Criss Cross

“He definitely felt unfinished, still in process. He felt that there was still time, that by the time three years had passed and he was seventeen, as Rowanne was now, he, too, might coalesce into something. Maybe not something as remarkable as Rowanne, but something. It was possible, he felt.”

Hector’s internal monologue about his identity initiates his Journey Towards Self-Discovery. Hector is studying his reflection in the hallway window while peeking in on his sister Rowanne in her bedroom. This physical scenario inspires Hector to privately compare and contrast himself with his older sibling. He wants to become someone more defined and assured like Rowanne but isn’t yet sure how to pursue this internal change. His reflections on Rowanne also echo Debbie’s habit of comparing herself to her older sister—the characters are looking to their “elders” to formulate independent senses of self.

“He didn’t look like a person who would be an amazing guitar player. Or an amazing anything. Not at first. His apparent ordinariness helped a second thought to sprout on Hector’s moistened sponge, which was that it didn’t look that hard. Or maybe it was hard, but it looked like fun. It looked like the guy was having a blast.”

Hector’s experience at the Arland Community College coffeehouse event inspires his interest in music. He’s particularly moved by one of the guitarist’s performances—which emotionally transports him. He not only admires the musician’s playing but realizes that he could be capable of cultivating a similar artistic passion. The allusions to “fun” and “having a blast” also suggest that Hector is searching for a hobby which will let him enjoy his life and express himself more freely. This passage foreshadows the transformative role that music will play in his Journey Towards Self-Discovery.

“Wisdom assigned everyone a mate. It happened telepathically. She just knew. Telepathy wasn’t working for Debbie so far. She had felt the sudden just knowing, and had tried to casually but silently project her whole inner self or something, but the other parties, the objects of her sudden knowledge, had remained oblivious.”

Debbie’s musings on fate, chance, romance, and telepathy convey her Search for Meaning and Understanding. Debbie is a deep thinker, constantly searching for answers. She also longs for personal connection. She is trying to apply scientific and/or paranormal principles to interpersonal relationships, because she is uncomfortable with the chance-nature of intimacy. This passage of internal monolog captures the interplay between her friendships and her evolving sense of self. She wants a more cosmic force to clarify her circumstances or lend her life meaning.

“The reason they were changing their clothes in a rhododendron bush was cultural evolution. Both of them had mothers who were stranded in the backwaters of a bygone era, and who were unable to grasp many current trends and ideas. You could argue and argue, but they weren’t going to get it. At some point you just had to go change your clothes in a bush.”

The scene where Debbie and Patty change their clothes “in a rhododendron bush” captures their adolescent longing to claim their identities. It also reiterates the role of their historical era to their coming of age. Debbie and Patty are both in a transitional phase between childhood and adulthood. Further, they’re living in an era defined by “cultural evolution.” Desperate to be a part of these cultural shifts, Debbie and Patty don trendy clothes in secret. They are trying to exercise their agency by dressing in the latest fads, but they still feel compelled to hide their new clothes because they remain under their mothers’ jurisdiction. These dichotomies augment their sense of entrapment between childhood and adulthood.

“‘I like it,’ said Lenny. He did like it, sort of. He was going to like it, once he got used to it. It had startled him, at first, to have the flavor inside his own mouth, but it was the taste of the smell of his father, and his father’s friends. It was strange to him, but it was also friendly.”

Lenny starts chewing tobacco to be more like his dad Leon. Although he doesn’t particularly like “the flavor inside his own mouth,” he tells himself that he’ll come to like it because he is experimenting with his identity and imitating his role model. This imagery parallels the images of Debbie wearing her sister’s sweater and lip gloss in Chapter 1; the adolescents are copying the “elders” in their lives in an attempt to formulate an independent sense of self.

“Hector found himself intently focused on the fingers of his left hand. The sound made by seven beginning guitarists and one more advanced guitarist strumming simultaneously but not in unison in a cavernous church basement was proof that sound is a physical occurrence. You could feel the sound waves colliding. They took up space.”

The third person narrator’s figurative language enacts the intensity of Hector’s sensory experience in this scene. Diction including “strumming,” “cavernous,” and “colliding,” evoke notions of simultaneity and convergence. Hector’s sensory immersion in this experience conveys how playing the guitar and making music are edifying him as a person. He is not only sharing space and creating art with his peers, but he’s discovering a new way of expressing and communicating. Music facilitates his Search for Meaning and Understanding.

“In one way, it makes you think, ‘Oh, I don’t have to worry, it’s all taken care of, it will all work out.’ But in another way, it’s like, what if your life turns out really lousy, is it supposed to make you feel better that somebody planned that for you? And there’s nothing you can do about it?”

