“Every Me4U creator was different and had varying levels of activity, but since this was my full-time job, I posted a spicy picture to my page at least once a day, and a long-form video every Wednesday like clockwork to my main page for all my paid subscribers. Usually, I had my posts scheduled ahead of time, but this past week had been especially hectic. I was down to the wire and didn’t like it. This wasn’t just a job to me. My subscribers weren’t just random people; they were my community.”

In this passage from Lauren’s perspective, she articulates her deep love for her profession in sex work, and her redefinition of her subscribers as her “community” also sets the stage for the abstract affection she holds for NT95, Junior’s online persona on her Me4U page. Lauren’s overview indicates that for her, sex work is a valid profession, and her perception of her subscribers as a community highlights how seriously she takes her job.

“Movement behind her drew my gaze, and I glanced over to see people nearby casting looks her way. One or two even leaned in to whisper something to those seated next to them. I thought they were talking about Tommy at first—news traveled fast in the old neighborhood—but then I caught sight of their censuring glances and realized this wasn’t idle church gossip; this had teeth. It brought to mind Dad’s insult. Whore. Were these motherfuckers talking shit about Lauren? My Lauren?”

Junior’s harsh use of language in this passage indicates his rough, coarse outlook on the world even as his thoughts reveal his rigid sense of justice. The author also injects a note of humor into the gravity of the passage, for Junior condemns the judgmental parishioners just as they are condemning Lauren. On a more serious note, the gossip in church also acts as an early indicator that Lauren must still endure a barrage of public disapproval for the very work that she so deeply loves. The quote also shows how Junior feels about Lauren’s job. Not only does he support her and praise her for her work, but he also remains a fierce defender of her right to engage in sex work without being shamed or degraded for her choice.

“One look. One goddamn look, and I’d spent all of Mass trying not to squirm in my seat like a…well, like a jezebel in a church. What was it that caused this kind of instant response between people? Was it just mutual attraction? Or was there something more to it, something the subconscious part of our brain sensed like pheromones or genetic compatibility or mutual assured destruction?”

Lauren’s use of the word “jezebel” in this passage suggests that although she consciously rejects the widespread disapproval that comes her way, her religious background has nonetheless caused her to internalize a measure of shame. In biblical terms, the name “Jezebel” referred to an Old Testament figure who came to be known as the quintessential “wicked woman.” Her name became synonymous with wanton, sexually promiscuous, and disruptive women. In this context, Lauren’s reluctant use of the term represents her grudging acknowledgement of the biased social standards that are being silently wielded against her during the church service. Painfully aware of her fellow parishioners’ disapproval, she begins to internalize their perspective despite her own strong stance on the issue of her profession.

“And that was why it was so hard for me to trust people. The bonfire of my social and school life only exacerbated my unresolved feelings about being abandoned by my parents. It was the darkest time in my life. Nowadays, I lived by that Maya Angelou quote: ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’ It had become my mantra because I had learned the hard way that if you give people second chances, they’ll only use them to hurt you more.”

In the aftermath of Junior’s high-school-era betrayal, Lauren loses her ability to trust and love people, especially those who have hurt her. However, this quote also introduces the idea of “second chances,” and although Lauren is initially reluctant to extend such a chance to anyone, the entire romance on which the novel is based turns upon her decision to do just that. Fortunately, Junior ultimately honors her hard-won trust when he never betrays her again and makes amends for their complex past.

“I might have barely graduated from high school, but math was never my issue. If I’d been born into a different life, a different family, I could have made a career out of it. Hell, if things had gone better between me and Lauren, I might have. She was the only person who ever told me I could be more, that I didn’t have to follow in my father’s footsteps. No wonder Dad was hell-bent on keeping me away from her.”

In this introspective passage, Junior parses apart his past decisions and speculates on the reasons for his father’s harsh actions. His thoughts show that despite his violent tendencies and anger issues, he does possess a deeper, more sensitive awareness of other people’s motivations. He also acknowledges the positive influence that Lauren once had on his life. Her support has always been unconditional, allowing him to be whoever he wants to be, whereas Nico Sr.’s support depends entirely upon his son’s performance in the mafia. This realization is just one step in the process of Escaping the Legacy of Violence and Crime, and this train of thought will ultimately lead Junior to leave the mafia and build a new life with Lauren.

“Every word was guarded, I never let my expression belie my true emotions, and I kept my cool even under the worst circumstances—though lately that had become more difficult thanks to my temper. This bike was my rebellion, a way to burn off stress. I felt reckless on it, careless. Like I could do anything. Like my whole family wasn’t dependent on me in some way or another. Like I was free.”

