Death Row

Talia recaps a day in the life of a death row inmate, asserting that being on death row is possibly “worse than death” (7). The worst part of death row is the seclusion. While at first it may seem better to be kept out of “gen pop” (7), Talia argues that the isolation she experiences is worse than even the potential of experiencing violence at the hands of other incarcerated people.

She spends 23 hours a day in her cell, which is about the size of a parking space. She has a small, uncomfortable bed, a desk, a toilet and sink, and a palm-sized window that she needs to climb onto her bed to see out of.

Talia rarely receives visitors, and so the only people she interacts with are her guards, with whom she has stilted and narrow conversations. She can sometimes see her lawyer, Clarence Bowman, in person as well.

When she is allowed to briefly leave her cell, Talia is shackled as if she is a “wild animal” (8) poised for escape. Food is delivered at precise intervals, and Talia receives her dinner, which indicates that it is 4:30 p.m. The smell of the limp fish patty and canned green beans she receives puts her off eating entirely, and Talia remembers that the state pays less than 50 cents per meal for each incarcerated individual.

She again thinks of her husband, Noel, who would not have taken issue with the smell of the food because he lost his sense of smell entirely after a rough tackle during a football game in his youth. Talia thinks longingly about fast food, wondering if she can request a McDonald’s Big Mac for her final meal.

Talia remembers that tomorrow she is scheduled to meet with her attorney about her appeal. While Bowman usually calls, the in-person meeting request means that the information he has to share is important. Talia admits that she is “naively hopeful” (9) about the appeal, wondering again how anyone could think that she would kill the love of her life, especially because she had an alibi for his murder. Talia closes the chapter thinking about how much she misses Noel.

While working at her job as a diner server, Talia sees the woman her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with enter and sit in her section of tables. Still hurting from the betrayal of a relationship she thought “might stick” (11), Talia decides to spit in her drink, taking her bit of revenge even though she does not expect to win Franklin back.

As she spits into the drink, another waiter catches her. Talia groans, thinking that she is “the worst criminal ever” (11) and admits to the offense. She realizes that the speaker is the new waiter, a fellow graduate student with a bump on his nose from a previous break, looking to supplement his teaching stipend with waiting tables. Talia is surprised when, instead of telling the manager, the boy instructs her how to lob a larger piece of phlegm into the drink.

They spend the next few minutes spitting into the woman’s drink, and Talia finds herself giving the boy her first real smile in weeks. She thanks him, and he reminds her that his name is Noel Kemper. He asks her who the recipient of the drink is, and she explains. Noel asks Talia if she wants to get a drink after work, and Talia agrees, sensing something special about Noel.

Noel tells her that there is something she needs to do before they go: “Wake up” (13), which reveals the scene to have been nothing but a dream.

Talia wakes to a pounding heart and a vague beeping sound from somewhere in the prison that reminds her of her home alarm clock. Still coming out of the dream, she almost expects to see Noel turn off the alarm and stumble sleepily to the bathroom. Only then does she remember that she is in her isolated prison cell and that Noel is only still alive “in [her] dreams” (14). Her nightly dreams seem to be getting more vivid, almost as if Noel is really there with her.

She pulls the thin blanket over herself, thinking about how in a few hours she is set to meet with Bowman and learn about the fate of her appeal. Although she technically has unlimited appeals as a death row inmate, Talia admits that she is tired of the cycle of appeals and worries about what she will do if this one fails, too.

Talia notices a scratching noise from the corner of her cell. A rat reveals itself, scurrying over to the edge of her bed. She contemplates trying to tame the rat like a pet, going as far as to give it the moniker “Pat the Rat” (16), but when the rat climbs onto her bed, Talia screams, sending the rat scampering to its hiding spot.

The guard on watch asks Talia if she is injured, and she does not bother to tell the guard about the rat, not wanting them to exterminate it. She tells the guard that it was only a bad dream and soon falls asleep.

Talia asks Noel, who emerges from the shower, whether he has called the Vineyard to secure the location for their wedding date. Noel promises that he is going to do it soon, and Talia tells him that it is too late, as she looked into it and they have lost the spot to another couple named Maria and Albert.

Noel apologizes, which softens Talia toward him as she remembers that all she wants is to marry Noel. Talia assures Noel that she will fix this, picking up her phone and telling him that the venue is going to receive an unexpected cancellation for June 1st. Noel is aghast that Talia plans to pretend to be Maria on the phone, asking if she plans to lie to secure the venue and reminding her that “lying is objectively wrong” (19). Not caring, Talia turns to type in the venue’s number, but Noel grabs the phone from her hand, telling her that she is an unconvincing actor. Instead, he says that he will call and pretend to be Albert.

She smiles at her fiancée, but as she does, an “uneasy” (20) feeling comes over her, and she realizes that the entire interaction feels somehow off or unreal. Trying to reassure herself that it is just the stress getting to her, Talia leans in to kiss Noel, but before their lips meet, she wakes up in her prison cell.

Talia admits that she does not regularly receive visitors, as her best friend, Kinsey, has only come a few times. Talia knows that her parents would have visited her, but both are dead. Her father died when Talia was a teenager while in bed with another woman—an event that had a significant impact on Talia’s ability to trust men. Her mother died a few years later of cancer. Watching her mother’s drawn-out death convinced Talia to sign an “advanced directive” (22) to end her life should she ever find herself in a similar position. Talia also thinks that Noel would visit her, knowing that if Noel were alive, she would not be in this position in the first place.

Talia leans against the wall with her hands steadying her, waiting for her favorite guard, Rhea, to enter the cell and shackle her wrists and ankles as well as perform a pat-down. She is relieved to hear Rhea promise to be quick with the pat-down, knowing that male guards are usually not as gentle.

As Talia and Rhea walk to the visiting area, Talia once more hears the distant beeping sound from somewhere inside the prison. It grows louder before quieting altogether. When they reach the visiting area, Talia sits on the other side of the glass partition meant to keep her separated from the visitor, noting that her attorney is not smiling.

Bowman tells Talia that the courts denied her appeal once again. The news hits Talia like “a punch in the gut” (24), and she asks Bowman how this could happen, reminding him that she has an alibi for the night of Noel’s death. In turn, Bowman reminds Talia that the prosecution was able to convince the jury that Talia set up the explosion that resulted in Noel’s death ahead of time.

Talia asks for another appeal, citing her ability to access unlimited appeals as a death row inmate, but Bowman tells her that there is no hope for her case. He advises her to “let go” rather than “drag it out” (24). Talia is about to argue before remembering that she does not really have a life anymore outside of these prison walls, especially now that Noel is dead.

Talia tells Bowman that she does not want to pursue another appeal, and Bowman tells her that he thinks she is making the right choice. Talia’s fate sinks in, and all she feels is numb. As Talia turns away to head back to her cell, the figure of another male visitor stops her. She takes in his appearance, down to the bump on the bridge of his nose, and stops Rhea, asking who the man is. Rhea ignores her, pulling Talia along, but as they exit, the man’s eyes lock with Talia’s, and she realizes that the man is Noel.