Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

Cain agrees with her friend, Dr. Susan David, who devised the term “tyranny of positivity” (160) that defines American culture. Effectively, Americans are expected to embrace a strength mindset in all circumstances and are implicitly discouraged from exhibiting any manifestations of internal struggle. Cain traces this general cultural value to the nation’s founding, specifically locating the source in its Calvinist roots. Of this, Cain says Americans are “encouraged to see ourselves, deep down, as winners or losers—and to show, with our sanguine-choleric behavior, that we belong to the former group. These attitudes shape countless aspects of our lives, often without our realizing it” (143). Feelings such as sadness and sorrow contradict the appearance that people are winners and are thus looked down upon, as Cain describes: “There was no place for sorrow or joy- there was only the need to show that you were one of the winners, with a one-way ticket to heaven” (147). This bifurcation into winners and losers fosters an atmosphere that leads to the suppression of sorrow and other like emotions.

Cain visits her alma mater, Princeton University, to conduct an interview with a group of students. She discovers that the university social code elevates what she refers to as effortless perfection. Cain defines this as a social convention in which one is expected to demonstrate an “easy grace that gets you accepted to the most exclusive eating clubs just by showing up and being—apparently—yourself” (151). Effortless perfection is a kind of armor people put on in social circles which gives the appearance of strength and success and masks any kind of hint that a person is weak. Cain sees this as highly problematic. She says, “It’s no accident that the phrase effortless perfection […] was born during an era of rising rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide on campus” (157). Cain further explores how suppressing emotions can lead to trouble. She interviews Dr. Susan David, who explains that “Research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger” (161). Rather than confronting sorrow, when it is pushed aside, it does not go away. Instead, it grows stronger and can have lasting impacts on a person’s life. The term used to describe this behavior is called amplification, and Dr. David suggests that “You might think you’re in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them, but in fact they control you. Internal pain always comes out. Always. And who pays the price? We do. Our children, our colleagues, our communities” (161). Part of Cain’s argument in the book is that American culture specifically needs to learn how to create space for less appealing emotions, and this involves first recognizing that being sad is not the same as being weak. Cain says, “We’re often taught to focus on our strengths, not weaknesses. But we shouldn’t confuse a bittersweet temperament, or a ‘negative’ emotional state such as sadness, with weakness” (165). This mistaken view of natural human emotion is a source of anxiety and stress which can have all manner of negative health consequences both physical and mental. Instead, a new understanding of the value of sadness and melancholy is what Cain attempts to foster by writing the book. These emotions are as much part of the human experience as joy and happiness, perhaps even more fundamental in Cain’s view, and learning how to cope with them leads to fuller and more robust personal growth.