The motorcycle is a potent simple of danger and freedom as it both allows greater mobility and carries the risk of more damaging accidents. The passage also indicates that Junior is trapped in a cycle of anger and suppression that continuously becomes more difficult to maintain, and the motorcycle therefore acts as a release valve that allows him to vent his frustration.

“My reaction to Junior was a natural response, but it didn’t have to mean anything more than that. Fighting it would only make it worse. Instead, I chose to accept that this was how he made me feel, physically, so I could move past it and focus on the more important matter: how he made me feel emotionally. Which was confused. Very confused.”

In this scene, Lauren tries to separate her physical desire to have sex with Junior from her emotional desire to build a relationship with him. However, these emotions are clouded by her fear that he will betray her again. She is confused because all these feelings—both physical and emotional—are bound together by the allure of resuming her high school relationship.

“My eyebrows rose at that. They were married? For some reason, I’d assumed they were just two people paid to fuck in front of a crowd. I’d never imagined that a couple in a committed relationship would want to do something like this. Not that I was judging; I’d just literally never thought about anything like this before. All of the relationships in my life were the hetero-normative kind. The mob wasn’t exactly known for its inclusivity, and in a way, I’d grown up pretty fucking sheltered because of it.”

As Lauren predicted, Junior initially struggles to adjust to the open and honest sexual environment of Velvet, but his intrigue and open-mindedness allow him to overcome the social conditioning of years spent in a “sheltered” environment. Rather than rejecting the unknown at first glance, Junior thoughtfully considers this new experience, and his shock quickly turns to arousal. While Lauren feared that Junior’s surprise would turn to anger or laughter, his swift adjustment to this new social reality shows her that he is a better fit for her than she anticipated.

“The trouble was, we were limited in our options. This city still had a handful of vice laws on the books, meant to govern the moral behavior of its citizens. Because of them, we were only allowed to operate by being a private, members-only club. We could never own property, and were instead forced to rent out buildings like the one currently housing Velvet. That way, we weren’t facilitating sex and therefore couldn’t be accused of prostitution […]. We couldn’t even sell liquor. Instead, we had bartenders who were available to mix and pour whatever drinks our patrons brought in themselves.”

The laws surrounding Velvet’s existence show that sexuality is governed in ways that do not directly address sex itself. Instead of banning sexually charged establishments like Velvet, the law restricts where they can be located, what they can serve, and who can join them. Lauren’s matter-of-fact description of the issues involved reflects her focus on political activism and her desire to address The Need for Empowerment in Sex Work.

“My heart ached for her. I’d been there before, so, so many times. We faced a constant barrage of comments with words like slut, whore, and every other derogatory word under the sun, and most of the time, we just had to accept it as part of the territory. We’d even done a decent job reclaiming the words for our own, to the point that I didn’t even bat an eye when I saw them anymore. Instead, I found a way to use someone’s misogyny against them, firing back responses like, My sexting channel is open if you want to see what a whore I’ll be for you, and then I watched the dollars stack up when they entered the paid-for chat.”

Lauren’s method of handling the onslaught of misogyny that she experiences in her work reflects a known—if dangerous—pattern in real-life sex work. Instead of defending herself, she uses the misogyny to squeeze more money out of her sexist subscribers, engaging in a form of vengeance for their discriminatory remarks. However, the process of addressing misogyny is difficult for Lauren, who later notes how challenging it is to face this issue on a daily basis without internalizing the shame and self-loathing that such comments are intended to evoke.

“I shut my expression down, my mind working on overdrive. This wasn’t Dad being some gracious benefactor. This was his response to me pulling away. It was his last-ditch effort to tie me closer to him in a setting where I couldn’t refuse. Because there was no logical reason for me to decline the offer. And while I wanted to break free more than anything, as of right now, I wasn’t ready, didn’t have something to fall back on, had no plan in place for how to deal with the fallout of severing ties with my old man. Which meant I had to say yes.”

Junior’s frustration laces the words of this passage as he describes every aspect of the invisible trap in which his father has caught him. The mental games that he must play with his father are deeply oppressive, as is implied when he perceives that his father’s “good” news is really just another veiled attempt to control his life. Lacking an exit strategy, he has no immediate way to establish boundaries to block Nico Sr.’s attempts to draw him more deeply into the family business. Junior’s father, sensing that his son is pulling away, uses this tactic to mask his desire for control as generosity, which likewise causes more distance between him and Junior.

“I glanced over at Lauren, wondering if this was her plan all along, and found her unabashedly staring at the women. I’d guessed she wasn’t straight given her rainbow tattoo, but watching the intensity on her face now confirmed it. Maybe I should have been worried, or jealous, but all I felt was smug that out of all the people available to her, she was choosing to spend her time with me. It made me even more determined not to fuck it up.”

