“Some people believe you have to look into a person’s eyes to know what they’re feeling, but I think you can tell more from what they do with their hands.”

Ellen sometimes has difficulty distinguishing jokes from serious statements, and she also sometimes has trouble discerning how people are feeling, but she finds that she can reliably gauge emotions by the way people move their hands. For example, she sees how Abba clenches his fists when he is stressed or how Laurel talks with her hands when she is excited. Her focus on hands rather than on facial expressions is also designed to be a subtle indicator of one way in which her autism informs her perception of the world.

“I don’t believe in destiny—not really—but I’ve always liked patterns and I see one here immediately. We’re in Señor L’s Spanish Class in Barcelona, staying at the same hotel as a girl named Meritxell.”

Ellen looks for patterns in her life because they are reliable and predictable, and even when they are proven to be entirely arbitrary—as in this example—they allow her to comfort herself by imposing a sense of order on a chaotic world. Sometimes, however, Ellen takes this thinking too far, and in this case, she immediately assumes that she is meant to get to know Meritxell. As it turns out, Meritxell is somewhat aloof and arrogant, and she does not become a good friend to Ellen.

“No matter what Dr. Talia says about coping strategies and control, Time is a category that makes me feel helpless.”

In this passage, the word “Time” is capitalized and italicized for emphasis because Ellen often feels that time is one thing she has no control over. One manifestation of her autism is that she dislikes rapid change and finds it difficult to adjust in such instances. As the days go by, Ellen and Laurel seem to be drifting further and further apart, and Ellen struggles with the fact that nothing she does is going to stop this process.

“There’s a category for pronouns in my dot diary, a page I created when I started taking Spanish. It’s got entries for English and Spanish, plus Hebrew. But each entry only has two sets of words: one for boys, the other for girls.”

After meeting Isa for the first time, Ellen’s perception of the boy/girl categories is forced to shift, given that Isa identifies as nonbinary and does not fit neatly into either category. Ellen has never met someone like Isa before, and she is used to being able to fit everything into neatly organized lists. In this moment, Isa challenges Ellen’s worldview, and her positive influence becomes a major part of helping Ellen with Accepting the Unpredictability of Life.

“Everyone’s looking at me now. Pulse racing, I clamp my mouth shut. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a thumbs-up from Isa.”

Being around Isa inspires Ellen to speak up more often, and this new bond also gives her confidence because Isa accepts Ellen as she is and patiently teaches her a broader view of the world. When Gibs assumes that Isa knows Spanish because Isa’s last name is Martinez, Ellen helps to defend Isa by admitting that although her own last name is German, she doesn’t speak this language at all. By crafting moments in which the characters challenge common assumptions, A.J. Sass further explores the theme of Embracing Self-Discovery and Freedom of Expression.

“Dr. Talia calls it stimming whenever I rock my body, flap my hands, or focus on something shiny. It’s a way of centering myself.”

In this passage, Ellen explains why people with autism might engage in soothing behaviors when they feel stressed. Ellen’s experiences of autism are unique to her, but the strategy of stimming can also be applied more broadly, for although people with autism have many different stimming behaviors, they tend to serve similar purposes.

“I blink awake to a mostly dark room. A sliver of light divides it in two.”

Several chapters begin with Ellen either lying awake in bed or waking up in the morning. This quiet time and space allows Ellen to reflect on her day and consider how she can improve her own situation and that of her friends. Her periods of reflection also emphasize that she and Laurel are drifting apart, and in this scene, the light coming in through the window as the sun rises acts as a metaphorical divide between the two girls.

“They’re everywhere. Tall chimneys. Wide chimneys. Glass mosaics cover some, while others are carved out of off-white stone. Their tops look like helmets, the vents like narrowed eyes.”

La Pedrera is widely considered to be one of the most unusual buildings in Barcelona, and it is also hailed as one of Gaudi’s masterpieces. On its exterior, the building takes on an almost grotesque appearance, but its interior allows for a unique interplay of light and stone. Its roof is covered with several oddly shaped chimneys, each of which has a distinctive design. Gaudi’s architecture is a celebration of the unusual, and his buildings therefore serve as metaphors to advance the importance of Embracing Self-Discovery and Freedom of Expression.

“The thin strip of light feels like a barrier this morning, separating me from Laurel. I slide out of bed to close the curtains.”

With each passing day, Laurel and Ellen become more and more distant from one another, and in this new awkward context, Ellen realizes that waking up in such close physical proximity to Laurel is just a constant reminder of their new emotional distance. Ellen is extremely observant and takes in the details of her world with serious precision, and she sees greater significance in small things, such as the strip of light that metaphorically divides the room and separates her from Laurel. To Ellen, this visual is a real-life symbol of the pain that she is experiencing.

“Excitement surges through me. It makes sense when Isa explains it like this. Now I have a new dot diary list to put under my pronouns category.”

Isa is helpful and patient when it comes to answering Ellen’s questions about gender and identity. They don’t judge Ellen for not knowing these things; instead, they are open to Ellen’s queries and are willing to help her learn. Ellen realizes that her original view of gender fails to include people like Isa, so she has to adjust her categories to create a new one for those who fall outside the binary.

“Buildings tower over a square framed by tour buses as we exit the subway station. Sunlight sparkles off water flowing from fountains.”

Every destination that Ellen and her team visits is full of sights and sounds that come together to create a new experience. Ellen is able to handle chaotic situations when she prepares for them, but she was not expecting the level of energy today. Thus, while this passage may appear to be a moment of beautiful imagery, it is actually a precursor to the sensory overload that Ellen is about to experience.

