving him, which made him anxious. Eventually, Bargatze noticed other guests tipping. He was relieved upon seeing this, as he then knew that he was supposed to tip.

When Bargatze was a child, going to McDonald’s was a special occasion. Ordering a Big Mac for the first time was a “rite of passage,” which Bargatze considered more important than getting his driver’s license. For years, Bargatze’s favorite menu item was the Two Cheeseburger Meal, which was Number Two on the menu. One day, Bargatze ordered a Number Two and received a Quarter Pounder instead. Confused, he returned to the McDonald’s but never learns why the menu changed. Bargatze calls this change “un-American” and “brutal.”

When Bargatze lived in Tennessee, many families owned dogs, but no one took them for walks, cleaned up after them, or paid close attention to their diets. Bargatze even has a family photo of him and his brother Derek sleeping with a stray dog in their bed. Later on, The Bargatze family adopted a miniature schnauzer named Noah, after the biblical figure.

When Bargatze moved to New York at 25, he and his new roommate Sven—who was also starting a comedy career—had a dog named Sasha. Bargatze was shocked at how different dog care was at the time in New York, compared to how it was in Tennessee. He was appalled to see everyone picking up their dogs’ poop on the sidewalk. Bargatze learned that New Yorkers were not as social as the people he was used to. He and Sven were too busy to take care of their dog, Sasha, “the modern New York way” (138), so Bargatze sent the dog home to his parents in Tennessee.

A couple of years later, Laura moved to New York, and she and Bargatze got married. They struggled because Laura was the only one making money, and Bargatze was irresponsible. Despite this, they quickly adopted a new dog. Bargatze grew attached to the dog, whom he named Vandy, and the dog ended up disliking Laura. Eventually, Vandy nipped Laura, so they rehomed him.

Years later, Laura and Bargatze moved back to Tennessee and adopted another dog. She was an elderly rescue named Annie. One day, they left Annie at Abigail’s house while they’re out of town. Bargatze’s parents’ cat, Cosmo, was also at Abigail’s house at the time, and Abigail had a dog of her own named Jude. When Abigail came home from work that day, she found Annie covered in blood and Cosmo dead. Bargatze doesn’t believe Annie was responsible for the cat’s death, writing, “to my dying day, […] I will be convinced of her innocence” (145).

Now, Bargatze and Laura have a new dog, Holly, whom they adopted to teach their daughter, Harper, how to care for a dog. Holly is a doodle, which Bargatze writes is “how you know you’re in the suburbs” (145). Harper doesn’t participate at all in Holly’s care, and Bargatze ends up walking her most of the time, though he has “no idea” who feeds her.

A few years before Harper is born, Bargatze’s family went to Disney World. Derek had two toddlers, Caleb and Esther. They were waiting in a long line to meet the princesses, when a stranger approached and offered his ticket for a shorter line, explaining that his child was sick and couldn’t go. Bargatze and his family were confused but take the man’s ticket. When they got in, the princesses “surround them like this pink, glittery storm of love” (150). Everyone was impressed by how much attention they gave Caleb and Esther. After a few minutes, though, Abigail noticed that some of the princesses were crying. They kept telling the family how brave they all were. Bargatze’s dad looked at a clipboard that one of them was holding, and he suddenly sprinted out of the area. Confused, the rest of the family followed. Bargatze’s dad explained that they were in the Make-A-Wish line. Bargatze felt so guilty about this that he now volunteers for Make-A-Wish as often as he can.

Bargatze’s dad often pushed his kids to do things that scare them. He took Bargatze’s mom to a haunted house while she was pregnant with Bargatze, saying, “Never too young to toughen him up!” (152). When Bargatze and his siblings were young, the family went back to the haunted house. Bargatze’s father instructed his children not to run away, but when Derek saw a man with a chainsaw, he sprinted away and hid in a stranger’s car outside. Bargatze’s dad suggested they let the stranger drive away. Bargatze’s mom, on the other hand, always tried to protect her kids. At the county fair, she was afraid of the rides breaking, which Bargatze admits is somewhat reasonable based on the shape the rides were in. When Abigail was eight, she didn’t like scary rides, and she was also too short to go on most of them. Their father tricked her into going on an upside-down rollercoaster by buying her heels to make her taller and telling her the ride was just the swings.

Years later, Bargatze’s dad went on a Harry Potter motion simulation ride at Universal Studio. On the ride, he vomited. Bargatze notes that his father had eaten “enough for three meals that morning” (159) because the hotel had a free buffet. Bargatze was scheduled to perform a show a couple hours later, so after the ride, Bargatze’s dad washed his clothes in the bathroom sink. He never went on another ride again.