Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

The Gottmans and the Abrams frame commitment as a daily choice, extending far beyond sexual fidelity to encompass consistent emotional presence and reliability. Through the story of Ben and Leah, college students who developed their relationship through brief daily conversations while sitting on the steps between classes, the authors illustrate how trust develops through small, consistent actions over time. Ben demonstrated reliability by consistently showing up for their brief talks before class and by noticing Leah’s needs—such as when she was cold, and he gave her his sweatshirt without asking for it back. These small but dependable gestures created the foundation for their lasting relationship and eventual engagement. This narrative demonstrates the authors’ central argument that commitment manifests in everyday moments of attention and follow-through rather than grand gestures.

The authors draw heavily on Dr. Shirley Glass’s research on infidelity, particularly her “windows and walls” framework (43), which has become influential in couples therapy since the early 2000s. According to this model, healthy relationships maintain protective boundaries (“walls”) around the couple while keeping communication completely open (“windows”) between the partners themselves. Affairs develop when individuals begin sharing intimate details (“opening windows”) with people outside the relationship while simultaneously becoming secretive (“building walls”) with their primary partner.