53 pages • 1-hour read
Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
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Chapters 3-4Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 3 Summary: “Chosen Family”
Sow and Friedman share that they became extremely attached to each other within months of their initial meeting. They introduce attachment theory, which is typically used to describe child-parent bonding. Sow and Friedman reference communications professor Emily Langan, whose dissertation explored whether attachment theory could be applied to platonic relationships. Langan found that securely attached friendships exhibit the same characteristics as stable families: These friends desire closeness, act as secure bases from which to explore life’s challenges, and provide safe harbors in times of distress. Sow and Friedman say that these descriptions all resonate with their experience of their Big Friendship.
The authors outline how their friendship offered the emotional intimacy and security missing from other areas of their lives. For Ann, her relationship with Sow allowed her to reconsider her long-term romantic relationship, providing her the courage to end it. Friedman knew she would not be lonely or unsupported thanks to the solid base of her friendship with Sow. Similarly, Sow found in Ann a person who accepted her emotional vulnerability. Sow and Friedman’s friendship provided Sow a space in which she felt her emotions would not scare her friend away. This challenged Sow’s previous belief that strong displays of emotion were undesirable.
Sow and Friedman also discuss the concept of “chosen family,” a concept that originated in the LGBTQ community as a way to describe people who decide to play significant roles in each other’s lives over the long term. Sow and Friedman reference research by anthropologist Kath Weston, whose work explored kinship in gay and lesbian communities, especially during the AIDS crisis.
Sow and Friedman also summarize the research of historian Stephanie Coontz, who studies marriage and family structures in America and Western Europe. Coontz provides Sow and Friedman with an overview of how societal views on friendships and chosen families have evolved. In the 16th and 17th centuries, marriages were primarily arranged for political, economic, or community solidarity purposes, rather than for love or emotional connection. This context allowed friendships to occupy a central emotional role in people’s lives, often providing the emotional intimacy and support not found in marital relationships. The late 18th and 19th centuries witnessed a significant shift in societal views on gender and relationships. These changes led to a stark division in gender roles, and this division reinforced the notion that men and women were fundamentally different and needed to marry to become complete. This period saw an intensification of same-sex friendships, as these relationships provided a space where individuals could express themselves freely and find emotional support.
However, the romanticization of marriage and the increasing emphasis on companionate love began to alter the landscape of friendships. This shift led to a devaluation of same-sex friendships as people grew suspicious of their intensity; behaviors previously seen as innocently affectionate came to be viewed through a sexualized lens. In the 20th century, especially within the feminist movements of the 1970s and 1980s, there was a renewed appreciation for the value of friendships, including across genders. Women re-entering the workforce and advocating for equality began to reject the notion that their friendships should be sacrificed upon marriage. This era marked a recognition that passionate romantic love and passionate friendships could coexist, enriching individuals’ lives in distinct but complementary ways.
Sow and Friedman share that, in their own journey, they experienced a level of enmeshment that transcended typical friendship boundaries. At the time, this created a space seemingly devoid of misunderstandings, shame, fear, or insecurity. Their narrative, however, hints at the complexities and challenges that would test their chosen family bond, raising questions about the durability of such deep connections in the face of adversity.
Chapter 4 Summary: “I Don’t Shine If You Don’t Shine”
Sow and Friedman open the chapter by exploring the stark reality many women face in the professional world: the absence of mentorship. Sow shares her firsthand experience with a manager who refused to mentor her. He rejected her so casually, Sow says, that it took her a long time to realize just how sexist he was being. Similarly, Ann faced demeaning attitudes from her superiors who treated the women in the office condescendingly.
Sow and Friedman cite a study that revealed that 63% of women have never had a mentor, underscoring the systemic obstacles women face in corporate America. They emphasize that the early years of a woman’s career are critical. During these years, building earning power is paramount, because the gender wage gap can widen dramatically after age 35, and especially upon starting a family. Sow and Friedman suggest that women and other marginalized people can counter the effects of systemic obstacles by banding together. They say that while they do not select friends with career advancement in mind, their friendships have enabled some of their biggest professional achievements.
Both authors experienced moments of crisis during their professional journeys. Sow struggled with visa challenges after getting laid off from her job. She needed an employer to sponsor her for a visa, otherwise she would be deported to Guinea, a country she had never lived in and knew she would not be safe in. After she sent an email to friends explaining her situation, they sent her job leads, and a lawyer agreed to work for her pro bono, explaining that Sow would have a valid asylum claim. The collective effort of her friend network exemplifies the tangible benefits of a supportive community.
