Deep End

“It had meant so much to me, back in the fall of freshman year. Everything was new and raw and big, but Penelope Ross, world and Pan Am medalist, NCAA champion, held my hand and told me that she felt like I did.”

Scarlett’s friendship with Pen facilitates her Journey Toward Growth, Healing, and Self-Empowerment. Scarlett has relied on Pen since “the fall of freshman year,” because Pen was there for her when she got the twisties and injured herself. Pen assumes the role of her confidante, mentor, and friend—teaching Scarlett that it’s okay to show weakness and ask for help. This passage—found near the novel’s start—captures how Scarlett and Pen’s friendship will grant Scarlett stability throughout the novel.

“What I like to tell myself and whoever asks—Barb, mostly—is that I’m too busy and career driven to date. But my celibate phase has been going on so long, I’m not sure it’s voluntary anymore, and I’d rather not mention that after what happened with my dad, men can be unsettling to be around.”

Scarlett’s complicated feelings about sex at the novel’s start signal the ways in which her sexual desire is impacted by her emotional, physical, and psychological experiences. Scarlett has tried to convince herself that school and work preclude her from pursuing relationships, but this moment of interiority reveals otherwise. Scarlett wants to have new sexual experiences but has yet to process her past trauma—a personal challenge she’ll have to overcome when she enters a sexual relationship with Lukas.

“I’m a good athlete. I’ve TiVoed my dives enough times to know that. My body is strong and healthy at last. My mind…My mind hates me, sometimes. Especially when I’m on a platform, ten meters above the rest of my life.”

Scarlett’s view of diving introduces the novel’s thematic engagement with Competitive Sports as a Metaphor for Personal Challenges. Scarlett feels like a failure in “the rest of [her] life” because she hasn’t been able to perform well in the pool. She sees diving as an extension of herself, but she’s also failing to acknowledge the interconnection between her body and mind. Although she’s healed physically from her injuries, she can’t do well in diving because she has yet to confront her emotional unrest around the psychological trauma she experienced.

“I did some research. It appears that lost move syndrome is a typical phenomenon in athletes. A sudden inability to perform a skill you had previously mastered. […] Does this description match what you are experiencing?”

Hazelwood uses Sam’s character as a narrative device to provide insight into the specifics of diving as a sport and chronicle Scarlett’s personal growth. Because Sam isn’t familiar with the intricacies of diving, she has to research Scarlett’s sport and ask her questions about what she’s going through. Sam’s dialogue allows Hazelwood to teach the reader about Scarlett’s athletic practice in an organic way—Scarlett is so intimate with the sport that she otherwise wouldn’t think about or articulate her dives, practices, and injuries in such a technical manner. A moment like this one orients readers in Scarlett’s world and immerses them in her experience.

“It might seem a bit out of character, given my…proclivities, but I really don’t like people who order me around with no authority to do so. There’s something about Lukas’s serious no-nonsense tone, though, that works on me like the opposite of a red flag. So I go for it and take a step closer. His scent envelops me, soap and chlorine and something warm.”

Here, Scarlett’s internal monologue introduces the novel’s Exploration of BDSM Within Consensual Relationships. Scarlett’s experience provides insight into her BDSM parameters—she enjoys playing the submissive role in the context of sex, but this inclination doesn’t extend into the other arenas of her life. In this moment, she’s seeking a balance between her desire for control and her desire to be led. With Lukas, she feels comfortable enough to toy with these power dynamics, because there’s “something warm” about his presence that she can trust.

“Being a good athlete, a good student, reaching for perfect—those were the building blocks of me. Now that I’m struggling with almost everything, do I still have a fully fleshed identity? Or am I just an assembly of meat pieces, to be sold separately on clearance?”

This passage contributes to the novel’s thematic emphasis on competitive sports as a metaphor for personal challenges. Scarlett defines herself according to her athletic life. When her diving slips, she feels as if every other aspect of her identity is also faltering. In this scene, she questions who she is because she’s still overcoming her challenges both inside and outside the context of the pool. She wants to feel like “a fully fleshed” person again but worries that she’s just “an assembly of meat pieces”—an image that conjures notions of inanimation and powerlessness.

