Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

The Gottmans and the Abrams present sexual intimacy as a cornerstone of lasting relationships, emphasizing that open communication about sex directly correlates with sexual satisfaction and frequency.

The authors challenge prevailing cultural myths about “normal” sexuality, arguing that healthy sexual relationships are defined by mutual comfort rather than external benchmarks. Drawing from extensive research, including a 70,000-person study across 24 countries, they establish that couples with fulfilling sex lives share specific behaviors: daily expressions of love, regular romantic gestures, physical affection outside the bedroom, and prioritized intimate time together.

The chapter addresses practical challenges that many couples face, particularly the impact of parenthood on intimacy. The authors cite UCLA research showing that dual-career couples with young children spend only 10% of their evening time alone together, averaging just 35 minutes of conversation weekly. Gender differences in sexual desire and initiation also receive significant attention, with the authors presenting research on how men and women typically approach sexuality differently. While this binary framework reflects the available research at the time of publication, it may feel somewhat limiting to readers who embrace more fluid understandings of gender. The authors acknowledge the lack of research on transgender couples, highlighting gaps in the existing literature that have since begun to be addressed by newer studies.

The chapter’s practical recommendations center on establishing regular habits that strengthen emotional and physical connection beyond sexual activity itself. Most notably, the authors advocate for a six-second-long, passionate kiss that couples should share every time they greet each other or say goodbye—a practice they argue creates chemical responses in the brain that enhance bonding and attraction. The authors also recommend maintaining positive daily interactions, suggesting that couples should aim for 20 positive exchanges (compliments, expressions of appreciation, attention to their partner’s needs) for every single negative one (criticism, eye-rolling, dismissive responses) to create an environment where intimacy can flourish.

The authors provide guidance for conducting Date 3, recommending couples create a romantic, intimate setting such as a candlelit dinner in a private location or even having the conversation while naked at home if privacy allows. They suggest physical preparation through activities like dancing or yoga to help partners connect with their bodies before the discussion. The date includes specific conversational prompts covering topics like favorite sexual experiences, turn-ons, preferred ways of initiation, and desires for sexual experimentation. Partners should focus on what they enjoy rather than expressing criticisms and should commit to concrete actions like implementing the six-second kiss ritual and discussing their sexual relationship regularly outside the bedroom.

Chapter Lessons

• Couples who can discuss their sexual preferences, desires, and concerns have more frequent sex, and women in these relationships experience more orgasms, making honest dialogue essential for physical intimacy.
• “Normal” sexuality is defined by mutual comfort, not external standards.
• Emotional connection and physical intimacy are interdependent: Men typically use sex to feel emotionally connected, while women usually need emotional connection to desire sex.
• Simple daily rituals like six-second passionate kisses, regular expressions of appreciation, and prioritizing romantic time together create the foundation for lasting sexual connection more effectively than complex techniques or grand gestures.

Reflection Questions

• How comfortable do you feel discussing your sexual preferences and desires with your partner, and what specific barriers might be preventing more open communication about intimacy in your relationship?
• How could you better support each other’s emotional and physical needs to create an environment where intimacy can flourish naturally?