Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

Pamela points out the importance of word choice. When describing pregnancy, she encourages readers to shift their thinking away from anxiety and toward “serenity, balance, and Zen” (275). The first nine points of advice are about the importance of not overanalyzing pregnancy but rather enjoying it: A calm mother is said to produce a calmer child. Expectant mothers should be careful about eating but not panic for overindulging. Dressing in ways that boost self-esteem and remaining sexual are also important. Women shouldn’t berate themselves for having an epidural during childbirth. Finally, fathers should avoid viewing the moment of childbirth directly, to preserve the “feminine mystique.”

French parents see their children as capable and rational beings who deserve honesty and respect, politeness, and explanations about the world with the assumption that they will understand. Pamela advises parents to give their newborns a house tour when they arrive home from the hospital as a way of beginning this dynamic. When parenting a baby, French parents observe more than intervene and allow babies to have downtime away from stimulation. Creating a feeding schedule is important for the health of babies and their parents; baby formula is a perfectly acceptable way to feed an infant. When solid foods are introduced, parents should try flavorful foods like fruits and vegetables.

Helping a baby learn to sleep through the night requires patience and persistence, confidence, and an understanding that the child is capable of achieving it. Infants need time to learn to stay asleep between cycles: Knowing how sleep cycles work helps avoid anxiously checking on the child every time they make a sound (which can lead to them fully waking up). Pamela reminds readers of “the pause”—waiting a few minutes for an infant to fall back asleep on their own teaches them to sleep through the night. Talking to babies about how sleep works and why it matters reaffirms the idea that babies are capable of understanding and rationalizing. Having a bedtime routine is important as well. Teaching a baby how to sleep through the night takes time, but the results benefit everyone. If a baby is not sleeping through the night by around four months old, French experts suggest letting them cry it out, which usually works within a few nights.

The overarching idea is to see a child as someone capable of eating like anyone else eats and to persist in serving a variety of foods until the child learns to appreciate each new taste and texture. In France, children are expected to eat what their parents eat. They have sweets, but only during snacks or on weekends. Food should not be used to quell an agitated child. Children should have only one snack a day, so they are hungry for meals. Involving children in meal preparation makes them more enthusiastic about food and encouraging children to taste everything on their plate makes them comfortable with new tastes. Variety in meals makes eating more enjoyable, provides more nutrients, and makes eating a process of discovery. Water should be the primary drink of choice, and meals should be nutritionally balanced throughout the day.

American parenting typically features the desire to accelerate development and “win the race” of life. While French parents equally want their children to succeed, they don’t see any benefits in rushing developmental milestones; studies of child development mirror this sentiment. Teaching a child how to read before they are ready, for instance, will not make them a better reader in the long run. Children should be allowed to discover their world at their own pace and in their own way. Free time should be plentiful. Socialization with other children is important and extracurricular activities should be for the sake of the child’s enjoyment. Remembering to enjoy the journey is better than focusing on the destination.

Calm and patience go hand in hand, and both are present the French families. Giving children time to practice waiting teaches them to distract themselves and make waiting bearable; parents can do this by not allowing children to interrupt them, not interrupting children in turn, and explaining to children that they have to wait a minute when someone is busy. Believing children are capable of patience is key. A great way to practice patience while having fun is baking. The ability to cope with frustration is an important life skill that children only learn by becoming frustrated. Tantrums in particular are a complex subject that largely depends on the child and why they’re upset. Lastly, having patience with children and the pace at which they learn patience makes the process smoother and more effective.

Letting children live their lives allows them to become independent, confident, autonomous individuals. Children should be given chores within their capabilities and allowed to feel like they can contribute. They should have a framework of rules and independence within those boundaries, as well as the freedom to say the occasional “caca boudin.” Pamela encourages parents to let their children spend time away with trusted adults like grandparents and to let children resolve their conflicts with others when possible. Children should be allowed to take calculated risks and should be encouraged to praise themselves, rather than always depending on external validation. When children reach a major milestone, it’s a sign of things going well and should be celebrated. Children should also be given a reasonable amount of privacy and space, which everyone deserves.

Children’s autonomy is crucial, as is that of mothers. It is important to make time for oneself away from children and to not feel guilty about doing so. Other factors to take into consideration are concern for one’s appearance: Pamela and many French mothers believe that looking good makes a woman feel better and more confident. Allowing children to have free time means parents also have more free time. A parent’s happiness should not ultimately depend on the happiness of their child at any given moment.

Maintaining a healthy marriage after having children should be prioritized. Women should remember that a baby “doesn’t replace your husband” (347), and some level of privacy in the bedroom is healthy and necessary once a baby is old enough to sleep alone. Being honest with one’s partner about difficulties and conflicts helps keep the doors of communication open; conflicts should be resolved away from the children. Each parent should contribute according to their ability, which doesn’t necessarily mean a 50/50 split. Setting aside adult time each evening and maintaining mystery in the relationship can also keep the spark alive.

Having rules and enforcing them is part of being a parent; this starts with being able to utter a fully convincing “no” when a child is misbehaving or requesting something they shouldn’t have. It is equally important to say “yes” whenever it makes sense to do so and to explain the reasoning behind the rules that exist. Parents have to accept that their child will become angry and even dislike them at times, as these emotions are not permanent. Choosing one’s battles and remaining calm helps children do the same. Parents shouldn’t expect children to behave according to any given rule on the first try; parents must avoid discipline and instead provide ongoing education. Punishment should be reserved for when it really matters. Finally, it’s important to know that sometimes nothing can be done but to wait out the situation.

Pamela ends with a few recipes from the crèche Bean attended, including orange and carrots, artichoke soup, and salmon creole. These are separated into appetizers/sides, main courses, and desserts, as meals should be served in courses. Pamela also includes a sample weekly menu at the crèche; children of various age groups are served different foods with the aim of providing a wide array of choices and plenty of nutrition.