“Sounds roar like a music scale

sung three octaves too high

completely off tune.”

When Ellen’s sensory overload becomes too much to bear, she sometimes retreats into her mind in what is commonly known as a “shutdown.” This passage describes her inner reality during such challenging moments, and the poetic format creates the sense of a dreamlike state, replicating the dissociation that Ellen experiences during these highly stressful situations.

“Suddenly, my world tilts. What if Andy and Isa don’t come? What if they picked a different place to hang out and didn’t tell me?”

A few minutes past the time that she is supposed to meet Andy and Isa in the garden, Ellen begins catastrophizing and assuming the worst. These harmful thought processes cause Ellen to fall into a panicked state, and she falls into the trap of imagining unrealistic and unnecessary concerns. In this instance, Ellen thinks that because she delayed the scavenger hunt, her team has abandoned her.

“Now might be a good time to share that I think Meritxell is cute the same way Andy likes Xavi. But I still remember how Laurel’s friends reacted the first night at dinner.”

When Ellen first comes out to Laurel and her friends, she does not even realize the full significance of what she is doing, because she never thinks that she might be judged for liking girls instead of boys. When she casually mentions her belief that Meritxell is cute, and the girls react as though they have just heard something awful and strange. As a result, Ellen hesitates to share that information again, and the author uses these interactions to suggest that Ellen’s experience is a common one among LGBTQIA+ youth.

“A morning with Isa. That’s something I can handle.”

After several days of overwhelming experiences, Ellen looks forward to a quiet morning with Isa in which they can just talk and get to know one another. Ellen is not yet fully aware of the fact that she has a crush on Isa, but this revelation unfolds over the coming days as the two spend more time together. In this way, Ellen’s friendship with Isa helps her to progress in Embracing Self-Discovery and Freedom of Expression.

“It felt good going back to La Rambla this morning. My headphones kept the noise manageable, and it helped knowing all the side streets led back to La Rambla.”

Ellen goes with her team and returns to the same place in which she had a panic attack the day before. This time, however, Ellen is prepared, and she is trying her best to accept The Unpredictability of Life. The trip has not gone as she planned in any sense, and Ellen has been forced to develop new skills in adaptation and make quick adjustments to change: something that she once feared doing.

“If clothes don’t make you a boy or girl, what does? Hair? Makeup? And how do you know if you’re nonbinary?”

In this scene, Ellen struggles to expand her worldview as she reflects on the gender spectrum and wonders how it might apply to her own life. Isa has taught her a great deal about different identities, and their conversations have caused her to start reflecting on how she might choose to label herself. Ellen eventually concludes that she is comfortable with both she/her and they/them pronouns, which is in itself a major step toward Embracing Self-Discovery and Freedom of Expression.

“My chest flutters with every cool touch while Isa’s skirt sways below us.”

The way that Ellen reacts to people’s touch is a telltale sign of how she feels about them on a subconscious level. Ellen always feels calm and happy when Isa touches her, and the same can be said of Abba. Both of these people understand Ellen’s unique needs, and Ellen feels safe with them. However, the sensation of her chest “fluttering” also implies that she is experiencing a level of romantic interest in Isa.

“Our cable cars rise, one after the other. Barcelona comes into view on one side of our car, the Mediterranean Sea on the other. Streets spread out from the beach like veins toward Plaça de Catalunya.”

Barcelona is one of the central motifs in the story, and the vibrant city is a fruitful source of imagery in this story about Embracing Self-Discovery and Freedom of Expression. Everywhere the team goes, there is something new and beautiful to see, and the cable car trip to the military fort is a powerful example of how the city’s beauty can captivate those who behold it. In this moment, the students are forever changed by their experience in Barcelona.

“I chew on the inside of my cheek. This is okay, I decide. I just won’t share that it’s Xavi who Andy likes.”

Laurel pressures Ellen into telling her that Andy is gay, and although Ellen intuitively knows that breaking Andy’s trust is wrong, she is so eager to repair her friendship with Laurel that she allows the other girl to manipulate her and manages to convince herself that there is nothing wrong with revealing Andy’s private matters. As Ellen becomes torn between her old friendship with Laurel and her new friendship with her teammates, the quest of Finding Belonging Among Friends proves to be a challenging and complicated process for her to navigate.

“I used to believe everything would make sense if I could just find a category to put it in. But I also believed Abba when he said identity isn’t always straightforward, that faith and relationships can be complicated. Now, my lists seem too simple, almost pointless.”

In this scene, Ellen reflects on her old way of thinking and realizes that her practice of narrowing everything down into distinct categories was far too simplistic to provide her with an effective understanding of the world. As she gets older and learns from those around her, she also learns about her own quirks and preferences, and she soon realizes that people cannot be categorized so easily.

“Things aren’t always black and white, Ellen.”

Laurel and Ellen finally address everything that has been bothering them, and with this flat statement, Laurel indirectly reveals that she sometimes finds Ellen’s approach to life to be irritating. After knowing Ellen for so many years, Laurel knows that Ellen tends to think literally and categorically, and she points out the flaw in this way of thinking.

“Call it destiny, or a pattern. The exact word doesn’t matter. I know where I’m meant to be.”

Ellen revels in her success at Finding Belonging Among Friends and accepting the companionship of her new team. She also reflects on the past two weeks and realizes that each choice and experience has led her to this precise moment. While many of these experiences were difficult and tested Ellen’s limits, they also forced her to grow and to reassess the relationships in her life. As a result, Ellen has found her place with new friends who accept her and her differences.