A challenging element of modern perceptions of sexuality is the issue of bias against people who identify as bisexual; this attitude is often rooted in the misguided assumption that bisexual partners are more likely to be unfaithful, are excessively sexually active, or cannot be trusted to “choose” one partner over another. With Junior’s accepting attitude toward Lauren’s sexuality, Allen seeks to subvert these harmful stereotypes. Instead of seeing how Lauren might cheat on him, Junior appreciates that Lauren is choosing to be with him instead of anyone else, and he accepts her sexuality as it is rather than trying to force her to change.

“She jerked back like I’d slapped her. ‘I have my psychology degree. It’s done wonders to help me connect with my subs. And being a sex worker doesn’t mean I can’t also have a family, if I choose to, but what I won’t do is have some man try to dictate how I live my life, keep me pregnant and barefoot in his kitchen cooking pasta while he’s off doing god knows what.’”

Lauren’s response, while valid, shows that she has leaped to the conclusion that Junior supports the most extreme stereotypes of patriarchal society: that she should be the proverbial “barefoot housewife. However, this is not something that Junior has proposed. Rather than arguing against Junior, Lauren is arguing against all the restrictions and assumptions about women that she has encountered throughout her life. She sees how other wives of mafia men behave and assumes that Junior will also want her to become like their wives and girlfriends. Her reaction therefore exposes the broader issues perpetrated by patriarchal systems of oppression.

“‘And I’m sorry for how my questions came off,’ he said, easily restraining me. ‘I think what you do is valid work, and I wasn’t trying to imply otherwise. I would never, ever try to trap you, Lauren. If you believe nothing else I’ve said, believe that.’ My pulse thundered in my ears as his words sank in. Goddamn it. He sounded sincere. And if anyone understood what it felt like to be trapped, it was Junior. The hunted look in his eyes last night when he told me about his father’s plans for him had made that crystal clear.”

While Lauren is afraid of giving in to her feelings for Junior or becoming trapped by their relationship, she realizes that Junior is already living in the trap that his father has constructed. Junior’s struggle is due in large part to his unwillingness to lose his family, and his attachment to them has kept him in the mafia against his will. Lauren’s fear is similar, since she is worried that her love for Junior will keep her in a relationship with him even if he proves to be a toxic partner.

“I felt like crying. ‘I’ve been working my ass off to get these politicians to come around, and if you’re telling me they all had to be threatened or bribed, I’m going to lose what little faith I have left in humanity.’ He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. ‘Don’t. You did all of the hard work yourself. I only gave one or two of them a nudge.’”

This passage shows the long-term harm that obsessive love can cause, for although Junior downplays Lauren’s concerns, her point is valid, as she believes that Junior’s interference has undone all of her activism. However, the tender body language that Junior uses in his gentle reply shows that despite his error in judgment, he has made progress on The Journey from Obsession to Genuine Love.

“Do you really care if he is? a small voice asked. The man was a complete bastard and we had nowhere else to go. Yet. But we were working on it. My roommates and I were looking at two more buildings tomorrow, and one of the owners seemed really promising. And in the meantime, we had found the money to make rent and buy ourselves another month. We were going to do this the legal way. The right way.”

Lauren’s decision to pursue a solution to the rent issue without Junior’s help is ethical, but the voice she hears in her head acknowledges the moral ambiguity of the situation. It is not reasonable for Velvet to be restricted to certain buildings, and Junior’s ability to cut through these legal issues subverts the unethical behavior of the government and landlords. However, Lauren’s hesitation stems from her reluctance to use unethical means to undo an unethical situation.

“Things were changing. People were kinder and more accepting than ever before. At least in our generation. It gave me hope that someday in the future, sex workers would be able to speak openly about their lives without any fear of judgment or reprisal. And maybe that made me naïve, or overly optimistic, but so much had changed for the better just in the years I’d been camgirling that it didn’t seem like a fantasy; it felt not only possible, but inevitable.”

Though Lauren’s profession comes under attack at multiple points in the novel, she remains optimistic about the way the sex work will be regarded in the future. In many ways, the author uses Lauren’s inner thoughts as a medium through which to advance a broader message, and the frequency of these moments in the novel makes it clear that the Into Darkness trilogy is meant to serve as a form of activism itself.

“Oh, god, was any of it even real, between Nic and I, or was I some sort of pawn? Did Nic and his family think I had information on Tommy that they planned to trick me into giving them? Or were they just trying to keep a close eye on me because I was an easy mark and the best shot they had at learning about the inevitable investigation into my father’s disappearance? Anger replaced my terror. If it was all an act, and Nic planned to abandon me again as soon as he got what he wanted, or worse, do to me what they’d done to my father, I would spend the rest of my life, or afterlife, depending on the outcome, making him regret it. Starting now.”

