Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

The Gottmans and the Abrams emphasize that defining family is a deeply personal decision that extends far beyond traditional nuclear family structures. Modern families can include biological children, stepchildren, adopted children, foster children, no children at all, extended family members, close friends, or even pets. The authors stress that family should be defined as wherever one feels love, belonging, and a sense of home. However, they identify the decision to have children as potentially relationship-defining, warning that entering marriage while hoping to change a partner’s mind about having children is a recipe for disaster.

Through the case study of engaged couple Jamal and Luciana, the authors illustrate how partners can navigate disagreements about family size while maintaining flexibility and humor. Jamal, who grew up in a large family where attention was scarce, wants only one child, while Luciana, who experienced a well-organized household with three siblings, envisions having three children. Their ability to compromise and remain open to changing their minds demonstrates healthy relationship dynamics around family planning.

The authors present sobering financial realities about raising children, citing statistics that show middle-income families spend approximately $233,610 to raise one child through age 17, not including college costs. For higher-income families, this figure jumps to over $400,000 per child.

A central theme of the chapter addresses the controversial idea that romantic relationships should remain the primary focus even after children arrive. The authors reference celebrity couple Giuliana and Bill Rancic and writer Ayelet Waldman, who faced public criticism for prioritizing their marriages over their children. This perspective challenges conventional parenting wisdom but aligns with research showing that strong parental relationships provide children with greater security and stability.

The authors present compelling research about the “U-shaped curve” of marital satisfaction, originally identified by sociologist Ernest Burgess in the 1930s. John Gottman’s longitudinal studies revealed that approximately two-thirds of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction after having their first child, with additional declines following subsequent children. However, one-third of couples maintain their relationship happiness, and Gottman’s research identified key factors that predict which couples will avoid this decline: respectful male partners who accept their wives’ influence, active involvement during pregnancy and childcare, low conflict levels, and maintained sexual intimacy.

The chapter concludes with practical guidance for conducting Date 5, which focuses on family discussions. The authors recommend visiting locations where families gather, such as parks, playgrounds, or family-friendly restaurants, to provide visual inspiration for conversations about future family goals. They suggest couples discuss their ideal family structure, reflect on how their own parents maintained or failed to maintain intimacy after having children. Couples are invited to consider potential challenges to maintaining their relationship if they choose to have children. Couples who are not planning to have children can focus their discussions on creating chosen family with friends and relatives.

Chapter Lessons

• One’s definition of “family” should be personalized and can include various combinations of children, relatives, friends, and pets. However, both partners must agree on whether they want biological children, as this decision can be relationship-defining.
• Maintaining the primary romantic relationship after having children requires intentional effort, including equal parental involvement, continued intimacy, and conflict management.
• Financial planning for children is essential, as raising a child involves significant costs.
• Partners who prioritize their marriage while parenting often provide greater security for their children than those who completely shift focus to child-centered relationships.

Reflection Questions

• How do you define family beyond traditional structures, and what specific elements—whether children, extended family, friends, or chosen family—do you envision as essential components of your future family life with your partner?
• Considering the research on marital satisfaction declining after having children, what specific strategies could you and your partner implement now to maintain intimacy and connection if you decide to have children?