Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

Raising thriving children is the ultimate goal of all parents, but reaching this goal is different depending on how thriving is defined. In France, happiness and resilience are thought to stem from patience, calm, and self-control—qualities that parents attempt to instill in their children from birth. French parents thus assume that “autonomy is one of a child’s most basic needs” (258). They do not see a need to rush children through development or into growing up, but they do see the importance of treating children with respect, honesty, and trust. This approach prioritizes rationality as the key feature of a healthy emotional life. 

Much of French parenting theory is based on the influence of 20th-century child psychologist Françoise Dolto, who believed that children are rational beings from birth and who are capable of handling limits imposed upon them, although “strictness must come with flexibility, including giving kids autonomy and choice” (234). She thought that children should be given the credit they deserve and that the best should always be expected of them. She also believed children should be given an honest and complete picture of the world and its realities, however difficult that may sometimes be. The idea is that whatever is expected of them is what they will become: If parents view their children as capable of rationality, the children are more likely to act with that rationality. 

Along with viewing children as rational, French parents also view them as innately wise. They encourage their children to access their inner resources, as children are “happier when they’re sage and in command of themselves” (73-74). Belief in children’s sagacity leads to an authoritative style of parenting, which means that the parent is ultimately in charge but the child’s thoughts and feelings are still taken into consideration: After setting strict boundaries, French parents allow their children a great deal of freedom to choose, explore, and express within those boundaries. For example, French parents tend to restrict sweets to snack times and weekends, but during those times children are allowed to indulge. 

The French approach also believes that healthy children rely on healthy parents and healthy families. This means that an important aspect of raising a well-adjusted child is parenting with confidence in one’s own abilities. Children can sense unease and anxiety; by “leaving a child alone, safely, to figure things out for himself” (248), parents give that child the opportunity to reach their potential.

Culture shock is central to Druckerman’s experience of new motherhood. She came to Paris to be with Simon, but remains an American at heart; she found adapting to living in France and having children in that culture challenging. 

Becoming pregnant in Paris meant not having her parents as a support system nearby. Instead, Druckerman had to form a new friend group and adapt to French customs and parenting styles. Druckerman was resistant to this idea at first, but, after observing that French children around her seemed calmer and happier, Druckerman was inspired to apply French principles to her own life as a mother.

Druckerman’s personality often clashed with French expectations of expecting and new mothers. During pregnancy, she worried about everything, absorbing endless, often conflicting parenting advice from American sources. In contrast, her conversations with French parents found consistency of parenting style, which was comforting because it suggested a solid framework to be confident about. Druckerman was also advised about the importance of maintaining her feminine mystique throughout the pregnancy and childbirth because doing so would help to maintain her relationship—a French priority that American mothers often don’t feel pressure to take on.

After Bean was born, Druckerman’s journey became infinitely more complex. She discovered that she could do nothing to stop Bean from being influenced by French culture, and decided not to fight it. Instead, Druckerman adopted French principles such as serving children vegetables first and using a confident tone when enforcing rules, which produced good parenting results. Having French approaches to parenting help finally offered Druckerman a way to assimilate into her new home: “What has really connected me to France is discovering the wisdom of French parenting” (261). Though she’d felt distant and separate from the surrounding culture for a long time, becoming a mother and investigating attitudes toward parenting in France developed an appreciation for the country and its people.