“‘I know, but…’ But? My mouth hovers open for a few seconds and snaps shut. I glare at Sam, tight-lipped. Ambushed, like I’m some born-yesterday brothers Grimm orphan, led to a slaughterhouse by a trail of stale breadcrumbs. ‘I don’t dive in constant fear of injury,’ I say firmly, knowing it to be true.”

Scarlett’s physical and mental response to Sam’s questions in therapy captures the work she still has to do on her journey toward growth, healing, and self-empowerment. As she stutters out a response to Sam, her “mouth hovers open” and “snaps shut,” and she holds her face in a tight position. She also likens her emotional discomfort to being “ambushed” and “led to a slaughterhouse.” Her body language, use of metaphor, and figurative language enact her fear and unease—revealing her reluctance to confront and own her trauma.

“He gives me all the time I need, and when I stare in helpless silence, he’s true to his word. There is a moment of twitching tension, but it fades immediately. His smile is warm. ‘I’ll see you around, Scarlett.’ Then he’s gone, padding away barefoot, as confident as when he arrived.”

Scarlett and Lukas’s intimate exchange sets the parameters for their sexual relationship. Lukas doesn’t pressure Scarlett into agreeing to have sex with him, but instead “gives [her] all the time [she] need[s]” to answer his invitation. When she remains silent, he doesn’t get upset but lets the issue go as he’s promised. His behavior shows that he respects Scarlett and assures her that she can trust him when she does later change her mind about their relationship.

“It takes me two days to go through the list. I’d love to say that it’s because some of the items are things I’ve never heard of and require a large amount of research, but there are only a handful I’m not already familiar with. […] The reason I spend so long on each item is that they require an almost ridiculous amount of introspection.”

Scarlett’s approach to her BDSM checklist emphasizes the importance of trust, honesty, and self-empowerment in healthy sexual relationships. Scarlett doesn’t carelessly fill out her checklist even though she’s “already familiar with” most of the items on the list. Instead, she takes her time with each item. Her attentiveness to the list underscores the novel’s exploration of BDSM in consensual relationships by centering consent and intentionality—she isn't being coerced into doing things she doesn’t want to do or carelessly agreeing to things that would endanger her physically and/or emotionally. The passage also underscores the symbolic significance of her and Lukas’s lists as representative of consent.

“I move through the benches, remembering the feeling of being in a lab—my favorite part of organic chemistry. Working with compounds. Chromatography. Synthesizing aspirin. Follow experiment protocols, see what happened. I cannot wait to become a capable, badass, life-changing physician like Barb, but I hope I’ll get to do some research on the side.”

Scarlett’s detailed description of reentering the lab introduces an additional layer of her character. Scarlett identifies as a diver and is exploring a BDSM relationship, but these aren’t the sum of her as a person. She’s also passionate about science and medicine—fields that excite her senses and inspire her. This passage adds dimension to her characterization and shows how identity is built upon a complex and interconnected network of interests and passions.

“It’s my purpose in life. It won’t be one hour from now, and I had no clue I cared twenty minutes ago, but now—I want nothing as intensely as this. Fuck diving, fuck med school, fuck being a productive member of society.”

Scarlett’s internal monologue during her first sexual encounter with Lukas reveals its significance in her journey as a safe way for her to practice the freedom and self-trust that she struggles to recapture in her diving and academics. In this passage, Scarlett acknowledges that who she is and what she wants during sex are not the same as who she is and what she wants outside of sex. She’s able to distinguish these facets of her identity while also giving over control to Lukas in the moment, allowing her to let go of her “diving” and “med school” concerns to be present with Lukas and experience healthy pleasure—a critical step in her journey of personal growth.

