Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

The Gottmans and the Abrams emphasize that defining family is a deeply personal decision that extends far beyond traditional nuclear family structures. Modern families can include biological children, stepchildren, adopted children, foster children, no children at all, extended family members, close friends, or even pets. The authors stress that family should be defined as wherever one feels love, belonging, and a sense of home. However, they identify the decision to have children as potentially relationship-defining, warning that entering marriage while hoping to change a partner’s mind about having children is a recipe for disaster.

Through the case study of engaged couple Jamal and Luciana, the authors illustrate how partners can navigate disagreements about family size while maintaining flexibility and humor. Jamal, who grew up in a large family where attention was scarce, wants only one child, while Luciana, who experienced a well-organized household with three siblings, envisions having three children. Their ability to compromise and remain open to changing their minds demonstrates healthy relationship dynamics around family planning.

The authors present sobering financial realities about raising children, citing statistics that show middle-income families spend approximately $233,610 to raise one child through age 17, not including college costs. For higher-income families, this figure jumps to over $400,000 per child.