Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

“He wanted to be a dad, but he also wanted a croissant.”

Druckerman encompasses one of the overarching ideas of parenthood in France, which is that parents should maintain some semblance of their independent life even after having children. She draws on the example of two parents who disagreed over whether the husband should have left the hospital during the delivery to feed his appetite.

“To believe in The Pause, or in letting an older baby cry it out, you also have to believe that a baby is a person who’s capable of learning things (in this case, how to sleep) and coping with some frustration.”

The pause is a technique that suggests that parents should wait a few moments before tending to a crying baby in the night. This allows the baby to learn to connect their sleep cycles and prevents the parent from accidentally waking them. Beneath this strategy is the idea of seeing babies as being capable of some amount of self-management.

“The French seem collectively to have achieved the miracle of getting babies and toddlers not just to wait, but to do so happily. Could this ability explain the difference between French and American kids?”

Druckerman argues for the idea of Parenting as a Social Construct, but her tendency to depict one culture favorably over the other leads to an imbalance of information and a biased perspective. The idea that all French parents have mastered the art of patience with their children is too sweeping a statement.

“Children will always have the impulse to give in to their vices. But they’re happier when they’re sage and in command of themselves.”

The use of the word “sage” instead of “good” or “well-behaved” relates to the theme of Language and Why It Matters. By calling a child sage, a parent is prompting that child to tap into inner resources to become capable and intuitive. Using this word suggests that the child already has this quality and is just being asked to let it come through, giving them confidence in their abilities as a person.

“I don’t just have a swimming-class problem; I seem to have a philosophical problem, too.”

Druckerman’s style of investigation maintains a pattern: An observation inspires a question, which leads to research and talking to others. When Druckerman took Bean to swimming lessons and found that the children weren’t actually being taught to swim yet, it was a lesson in the French approach to refraining from rushing development and allowing children to “awaken” in their own time.

“French parents have made Dolto (standing on the shoulders of Rousseau) part of their parenting firmament.”

In this metaphor, Druckerman emphasizes the influence of 18th-century philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau and 20th-century pediatrician Françoise Dolto on French parenting. Both of these figures’ theories continue to resonate with parents today and act as the backbone to many modern ideas of parenting, like autonomy and the cadre (see Index of Terms).

“Why are middle-class Americans so skeptical of day care? The answer has its roots in the nineteenth century.”

Druckerman draws on historical examples to piece together the reasons behind Americans’ fears of putting their children in daycare and the attitude that parents who do so are neglecting their children. By examining the historical roots of this issue, Druckerman sheds light on how daycares continue to be seen as dangerous and degraded places, despite modern standards alleviating most of these issues.

“I’m also struck by the nearly universal assumption that even good mothers aren’t at the constant service of their children, and that there’s no reason to feel bad about that.”

The idea that mothers do not exist just to serve their children is born out of modern feminism and the belief that women are more than just child-producing vessels. Women in France today expect to resume their careers after a few months at home, and they also expect to have time away from their children to recharge and be the best version of themselves.

“The perfect mother doesn’t exist.”

This short but powerful phrase emphasizes that mistakes happen, that mothers are human, and that refusing to act in total servitude to one’s children does not make one a bad parent. The phrase is highly encouraging and comforting, particularly for first-time mothers who might still be consumed by the guilt they experience from doing something they deem as a mistake.

“The child greets, therefore he is.”

In this spin on the famous line “I think therefore I am” by 17th-century French scientist and philosopher René Descartes, Druckerman emphasizes the importance of being polite and of teaching a child to greet others. This small gesture symbolizes the child’s position as a full person and demonstrates their acknowledgment of others and their needs.

“We’ve appropriated the French word because there’s no good English translation of bêtise. In English, you wouldn’t tell a child that he’s committed ‘a small act of naughtiness.’ We tend to label the kid rather than the crime, by telling him that he’s being naughty, misbehaving, or just ‘being bad.’”

The term “bêtise” refers to small and insignificant acts of misbehavior. These acts do not necessarily require intervention or scolding, because they are seen as a natural and expected aspect of being a child. The difference between this and the American view of “naughtiness” is that Americans tend to attribute the behavior to the child’s moral being and personality, rather than seeing it as just something people do.

