Etched In Sand: A True Story of Five Siblings Who Survived an Unspeakable Childhood on Long Island

Etched in Sand: A True Story of Five Siblings Who Survived an Unspeakable Childhood on Long Island is a memoir written by Regina Calcaterra and originally published in 2013. Calcaterra wrote the memoir to call attention to the Failures of the Child Welfare System and emphasize the importance of Ending the Cycle of Abuse and Finding Purpose in Suffering. Etched in Sand focuses on Calcaterra and her siblings’ childhood in Long Island, New York and the Resilience Through Family Bonds needed to survive it. The book was a New York Times Bestseller.

This guide utilizes the 2013 HarperCollins edition of the memoir.

Content Warning: The source material and guide feature depictions of mental illness, child abuse, child sexual abuse, graphic violence, cursing, emotional abuse, and death.

Summary

At the time of writing, Regina Calcaterra is Suffolk County’s chief deputy executive. She looks down at Long Island by helicopter after Hurricane Sandy, and the destruction creates complicated feelings within her. Long Island is both the place of her worst childhood memories and the only home she ever knew. She remembers sneaking to the beach with her four siblings, writing their names in the sand and circling them with hearts. These acts of love held them together.

In the summer of 1980, 13-year-old Regina sits in the back of her mother Cookie’s battered Impala with her siblings Norman, Rosie, and Camille. Cookie, who is abusive, selfish, and crude, drives them to an old house, insulting her daughters as she orders them to unpack their belongings, which are all in garbage bags. The children know not to complain lest they be hurt in retaliation, and they are used to moving from place to place. As they clean the partially furnished rooms and settle in, they are grateful to have power and a place to sleep. As expected, Cookie soon disappears without explanation, leaving the children on their own, much to Regina and Camille’s relief.

With their mother gone, Camille and Regina care for the younger siblings, Norman and Rosie (the eldest, Cherie, moved out with her husband). They rely on stolen groceries and a few dollars’ worth of food stamps to feed the family while Cookie is gone, and they have no idea when she will return. During dinner, Camille reveals that she plans to spend the summer with a friend named Kathy to escape her chaotic home life. Regina is used to being left alone but hates it and begs Camille to stay. Camille leaves anyway, promising to send money and check in, and Regina is left to care for her younger siblings.

Regina and Camille work to avoid authorities, knowing that they will be separated if anyone finds out their situation. When Cookie is gone for weeks, Regina has to take care of Norman and Rosie, including feeding them and securing the house. She brings them to the library every day to escape through books. The day that Camille brings a roast chicken is a major highlight. Regina becomes malnourished and exhausted; she grows pale and loses hair. When Cookie briefly returns, she brings the children to search through dumpsters for new school clothes. One night, Rosie drops a glass while Cookie is sleeping. Cookie brutally attacks her until Regina intervenes and is beaten severely. She runs away but soon returns, unable to leave her siblings alone with Cookie.

Regina’s teacher notices her declining performance and haggard appearance, and soon a social worker arrives at the house. Seeing Regina’s bruises, the worker insists on the truth, and Regina finally reveals the abuse. Her relief quickly turns to guilt, as she fears she has doomed her siblings. Regina and Camille are taken away again and move to a new foster home with a woman named Addie, who is strict but caring. As they begin emancipation paperwork, Regina recalls her earlier years. She remembers being taken from a loving home, though she does not know where this home was or who her caretakers were. After moving in with Cookie, her biological mother, she endured severe abuse, being tied to a radiator, and an entire host of abusive experiences that help cement her choice to sign the paperwork.

Regina remembers the years after she and her siblings were taken from what she calls the Happy Home. Initially, they lived in an unkempt apartment above a glue factory, and Cookie subjected them to frequent abuse. Later, they enjoyed months of relative stability when Cookie moved them into a more comfortable home with her new partner, Karl, but Regina instinctively knew it was a fleeting comfort. She excelled in school, and her teachers took notice, but winter brought more difficulties as Cookie abandoned her children in a cold house for months. When Cherie got pneumonia, social services intervened again. Regina and Camille briefly found stability with kind foster parents, only for Cookie to regain custody. Cookie’s attempts to reconnect with her estranged parents failed, but it opened the door for Regina to connect with them years later. Cookie’s temper got worse from work stress, resulting in physical abuse to the children again. Regina began working at a deli to support herself and her siblings in the hopes of one day escaping. When Regina was tied up and locked in a closet, she coped with the experience by remembering better days with her siblings, when they wandered the beach together and found clams.

Returning to age 14, Regina decides to sign her emancipation. Camille prepares to leave foster care, while Regina earns money to prepare for independence. Despite Regina winning her case, Cookie retains custody of Norman and Rosie, who are sent to Idaho and continue to experience abuse under her care. Regina maintains contact through letters and relies on Cherie’s help to support her younger siblings, while also gaining acceptance to university and pursuing her own success.

Regina and Camille begin building independent lives and looking toward their futures. Camille starts a family with her husband and new son Frankie, while Regina is accepted into university and later transfers to a school in New York. She gains confidence through her international politics class with Mr. Brownstein, who also offers her emotional support. Meanwhile, Rosie’s situation in Idaho worsens, leading Cherie to intervene and bring her to New York temporarily without Cookie’s consent. Despite attempts to protect Rosie, Regina and her siblings realize they can ultimately only rely on themselves when Rosie is taken back to Idaho after only a few days. Regina moves into her first apartment, begins an internship at the state senate, and pursues a political science degree. She begins to form a clear sense of purpose and direction for her life when she establishes a professional career as an advocate for veterans and later attends law school while working as director of intergovernmental affairs. A letter from “Aunt Julia” inspires Regina to visit and find out more about her family history. At the same time, her many attempts to connect with her father are outright rejected.

Regina visits Aunt Julia, who confirms that she and her siblings lived with her as young children, providing clarity about the happy home Regina remembers. Julia’s husband was Regina’s uncle, and they originally intended to raise the children until social services intervened and took them back to Cookie. When Cookie is later diagnosed with cancer, Regina visits her but receives no apology, leaving her without the closure she wanted. Regina pursues a paternity test against her father, Paul, leading to a lengthy legal battle that includes multiple appeals and delays. Eventually, the court rules in Regina’s favor, and a DNA test confirms Paul as her biological father, giving her the answer she sought.

The memoir’s conclusion sees Regina as she rebuilds her life, moving back to Long Island, reconnecting with Rosie, and strengthening her sibling bonds. At the same time, Camille has multiple strokes, which rallies the family together in her support. In the Epilogue, Regina responds to Hurricane Sandy as executive director of a commission addressing disaster preparedness, alongside her continued work in advocating for youth in foster care. Through her memoir and advocacy, Regina achieves personal fulfillment and finds stability with her siblings and family.