Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

The Gottmans and the Abrams argue that honoring each other’s dreams serves as the secret ingredient for creating lasting love, positioning this support as equally critical to relationship success as trust, commitment, and intimacy. The authors present dreams as encompassing both practical aspirations—such as career goals or travel plans—and deeper psychological needs rooted in childhood experiences and personal identity.

The authors draw heavily from their own experiences, particularly John and Julie Gottman’s annual honeymoon discussions that led to major life decisions, including the creation of their research institute. This personal narrative reinforces their central thesis while providing concrete evidence of dream-sharing’s transformative power. Similarly, Doug and Rachel Abrams’s 31-year marriage exemplifies the “taking turns” approach, where partners alternate supporting each other’s dreams through significant sacrifices—from Doug’s year-long trip to Israel early in their relationship to Rachel’s career transitions and their mutual support through various entrepreneurial ventures.

This approach reflects contemporary relationship psychology’s emphasis on individual growth within partnership, building on decades of research about relationship satisfaction and personal fulfillment. However, the chapter’s examples mostly feature couples with significant economic flexibility. This context may limit the applicability of their advice to couples facing severe financial constraints or those without extensive support systems.

The authors introduce the concept of “deep dreams”—fundamental life purposes often rooted in childhood experiences—and provide a structured framework for identifying and categorizing personal aspirations. They emphasize that hiding dreams creates “gridlocked conflict” while sharing them builds intimacy and connection. The practical exercise involves ranking dreams by importance and preparing to discuss the stories behind each aspiration, transforming abstract desires into concrete conversation topics.

For Date 8, couples should complete the dream identification exercise beforehand, writing their three most important dreams in concentric circles (most important in the center, moderately important in the middle, least important in the outer ring). The location should inspire aspiration—ideally somewhere with a beautiful view. During the discussion, partners should avoid immediately jumping to practical concerns or dismissing dreams as unrealistic. Instead, they should ask open-ended questions about the childhood origins of dreams, their underlying meanings, and the emotional significance of each dream. The date concludes with a commitment to take one concrete action to support each other’s dreams within six months.

Chapter Lessons

• Supporting each other’s dreams deserves the same attention and commitment as other relationship fundamentals.
• Couples can achieve individual aspirations by alternating support and making temporary sacrifices.
• Concealing personal aspirations leads to “gridlocked conflict” and blocks intimacy, while sharing dreams—even impractical ones—strengthens connection and understanding between partners.
• Every aspiration contains an underlying narrative often rooted in childhood experiences, and understanding these stories helps partners provide more meaningful support than simply focusing on practical logistics.

Reflection Questions

• Which of your dreams have you avoided sharing with your partner due to practical concerns or fear of judgment? Consider how concealing these aspirations might be affecting your sense of fulfillment and connection in the relationship.
• How could you and your partner implement a “taking turns” approach to dream pursuit? Reflect on what sacrifices each of you might be willing to make temporarily to help the other achieve something personally meaningful.