Patty and Debbie’s conversations about fate, chance, and God are vital to their Search for Meaning and Understanding. The friends are theorizing about the divine, and what ultimately gives their seemingly random lives purpose. This topic of conversation is philosophical, and thus reiterates what deep thinkers Patty and Debbie are. Further, the scene of dialogue underscores the Importance of Friendship and Connection to the characters’ personal development. Patty and Debbie’s friendship consistently offers them a safe space to explore ideas without shame or judgment.

“She was driving a truck. With a stick shift. She loved it. She loved the knob with the diagram on it and the molded rubber thing that covered up whatever was really happening at the bottom of the stick, something that you couldn’t see, you just had to picture it in your mind. She loved balancing the movements of the two pedals, up and down, just so.”

The scene of Debbie learning to drive Lenny’s dad’s car marks a pivotal moment in her Journey Towards Self-Discovery. Debbie’s life in Seldem has historically been defined by predictability and entrapment. Once she learns to drive Leon’s stick shift, she discovers a sense of freedom and possibility. Driving is an archetypal symbol of autonomy and escape. When Debbie learns to drive, she empowers herself. Driving is one of the first ways she learns to make her own decisions and pursue new experiences on her own terms.

“Although he wished he were in California, where there were giant redwood trees and Hollywood and canyons and the Pacific Ocean. There were probably a lot of incredible places and things out there that you could show someone for the first time. He tried to think which places you would show someone in Seldem.”

Hector’s musings on travel and exploration convey his desire to experience new things. He is literally searching for somewhere special to bring Meadow, but this search inspires Hector’s more philosophical thoughts about what gives life meaning. The passage reiterates the novel’s overarching notion that when the individual leaves her familiar surroundings, she gets to discover new environments and gain perspective on herself. At the same time, this passage conveys Hector’s desire to share his experiences and discoveries with others. He’s seeking friendship and intimacy in a tangible manner.

“It was interesting, Debbie thought, how you could recognize a person, even from a distance, and even when you couldn’t see the person’s face. Even when the person was scuttling along the sidewalk like a crustacean. What was it, exactly, that you recognized? In Hector’s case, it was probably his hair. But there was something else, too, she thought. Something so Hector-y about his whole self. She watched him for a moment, wondering what it was that gave him away. She wondered if she had something like that.”

Debbie’s private musings on Hector’s appearance and character convey her depth of character and desire to make sense of the world around her. Debbie doesn’t judge Hector when she sees him racing past the gazebo, carrying a bag of household garbage, but she does study his body language. She is musing on the relationship between Hector’s figure, style, and demeanor and his internal world. Her internal monologue in turn informs her own self-discovery journey. Learning from others, the novel implies, is vital to growing as an individual.

“It sounded so good he hoped someone hadn’t already written it—that could happen. How would you know? What was brilliant, Hector felt, was that the words said ‘fine, totally fine’ and so on, but it had this minor-key sound so you were left thinking, well, is it fine, or maybe it isn’t?”

Songwriting offers Hector a way to discover and claim his voice. He is proud of his new song in this scene, but also fears that it isn’t as original as he thought. He wants to say something in his own way. Further, he wants to express the dichotomies inherent to life. The song is meant to convey Hector’s uncertainties—a central facet of his Search for Meaning and Understanding.

“Still, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor, or on her bed, she felt she had found something. A sanctuary, though she didn’t know from what. A secret entryway. To go where? She didn’t know that, either.”

Debbie’s move into the spare bedroom conveys her attempts to formulate a more defined sense of self and to discover where she belongs. Although the room is crammed and messy, Debbie feels safe here. Diction like “sanctuary,” “secret,” and “entryway” evoke notions of comfort, escape, and discovery. Debbie wants to transcend her monotonous life in Seldem, but she also wants to create a refuge for herself. These are central aspects of coming of age.

“In her mother’s version of the Mrs. Bruning story, Debbie was a take-charge kind of girl who saw a frail old woman in distress and went right to the rescue. She didn’t mind being cast by her mother as a heroine. But the way it happened was more accidental. And it was more equal.”

Helen’s way of describing Debbie contrasts with how Debbie sees herself. Her mother represents her “as a heroine,” but Debbie feels that her life, choices, and identity are less definite than that. At the same time, her mom’s way of seeing her offers Debbie perspective on her identity because it challenges her self-doubt.

“She had, of course, tried to think of something to say, something really funny or interesting that would get his attention and reveal her true self. She was mistaken in thinking that’s what it would take, but she was thinking of it.”

Debbie’s crush on Dan threatens to undermine her authenticity. Debbie feels that she has to present a “funny or interesting” version of herself to her crush to get him to like her. However, these behaviors contradict “her true self.” Adolescent romance, the novel implies, offers the individual opportunities to explore different modes of self-expression and self-presentation.

“‘No,’ said Patty. ‘I’ve heard of mortal sins, but not venial ones. I don’t think we have those at our church. We just say at the same time how basically sinful and unclean we all are. Which I don’t really believe. So if you think about it, I’m telling a lie when I’m supposed to be trying to be holy.’”