“Simon says he’d be happy with just one kid. Out of respect for him, I consider this possibility for about four seconds.”

In this moment of sarcastic humor, Druckerman comments on her strong desire to have three children and Simon’s more relaxed attitude toward the idea. Druckerman’s dry comedic style adds levity to the potentially serious topic of parenting.

“As if to cement my status, Bean comes home from school one day and announces that I’m a maman crotte de nez. I immediately type this into Google Translate. It turns out that she has called me a ‘mommy booger.’ Given the circumstances, it’s a very good description.”

Bean’s acquisition of French was often a source of humor in the family. Simon in particular found Bean’s comments in French to be amusing, while Druckerman saw them more as an ironic reminder of the life she chose.

“It’s no accident that Leo has mastered the present progressive. He lives in the present progressive. He’s in constant, rapid motion. He doesn’t walk anywhere; he runs. I can tell who’s approaching by the speed of the footsteps.”

Druckerman sees her children’s particular use of language as revealing their personalities, creating a connection between how children talk and who they are as people. Each child had their preferred way of speaking matching their temperament.

“If overparenting was an airline, Park Slope, Brooklyn, would be its hub. Every parenting trend and new product seems to originate or refuel there.”

In this humorous metaphor, Druckerman compares Brooklyn to an airport in which parenting advice is constantly coming in and out. It is a place where the latest trends seem to land first, and where parents are constantly clambering for the next piece of advice to make their lives easier and their parenting more effective.

“Another way that French parents and educators build the cadre is simply by talking a lot about the cadre. That is, they spend a lot of time telling their kids what’s permissible and what’s not. All this talk seems to will the cadre into existence. It starts to take on an almost physical presence, much like a good mime convinces you there’s actually a wall.”

The cadre, or frame, that parents create for their children is one of the most essential and foundational aspects of French parenting. The way that parents build this framework of expectations is by talking about it often; this repetition instills it as fact in the child’s mind.

“In moments of desperation I start telling my kids, in French, ‘C’est moi qui décide’ (It’s me who decides). Just uttering this sentence is strangely fortifying. My back stiffens a bit when I say it.”

The theme of Language and Why It Matters becomes important here in the voice of authority parents can reliably access. While Druckerman finds it challenging to be authoritative in English, the French phrase “It’s me who decides” empowered her and reminded her children of her position as a parent, rather than as a friend, chauffeur, or servant.

“Autonomy is one of a child’s most basic needs.”

This short sentence sums up one of the major foundational ideas in French parenting: Autonomy is the ultimate goal. French parents want to raise children who will succeed on their own, who will be confident, and who will be able to handle all of life’s challenges healthily and bravely.

“Some French principles are easier to implement when you’re actually on French soil.”

Druckerman admits that it is much easier to adhere to French principles of parenting while in France, surrounded by other French parents and with the added support of public daycare and paid parental leave. When a parent has to contend with the contrary influence of every other parent, teacher, and child, raising children in a way that is distinct from one’s own culture can be a challenge.

“Please take this book as inspiration, not doctrine. And be flexible.”

Druckerman includes a disclaimer about the book’s purpose and its position as both a self-help parenting book and a memoir. Because Druckerman’s book is, for the most part, based on her observations and not scientific fact, it is important to remember that the advice contained within it may not be universally applicable.

“If you believe that little babies can learn things, then you can teach them things.”

What parents believe about their children and their potential is what will come true. A parent who sees their child as vulnerable, incapable, and irrational will raise a child that is all of those things. A parent who sees their child as open to discovery and capable of learning will raise a child who is eager to explore and adept at learning new skills.

“Remind them to be sage—calm and in control of themselves. (Unlike the English equivalent, ‘Be good,’ this implies a certain wisdom and capacity for self-control.”

Language and Why It Matters comes into play when choosing the words that explain boundaries to children. Telling children that their behavior should be “good” is not only vague but also implies that a parent is asking their child to obey rules without thinking about them. In contrast, asking them to be “sage” reminds children that they are seen as capable of calm, collected behavior.

“Play to the top of a child’s intelligence.”

Parents should always expect the best and the most of their child. Doing so is more likely to result in the child rising to the occasion and living up to those expectations. It also lets children know that they are capable and that someone believes in them.