Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

The Gottmans and the Abrams present sexual intimacy as a cornerstone of lasting relationships, emphasizing that open communication about sex directly correlates with sexual satisfaction and frequency.

The authors challenge prevailing cultural myths about “normal” sexuality, arguing that healthy sexual relationships are defined by mutual comfort rather than external benchmarks. Drawing from extensive research, including a 70,000-person study across 24 countries, they establish that couples with fulfilling sex lives share specific behaviors: daily expressions of love, regular romantic gestures, physical affection outside the bedroom, and prioritized intimate time together.

The chapter addresses practical challenges that many couples face, particularly the impact of parenthood on intimacy. The authors cite UCLA research showing that dual-career couples with young children spend only 10% of their evening time alone together, averaging just 35 minutes of conversation weekly. Gender differences in sexual desire and initiation also receive significant attention, with the authors presenting research on how men and women typically approach sexuality differently. While this binary framework reflects the available research at the time of publication, it may feel somewhat limiting to readers who embrace more fluid understandings of gender. The authors acknowledge the lack of research on transgender couples, highlighting gaps in the existing literature that have since begun to be addressed by newer studies.