Meanwhile, Friedman got passed over for a promotion at work, and after seeing no way to advance at her current company, she decided to transition to freelancing. After just a few weeks of freelancing, though, she already felt immense financial stress. She then received an unexpected email asking her if she would be interested in a job as an executive editor for a magazine in Los Angeles. Friedman leaped at the chance to interview for the position. She got offered the job, and Sow encouraged Friedman to ask for more money and benefits. Thanks to Sow’s encouragement, Friedman asked for a salary of $100,000 as well as a signing bonus and compensation for moving costs. The company agreed to honor her requests.
Ann was grateful to Aminatou for encouraging her to ask for more. Aminatou told her, “I don’t shine if you don’t shine” (70). Eventually, the two started referring to this sentiment as Shine Theory.
Friedman and Sow describe Shine Theory as “an operating principle of our friendship,” which they define as “an investment, over the long term, in helping a friend be their best” (70). Shine Theory entails celebrating mutual success and sharing accomplishments without succumbing to envy or competition. This approach challenges the zero-sum game mentality often prevalent in professional environments, advocating instead for a model where everyone collectively benefits from each other’s successes.
Friedman wrote a column that introduced the concept of Shine Theory, and the piece went viral. Many people attempted to co-opt it—Sow and Friedman even discovered a company that had claimed the domain and trademark for it. After spending thousands of dollars on legal fees, they were able to claim the name for themselves, and they assert that they were right to feel so protective; while many people understood the true meaning of Shine Theory, others used it to espouse a watered-down version of feminism to sell products.
Sow and Friedman conclude the chapter by describing a powerful example of Shine Theory: In 2018, 24 women were elected to the House of Representatives. These women expressed support for one another and made it clear they were on each other’s side, despite the cutthroat nature of politics. They were early in calling for an impeachment inquiry into President Trump. Sow and Friedman share that even in a seemingly zero-sum field like politics, Shine Theory can thrive. They reference a quote from Representative Ilhan Omar, in which Omar suggested that President Trump was intimidated by women who were supporting each other and practicing Shine Theory.
Chapters 3-4 Analysis
Chapters 3 and 4 transition from the foundation of Sow and Friedman’s friendship into the exploration of deeper themes such as attachment theory and Shine Theory. This progression mirrors the evolution of their relationship from a casual to a more profound bond. The authors meticulously detail their experiences, challenges, and the conceptual frameworks they encountered or developed to navigate their friendship. By alternating between personal anecdotes and theoretical discussions, Sow and Friedman effectively convey The Power and Complexity of Friendship, emphasizing that like any meaningful relationship, The Intentional Work of Maintaining a Friendship requires effort, understanding, and the willingness to address underlying issues.
Sow and Friedman integrate references from various fields, including communication studies and historical research, to bolster their narrative and provide a broader context. Citing Emily Langan’s work on attachment theory and Stephanie Coontz’s studies on historical friendship dynamics, they not only substantiate their experiences but also highlight the universal aspects of friendship challenges. These citations serve to underline the authors’ thorough exploration of friendship and its societal underpinnings, reinforcing their authority on the subject. The history of friendship they recount in particular demonstrates the central role friendship has played in Western societies throughout history, lending weight to the author’s argument that modern friendship should be given greater attention and significance.
The authors employ an intersectional feminist lens to dissect their experiences, examining how gender, race, and professional status intersect within the fabric of their friendship. By discussing the absence of mentorship for women in the workplace and detailing their personal struggles with systemic barriers, Sow and Friedman advocate for a collective approach to overcoming professional hurdles. The introduction of Shine Theory as a strategy for mutual empowerment further emphasizes the necessity of supportive networks, showcasing how feminist principles can be applied to fortify personal and professional relationships. Shine Theory works against both cultural narratives that frame female friendships as shallow or competitive and against the tendency to silo the personal and professional aspects of life. By fostering friendships that nurture and celebrate all aspects of life, the authors show, we can help each other grow, and perhaps even change the world.
The authors’ use of first-person plural narration throughout the book, particularly in these chapters, acts as a literary device that symbolizes their unity and collective identity. By choosing to narrate their story with a unified voice, Sow and Friedman emphasize the shared nature of their experiences and the mutual effort required to sustain their Big Friendship. This approach allows the reader to perceive their friendship as a single entity, reinforcing the theme of interdependence and collective growth. It also subtly reinforces the message of Shine Theory: our friends’ triumphs are also our own.
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