Dear Girls

Written as a series of letters to her daughters, Mari and Nikki, comedian Ali Wong's memoir blends autobiography, parenting advice, and career reflection. Wong frames the book as inspired by a letter her father, Adolphus Wong, left in a sealed envelope before he died of cancer, telling her he loved her and promising she would have a great life. She wishes he had written more about himself and sets out to leave her daughters a fuller account of who she is, instructing them not to read it until they are over twenty-one.

In the preface, Wong confesses that signing a book deal after her Netflix special Baby Cobra triggered panic because she feared exposing what she considers a defining secret: She regards herself as unintelligent, citing her guess that the distance to the moon was five billion miles during a trivia quiz while on the writing staff of the ABC sitcom Fresh Off the Boat. After author and showrunner Sarah Dunn advises her to accept that she is not a genius, Wong embraces her identity as a comedian who writes in accessible, irreverent language rather than literary prose.

The opening chapter recounts Wong's discouraging dating life in New York City before she met her husband, Justin Hakuta. She describes failed sexual encounters, a lonely first year performing unpaid stand-up on her birthday without telling anyone, and a deep craving for companionship. At a wedding in Napa, California, she noticed the only other Asian person in attendance: Hakuta, a friend of the groom. Their first lunch date went poorly, but a second date at a Japanese teahouse revealed a deeper connection when they discovered a shared fantasy superpower: the ability to speak every language. On their fifth date, Hakuta kissed her on her SoHo apartment stoop, a moment Wong describes as magical. Years later, he proposed on the same stoop.

Wong devotes significant attention to becoming a mother. Her parents were much older when she was born, her mother forty-two and her father forty-seven, which left her always afraid they would die. She wanted her own children early and close in age. At thirty-one, she and Hakuta began trying to conceive. She became pregnant quickly but miscarried at eleven weeks. Three months later, she became pregnant with Mari. At thirty weeks, she was diagnosed with intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), a condition in which insufficient blood flow through the umbilical cord prevents the baby from growing adequately. At thirty-seven weeks, Wong opted for a C-section after dilating only half a centimeter in twenty-four hours of induction. Her incision became infected twice, and Hakuta handled nighttime feedings during paternity leave. A second C-section with Nikki went more smoothly.

Wong recounts deciding to return to work after she discovered that stay-at-home motherhood bore no resemblance to her idealized vision. The documentary Jiro Dreams of Sushi crystallized her thinking: She noticed that the legendary sushi chef's wife was never mentioned and resolved not to become the invisible spouse supporting someone else's legacy. Financial necessity also drove her back. Hakuta's family had required her to sign a prenuptial agreement, meaning that if she left the workforce and they divorced, she would have no safety net. Wong credits the prenup as one of the greatest catalysts for her career, though she acknowledges constant guilt, recounting a moment when three-year-old Mari responded to "I missed you so much" with a cold "No, you didn't."

Wong traces her stand-up career from San Francisco open mics to national touring. She describes performing at the Brainwash Café, an open mic run by Tony Sparks, who told her after her first set, "You gonna be famous." She spent months earning a spot at the San Francisco Punch Line Comedy Club, bombed her first audition, then succeeded and eventually hosted for major comedians including Dave Chappelle and Patrice O'Neal. She co-created a variety show with fellow comedian Chris Garcia, who became a close friend. The grinding realities of touring included a smoking club in St. Louis, a headliner in Sacramento who refused to acknowledge her, and bombing in Atlanta after being introduced with racist stereotypes. Touring while pregnant brought severe fatigue and nausea, and touring as a mother once meant peeing into her daughter's diapers while stuck in traffic with her mother and Mari in the car.

Wong also recounts formative study-abroad experiences. At the University of Hawai'i, she studied Native Hawaiian sovereignty and was influenced by activist Haunani-Kay Trask, whose combination of strength, humor, and femininity shaped Wong's performance style. She then studied in Hanoi, Vietnam, motivated by a desire to connect with her mother's culture. Wong had grown up disproportionately Chinese American because her father dominated the household's cultural identity and dismissed Vietnamese traditions. In Vietnam, she immersed herself in street food and developed a relationship with Hai, a Vietnamese American fellow student. Though the relationship ended after the program, they remained close friends who supported each other through Wong's miscarriage and her father's death. Visiting Vietnam with her mother proved revelatory: Wong witnessed her mother become a confident extrovert when speaking her native language, which deepened Wong's appreciation for what her mother endured after immigrating, including people yelling slurs at her in the United States.

A chapter on parenting realities describes how becoming a mother dissolved Wong's longstanding resentment toward her own mother. Before having children, Wong blamed her mother for inattentive parenting, but the relentless demands of motherhood gave her new perspective. Her mother traveled to Los Angeles whenever asked, changing diapers, cooking meals, and caring for Nikki through the night when both Wong and Hakuta had food poisoning. Wong concludes that the most important part of parenting is simply being present, and her mother always was.

A chapter on Wong's brother Andrew portrays him as the family's lovable eccentric who gave her the Eddie Murphy: Delirious cassette tape in second grade, sparking her interest in comedy. Andrew's history of trouble, including a diagnosis of manic-depressive disorder in high school, lowered their parents' expectations so dramatically that Wong was free to pursue whatever she wanted. Despite his eccentricities, Wong emphasizes his deep loyalty: He hosted their father's funeral and has been a companion to their mother ever since.

Wong addresses her least favorite question, what it is like to be an Asian American woman in Hollywood, with frustration. She resents having her identity reduced to race and gender and reflects on the advantages of growing up in San Francisco and attending UCLA, environments rich with Asian Americans in creative fields, which gave her pride rather than a scarcity mindset. She advises young Asian Americans to define themselves beyond race and to focus on craft rather than outcomes.

Wong describes her no-frills wedding: a fifteen-dollar registration fee at San Francisco City Hall, immediate family only, and a Cantonese banquet at R & G Lounge where every guest gave a speech. A closing chapter confesses to teenage rebellion, including smoking at eleven, shoplifting, and intense conflict with her mother. Wong expresses hope that her relationship with her own daughters will be better, noting that they share a first language and cultural touchstones her mother never had.

In an afterword, Justin Hakuta addresses Mari and Nikki directly. He describes growing up in Washington, D.C., as the middle of three boys raised on Japanese and Filipino culture. His father, Ken Hakuta, achieved fame as "Dr. Fad" by selling over two hundred million Wacky Wallwalker rubber toys and hosting a children's invention show, making him one of the few Asian American faces on television in the 1980s. Justin credits watching his father defy racial norms with teaching him that creative possibility was limitless. In fall 2018, he left his VP role at a tech company to support the family full-time, coming to terms with a role reversal after Wong joked in her special Hard Knock Wife that she earned far more than him. He closes by telling his daughters they need not be famous but must remember their heritage, and calls fatherhood his greatest job.