Patty’s musings on sin, religion, and holiness enact her Search for Meaning and Understanding. Although only 14 years old, Patty is curious about philosophical topics. She shares these ideas with her friends because she’s still in the process of formulating an independent worldview. This is just one scene of dialogue that conveys how the characters’ friendships offer them opportunities to explore ideas with each other.

“Debbie decided that Phil probably did have hidden depths, but this wasn’t them. The romance, which had blossomed entirely inside her own head, faded. No one knew about it but her, and it all happened in less than five minutes.”

Debbie’s musings on Phil’s character reiterate her habit of comparing herself to others as she searches for an authentic identity. She is watching Phil engage in conversation with Lenny, and imagining who he really is. In one moment, she imagines being intimate with Phil. The thought experiment doesn’t stick, but it shows how interpersonal dynamics are impacting Debbie’s self-regard.

“She liked Debbie. The girl had a spark. She kept it under a bushel most of the time, but Louise Bruning could spot it. She would like to fan the little spark. She thought it would be a good idea to set the bushel on fire and burn it right up. The world had enough sheep in it already.”

Mrs. Bruning’s internal monologue about Debbie provides insight into Debbie’s character. The narrator most often inhabits Debbie’s consciousness throughout the novel, thus filtering the narrative world through how she sees herself. In this scene, Mrs. Bruning’s thoughts challenge Debbie’s self-doubts. Mrs. Bruning sees Debbie for her power, potential, and possibility, instead of for her insecurities. The passage thus foreshadows how Debbie will change as she comes of age.

“And still nothing was happening. Her face was hot, her skin was hot all over, and she felt trembly. This had been a really huge mistake. It was going to be a disaster. But she could stop the car. She could always just stop.”

The narrator’s use of figurative language and repetition enacts Debbie’s physiological experience in this tense scene. Debbie is trying to rush Mrs. Bruning and Peter to the hospital. Diction like “hot,” “trembly,” “huge,” and “disaster” affect an anxious mood, which mirrors Debbie’s state of mind. She is determined to help her friends and panics when she fears she’ll fail them.

“He saw that they were holding hands. Also in his montage of awarenesses, he imagined how he must look, all sweated up from dancing and with a pastry the size of a hubcap dangling from his solitary mouth. He thought of how he disliked Dan Persik. And how he liked Meadow, a lot.”

Hector’s internal monologue in this scene at the Seldem Days fair provides insight into his insecurity. Hector has feelings for Meadow but feels ashamed and jealous whenever he sees her with Dan. Hector can’t help comparing himself to Dan. Whereas Dan is fit and athletic, Hector feels like a child. The references to “sweating,” “dancing,” and the pastry “dangling” from his mouth convey notions of immaturity and silliness—which is how Hector feels as he tries navigating these new emotions.

“What they decided was to go to the bus station, get on the first bus that came through, and get off at the next place it stopped, no matter where it was. They would spend a few hours there, then come back. It was an experiment.”

Debbie and Peter’s decision to visit New Bridge captures their desire to escape their mundane realities and to exercise agency over their own lives. They not only want to get out of Seldem for the day but want to explore the world on their own terms. This moment underscores the novel’s overarching notion that new experiences and places contribute to the adolescent self-discovery journey.

“Debbie wondered if it was true that there was only one person in the world for every person, and if she had already met him, and she either had to find a way to be around him again someday or always be alone. Romance-wise. She didn’t quite believe this.”

Debbie’s reflections on her relationship with Peter convey how this connection has affected her self-regard. Debbie isn’t sure if she’ll ever see Peter again, but she is able to recognize the value of the time they spent together. Peter let her experience something new—both interpersonally and emotionally—and she will carry these lessons with her into the rest of her life.

“But then something did. Something good and mysterious. It’s hard to explain why, but she started to laugh. She laughed at her fierce naked self, frowning into the mirror. And she liked the girl who was laughing.”

The image of Debbie standing in the mirror, studying her naked reflection, and laughing captures how she has changed. Debbie is still exploring and discovering herself, but in this moment, she’s coming to terms with this ongoing journey. The diction “good,” “mysterious,” “laugh,” and “fierce” enacts the excitement Debbie feels in claiming her raw, authentic identity without fear or shame.

“I think it’s sad and pathetic that Becky feels like it’s so important to have a boyfriend that she makes one up. […] But, at the same time, I think there’s something noble, something about love in how [everyone goes] along with her. They give her dignity of some kind.”

Rowanne’s musings on love and relationships offer Debbie insight into her own Search for Meaning and Understanding. Rowanne implies that having a boyfriend isn’t necessary to being oneself. This lesson helps Debbie to reconcile with her own unrequited feelings for Peter. Further, Rowanne is assuming the role of the archetypal guide by offering Debbie vital life lessons.