This passage reflects Lauren’s spiraling dismay as she reacts to the news about Tommy’s alleged death. Notably, she is already resolved to make Junior “regret” a transgression that she is not yet sure he has committed. This paradox highlights the degree to which she finds it difficult to trust others, and it is clear that her fear of being betrayed again is compelling her to attack first and ask questions later.

“As much as that image was burned into my brain, the one that followed was equally unforgettable. The way Nic’s expression had crumpled, shoulders slumping, regret replacing rage. I couldn’t stop replaying it in my mind. It was the one thing tripping me up. Because if he’d really done everything I’d accused him of, if he was really as big of a bastard as I feared, then why had he looked so distraught?”

In this scene, Lauren is torn between Junior’s outburst (in which he claimed to have killed Tommy) and the immediate regret that he felt after saying it. Although Lauren feels betrayed, Junior’s look of regret makes her suspect that he might not be as guilty as she thought. The fact that she questions her feelings about Junior marks her as a rational character, and her hesitation foreshadows her eventual decision to listen to his explanation.

“Not just my cock, but my protection, my loyalty, my trust, and even my heart. I loved this woman. I’d always loved her. Always would love her, no matter what other crazy-ass shit happened in the future. She was who I was breaking free for, she was who I wanted to build a life with, a real life, lived out in the open and not in the shadows, where I’d spent every moment up until now. I wanted to explore my kinks with her, go to brunch with her and her friends, watch TV together, do all the other cute couple shit that I never thought I would get to experience.”

Despite Junior’s offhand tone, he betrays a sense of earnestness in his recitation of all the activities he anticipates enjoying with Lauren. His contemplations show that he is making a crucial transition from mere lust to genuine love. By transitioning from a crude reference to his “cock” to a more emotional discussion of his “heart,” Junior connects his physical attraction to Lauren to his genuine desire to be with her. The following description of mundane life highlights his desire for a “normal” relationship, which is intrinsically tied to the need to “break free.” In a sense, this passage summarizes Junior’s full inner journey.

“‘Good,’ I told him. If he was hoping to shame me or put me in my place by bringing up my job, he was sorely mistaken. Everyone here knew what I did, and I wasn’t about to tiptoe around it. ‘I gained twenty new subs, got ahead of my filming schedule so Nic and I could spend the rest of the weekend together, and heard back from another city councilmember willing to back the Expanded Safeties for Sex Workers Act. How was your week, Mr. Trocci?’ I smiled and took a sip of my martini, and I swore I heard a low ooh from Josh.”

Though Junior’s father mentions Lauren’s work as a ploy to disparage her by contrasting her profession with Aly’s medical career, Lauren deliberately subverts his expectations by discussing her job casually, as anyone would. This response challenges Nico Sr.’s assumption that she should feel ashamed of her role in sex work. As Lauren blithely indicates that sex work is normal for her, she even finds a way to mention her involvement with politics and her efforts to secure better legal protections for herself and her colleagues.

“‘There’s no con. They are a legitimate business. This is me striking out on my own. I don’t want to do this anymore,’ I said, gesturing between us. ‘I don’t want to run oil or any of the other shit you want me to.’ He shot forward in his chair. ‘Are you fucking—’ His gaze slid past me, to Lauren, and then over to Aly and Josh, reminded of our audience, silenced by their presence. Dad’s number one rule was that we never discussed mob shit in front of people who weren’t in the know.”

In this scene, Junior’s father is upset because his son is actively and publicly defying his will, perhaps for the first time in his life. This interaction reveals volumes about the family’s toxic dynamics and established power structure, as Nico only refrains from chastising Junior because he does not want to air family business in front of the guests. This scene marks the shifting power differential as Junior finally advocates for himself.

“Determination crept into Mom’s expression. ‘You don’t understand. He wasn’t always like this.’ ‘But he’s like this now,’ Greg said. ‘He’s been like this for years. And he isn’t going to get any better if nothing changes.’ Mom darted her glance among me, Alec, and Greg. ‘He was about to release me,’ I said. Not because I was defending my father but because I couldn’t bear to see the look of abject misery on my mother’s face, like the last of her hope was fading away. When I said ‘Dad’ he seemed to come back to himself and realize what he was doing.”

The two contrasting viewpoints in this passage reveal a marked schism within the Trocci family. While Junior and Moira show Nico Sr. empathy despite the man’s egregious behavior, Junior’s brothers are less willing to forgive, and their objections highlight the fact that all of the Trocci siblings have been suffering in silence for years. None of the family members have an obligation to stay with Junior’s father, since he is an abusive parent, but Junior and Moira choose to believe that he can change for the better. Given Junior’s own transformation, the spirit of the narrative implies that such a change is possible for Nico as well, even though Junior explicitly states that he does not “defend” his father’s cruel actions.