“‘Lukas, I’m not sure what the protocol is.’ I’m unable and, frankly, unwilling, to be anything but honest. ‘We had sex, or—or whatever, and you didn’t call me back. I’m trying to take my cues from you, and I think you want to pretend it never happened? […] This is baby’s first ghosting, I’m going to need some direction,’ I add, just to lighten the mood.”

In this scene of dialogue, Scarlett uses a direct and familiar tone with Lukas to communicate her feelings. She notes that she’s unwilling “to be anything but honest” because she believes that BDSM relationships require openness and trust. In claiming her emotions, she is both advocating for herself and challenging Lukas to communicate his feelings, too. Her joke at the passage’s end softens her overarching message and shows that she cares for Lukas and isn’t directing anger at him.

“‘Scarlett.’ He waits until I’m looking him in the eye. ‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t immediately process what happened. I felt out of control, and panicked. I acted like an asshole. I put my own fear before your feelings, and that’s…the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever done, without a doubt.”

Lukas’s ability to humble himself and own his mistakes allows him to continue to build trust with Scarlett. He uses simple syntax and direct language—conversational techniques that enact his authenticity. He wants to foster a healthy, balanced relationship with Scarlett and is learning that to do so he has to be more open about his experience to avoid alienating her. This moment shows the characters working to build a consensual framework for their BDSM exploration.

“‘I’m sorry, Scarlett.’ It’s unprecedented. Destabilizing. In the past year of self-loathing, training, practicing, trying, failing, trying again, visualizing, exercising, catastrophizing, not catastrophizing, resenting, fearing, pretending, demanding…In the past year, being sorry is simply not something that I ever allowed myself. It just never occurred to me.”

Lukas’s gentleness with Scarlett encourages her to be gentle with herself. Scarlett is used to “resenting” herself, “demanding” too much of herself, and “pretending” that she’s okay even when she’s hurting. In this scene, Scarlett begins to realize that punishing herself is only hurting her mental health. This moment of interiority marks a turning point in her journey towards growth, healing, and self-empowerment, as she’s taking the first step toward confronting her trauma.

“But for the first time in what feels like a century, with Lukas standing in front of me, with the water ten meters underneath and the cold biting into my skin, diving seems fun again—and lifting my arms, bending my knees, taking off just high enough to manage a pike…It just works. Second nature. Like it used to be.”

Scarlett begins to face her fears and overcome her trauma when she performs the inward dive for the first time since her injury—a key moment in her character arc. Scarlett’s success in this scene helps her remember who she is and rediscover her love for diving. She isn’t stressed out about how or if she’ll be able to perform but rather remembers that diving can be fun. The author’s use of language in this passage emphasizes Scarlett’s simultaneous physical and emotional experience of the moment. The first elliptical sentence enacts her excitement and energy, while the latter three fragments enact her surprise and joy.

“But it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s not about what others think. What’s important is how I feel about my own mistakes, and that’s where I sense something new. I’m not as mortified as I used to be. I am…combative. Determined. Ready to be over this.”

Hazelwood uses fragmented sentences to capture Scarlett’s lucid stream of consciousness, revealing how her self-regard and outlook on life have begun to change. Instead of criticizing herself, Scarlett’s giving herself grace. She refuses to let her “own mistakes” undermine her self-worth and instead focuses on her competitive, determined, and confident nature. Her more positive tone in this passage highlights her new perspective.

“‘Whoa. Who are you and what have you done to my stepdaughter?’ I laugh. ‘There is a little bobblehead inside my skull. She looks just like my therapist and looooves to remind me that if I don’t redefine my concept of failure, I’ll die of acute ventricular tachycardia before turning twenty-five.’”

The lighthearted tone of Scarlett’s conversation with Barb underscores the changes and growth taking place in Scarlett. Barb is Scarlett’s only family. Knowing her intimately, she’s able to identify changes in Scarlett’s character and perspective. Scarlett attributes these changes to her work with her therapist. Because Sam is her archetypal guide, she helps Scarlett to reframe her life and herself—a positive shift in perspective that’s evident to Barb.

