Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

At 38, Pamela becomes anxious about missing the chance to have more children, while Simon is perfectly content with one. Pamela starts fertility treatments and becomes pregnant with twins, which is wonderful news to her and a shock to Simon. Giving birth to twins is harrowing, and the months afterward are not much different. Stress runs high, sleep is rare, and breastfeeding twins is a challenge. Simon dreads having a home filled with loud, often upset children. Pamela orders renovations for the family’s new apartment that she doesn’t understand and unwittingly ends up destroying 200-year-old architecture—something she regrets to this day.

With three young children, Pamela feels irritable and short-tempered; she believes she needs to prioritize the children at all times. Pamela and Simon’s relationship suffers. Pamela hears from French women about the importance of maintaining a sex life and having leisure time away from children, particularly for romantic relationships to thrive. French women prioritize their relationships, while American women see them as secondary. Breaks from parents are also important for children, who benefit from time away and the joyful reunion afterward.

In France, gender equality has a long way to go, and this is especially true when it comes to childrearing and household duties. Despite this, Pamela notices that many French mothers don’t mind or even take pride in being primary caregivers, and they don’t expect much from their husbands. Simon and Pamela are invited to a weekend away with some friends. During that time Pamela observes the youthful, lively energy between the other couple. She compares their dynamic to her own relationship, in which she frequently criticizes Simon rather than showing gratitude and realizes that a shift needs to be made to mend their bond.

Pamela’s three children appreciate a wide variety of foods, thanks to growing up in a culture that focuses on healthy eating. Pamela observes that children raised in the US often have highly particular food preferences, unlike in France. She believes this starts when babies are first introduced to food. French parents tend toward fruits and vegetables and celebrate the introduction of each new food into a child’s life. They accept that some children will be reluctant, but literature suggests that parents keep trying, while talking about and asking questions about the food. Pamela attends a commission meeting to decide on the crèche menus for Paris and finds several valuable lessons. The commission discourages thinking of certain foods as “kids’ foods,” and prescribes as much variety as possible. Pamela also visits a French family and observes how the mother insists her children at least taste everything, and how everyone eats the same meals. Nobody is forced to eat or to finish their plate, but everyone is always encouraged to at least try. Children are also included in the meal preparation process.

Teaching appropriate eating habits also uses the cadre framework of boundaries. French parents, like Pamela’s friend Hélène, allow their children to have sweets, but only at particular times; this also allows them to enjoy it more. For example, hot chocolate is a staple for Hélène’s family. Another principle is enjoying food and shared meal times, which are not just about eating, but a social time of sensory discovery. Pamela applies as much of this advice as she can in her own family; she serves a wide variety of foods, served in courses with vegetables first, and avoids giving the kids snacks except for the daily goûter. She also lets the children have sweets and serves hot chocolate on cold mornings. 

The chapter ends with a recipe for Hélène’s hot chocolate.

Pamela is at the park one day with her three children when her neighbor notices her constantly chasing after Leo, who keeps running to the gate to leave. She tells Pamela that it’s all about her belief in her own authority: Children notice doubt or lack of conviction. Pamela alters her tone, and after a few attempts, Leo sits down to play with the others. Pamela can see that French parents balance their authority and children’s freedom; she talks to parents and experts about how they manage their children’s behavior.

A French mother who lives in Brooklyn initially thought American styles of parenting were touching and wonderful but soon saw a sense of entitlement in their children. She uses a French style of authoritative parenting, with clear boundaries (the cadre) and also respect for the child’s own will and developing personality. The American parents that Pamela speaks to either exhaustively constantly police their children or choose not to instill any rules at all, while French parents make decisions and feel confident they know what’s best.

One French woman advises Pamela to use “big eyes” when enforcing rules because it adds an air of authority. Others tell Pamela to raise her voice only when a situation is severe enough to require it: Children need firm boundaries, but a great deal of freedom within them. Child psychiatrist Daniel Marcelli confirms that children should only be told “no” when it makes sense, and that rules should have a purpose. When Pamela applies these principles to her own life, she struggles at first. One of Pamela’s embarrassments is the way Leo always shouts in the courtyard when they leave their apartment. One day, she stops before going outside and calmly explains to him that yelling is not something people do in the courtyard. She gives him a moment to absorb this information and respond. When they exit together, Pamela is shocked to find that Leo remains quiet as he dashes across the lawn.

Certain aspects of the French view of children’s autonomy resonate with Pamela, while others are hard for her to grasp. When Bean is five, her school arranges a week-long trip away from parents (a commonplace event). Pamela is shocked, noting that American parents are wary of children’s autonomy because they are often unsure where exactly the limits should be and constantly want to protect their children. Childrearing expert Dolto clarifies this confusion by explaining that while children need to be kept safe, they also need to be allowed physical and emotional independence to whatever extent they are capable of. Children are for the most part expected to solve their own conflicts, for instance. French parents reinforce this self-sufficiency through a lack of constant praise because this gives children the chance to feel good about their accomplishments intrinsically. Similarly, French education tends to focus on the negative; in Pamela’s experience, Bean’s teachers virtually never compliment Bean or report any positive developments. They only document any problems. This runs in direct contrast to the American view that children should always be praised and reaffirmed. 

Pamela finds navigating the delicate balance between autonomy and freedom with her children challenging, because she is compelled to protect and help them, but knows that they need to learn to do that for themselves.

Pamela finally starts to feel settled and comfortable, as well as accepted and part of life in Paris as her children absorb a rich combination of French and American cultures. She stresses to the reader that many of the principles explained in the book rest on parents believing in themselves. 

Pamela and her husband’s relationship improves as their children get older and more independent. They even agree to let Bean spend time with Pamela’s mother in Miami (without her parents there). Bean has a great time on the trip and proves she is capable of longer periods of separation. Pamela even finds that she can take the children to a restaurant without ensuing chaos; they all sit “sagely” and eat their meals.