Big Dumb Eyes: Stories from a Simpler Mind

Bargatze has a barber named Eric, whom he gets along with very well. He enjoys the simplicity and ease of their relationship, which he compares to “an ancient, sacred connection” (196). Their bond became especially special during the COVID pandemic. The barber shop was closed, so Eric started cutting Bargatze’s hair in his garage. Around this time, Eric started getting into fitness, but Bargatze began to gain weight. As time went on, Bargatze’s career progressed such that he was required to appear on TV more often, so he asked Eric to train him. Bargatze expected this to be a fun addition to their friendship because Eric is fun to spend time with, and the two of them always enjoy each other’s company. Unfortunately, Eric’s methods were too intense for Bargatze, and Eric became “not-cool.” Bargatze writes, “Eric actually expected me to change, and be, like, better” (202).

Rather than begin a slow, low mileage jogging regimen like Eric suggests, Bargatze signed up for an ultramarathon, which he didn’t end up attending. As time went on, Bargatze began to cancel his training meetings with Eric. Eric never gave up on Bargatze, though. They still meet up after many years, and Eric always encourages Bargatze to be healthier, even if all Bargatze can do that day is go to McDonald’s.

Bargatze calls his wife while he is at a restaurant, contemplating his lunch order. He asks her if chicken or turkey is healthier. Laura advises Bargatze to get whole-grain bread. They have a lengthy conversation, during which Laura becomes annoyed because she is out with her friend. Bargatze asks if fried chicken is equally as healthy as grilled chicken with bread, and Laura hangs up on him.

Bargatze observes that studies and public opinions on health are always changing. He writes, “First eggs are good for you. Then they’re bad for you. Then they’re good for you again” (207).

Bargatze also comments that he seems to have a “chick brain” while Laura has a “dude brain” because he enjoys talking about everything, while Laura enjoys mowing the lawn. The only thing Laura does like to talk about are feelings, which Bargatze thinks are “gross.”

Before Bargatze orders his lunch, he calls Laura again to ask what TV show she wants to watch after dinner. After hanging up, he orders a burger.

Bargatze’s parents moved into a condo, and they refused to hire a professional moving service to help them. Instead, they found a few people who were willing to help for much less money. The people dragged the brand-new refrigerator out of the house on its back, which broke it. After moving into their new place, his parents were forced to buy another refrigerator, which costs more than a professional moving service would have. This is “The Bargatze Way.” To save money, Bargatze’s family learned to cut costs whenever possible. After Bargatze and his siblings were born, their parents slept in the dining room, giving their children the bedroom. The fanciest meal they ever had was McDonald’s, where the only drink they were allowed was water. The only thing they ever spent a lot of money on was a Chevrolet, because it had cup holders, and Bargatze’s parents were tired of spilling their drinks in their old cars. They couldn’t afford the car and ended up having to borrow money from family members to pay it off, which, he writes, is his family’s “logic” with money.

Bargatze didn’t make very much money for a long time, so at first, Laura provided most of their income. Laura was just as frugal as Bargatze’s parents. She questioned Bargatze about every purchase on their shared credit card bill, so he asked his parents to deposit money into a secret account for him. He writes that when he and Laura got married, “It was like a business merger between my parents and my wife” (218). Bargatze was “in charge of” the marriage proposal, but his parents bought the ring. Laura and Bargatze’s mom planned the wedding, at which Bargatze’s dad performed, and a family friend did the photography. Bargatze and Laura spent only $3,000 total on their wedding.

A few years later, Bargatze is finally making enough money to be comfortable. He and Laura buy a house. Bargatze is tired of the Bargatze Way, so he hires someone to mow the lawn. When lawn mowing day arrives, Laura says she’s canceled the appointment, preferring to mow the lawn herself.

Bargatze discloses that this book took him two years to write. He thanks his readers, and quips that his next project may come in the form of “Russian historical fiction or dystopian sci-fi” (222) though he pretends not to know what those terms mean.