“I had an…issue. And I wanted to talk to you. But as it turns out, Vandy helped me through it, because she’s an amazing friend. And I don’t deserve her.”

Scarlett’s relationship with Pen gives her the opportunity to be strong for someone else. Throughout the novel, Scarlett often feels needy and weak because she’s struggling in diving and school. With Pen, however, she learns how to be supportive and caring. This friendship illustrates Scarlett’s loyalty and strength of character even when she’s doubting herself. Pen articulates how much Scarlett means to her in this scene of dialogue, which reinforces Scarlett’s belief in herself.

“You are both reserved. You get intense about the people you care about. You’re single-minded, and have a solid core of strength and self-confidence. You hide your sense of humor from most people, but are hilarious. And of course you’re both into […] sciencey-shit.”

Here, Hazelwood uses Pen’s perspective to articulate why Scarlett and Lukas’s relationship works. Pen, who knows them both well, notes their similarities and identifies the reasons for their compatibility succinctly. Pen’s point of view offers Scarlett perspective on her and Lukas’s developing connection and compels her to imagine pursuing a more defined relationship with him. This scene, in which Scarlett trusts Pen’s assessment of their dynamic and individual personalities, is a contrast to their later conflict in which Pen accuses Scarlett of stealing her boyfriend.

“With anyone else, I’d feel self-conscious about the small banality of my life, afraid of letting slip how uninteresting I am. But my sexual relationship with Lukas is so fundamentally based on brutal honesty about our wants and needs, it bleeds into every aspect of our interactions. Second-guessing my worth hardly ever occurs to me.”

While Scarlett and Lukas’s “sub” and “dom” roles during sex don’t extend to their life outside the bedroom, the trust they’ve built during sex does. Scarlett doesn’t feel ashamed of “the small banality” of her life because she knows that Lukas respects her no matter what she chooses to share with him. Because of this mutual respect and admiration, the two are able to connect in a multitude of contexts.

“When I started out the academic year, my dream was to qualify for the NCAA tournament. I’ll have done good if I manage, I told myself. And poorly if I don’t. I’m not sure I still believe that. In fact, I’m certain that I don’t need to qualify for anything to consider this year a success. The real NCAA qualification spot was the mental health we gained along the way.”

Scarlett’s transformed regard for the NCAA championship reifies her internal growth. She acknowledges how her view of the championship has shifted from the start of the year. Her growth is evident in the fact that she isn’t berating herself for what she once believed but is instead claiming the progress she’s made. Her thought processes in this moment affect a confident, resolved tone that reinforces her self-empowerment.

“I’m bursting, with…It has to be love. It’s expansive and all-consuming and full and joyous. Hungry. Thick. At once heavy and light. Everywhere and golden. It’s him and me and the myriad of little strings that tangle us together.”

Scarlett’s use of figurative language illustrates her positive emotional state as she realizes that she’s in love with Lukas for the first time. This revelation evokes “light,” “full,” “joyous,” and “golden” sensations. This vivid detail enlivens Scarlett’s narration and affects a buoyant mood. Life has become exciting, new, and full of possibilities since she’s fallen for Lukas because he’s helped enrich her experience and renew her outlook on herself.

“I glance at the rankings, and she’s right. I’m going to finish first. I need…a minute. To comprehend the enormity of it. […] I cannot wrap my head around it. The person I was two years ago. How alone I felt. Scared of being too much, of not being enough, of being imperfect. Surrounded by impossibles. And now I dove, and—”

Hazelwood utilizes a traditional trope of a sports romance—a climactic moment of triumphant redemption for an injured athlete—and imbues it with symbolic emotional and psychological significance. Winning the NCAA championship changes how Scarlett sees herself. Scarlett’s first place win represents both her gold medal performance and how she’s metaphorically overcome all the challenges she’s faced throughout the year. As she attempts to reconcile what she’s been through with what she’s accomplished in this passage, her internal monologue reiterates her renewed pride in herself.