Finding My Way: A Memoir

During university Yousafzai was sometimes gripped by nostalgia and homesickness for her hometown, Mingora. Her move to the UK was sudden and out of her control, making her homesickness especially painful. She always held certain childhood memories close to her heart and maintained that Mingora’s mountains were the most beautiful in the world.

Despite this longing for home, she felt reluctant to meet other Pakistani people and only minimally participated in the school’s Pakistan Society meetings. Yousafzai was jaded by widespread criticism of her in her home country, where some people believed conspiracy theories that she and her family had faked the shooting to gain attention, money, and British passports. Others thought the shooting was real, but hated Yousafzai for being beloved by western countries, and considered her a traitor for leaving Pakistan. At first, Yousafzai was devastated by these conversations, which she followed online. She even created a fake profile to engage her trolls, trying to understand why they hated her and threatened to kill her. The most painful accusation was that Yousafzai did not care about her fellow Pakistanis, when in reality she was working to improve girls’ education in the country. She was even using her Nobel Prize winnings to build a new school in Shangla, a mountain town where her relatives live. This ambitious project took years of work, which Yousafzai followed from her home in the UK. She remembers her surprise when she received a message from a fellow Pakistani at Oxford inviting her to a social gathering. While she was scared of being judged or betrayed, Yousafzai decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and went to the gathering.

Yousafzai was more nervous to hang out with her fellow Pakistanis than other peers at Oxford. Nevertheless, she attended the party and was happily surprised to find herself easily connecting with her peers. Everyone was welcoming, and no one asked uncomfortable questions. Yousafzai was especially delighted to get to connect over shared cultural interests like cricket.

Yousafzai began to hang out with her new friends regularly, and she was amazed by the range of beliefs and lifestyles within her group, which always felt welcoming. Unlike her, these new friends came from moneyed families in major Pakistani cities, and she felt that they were more sophisticated and at ease in the world than she was. Over time, Yousafzai lost her fear of engaging with others and felt that her lonely high school years were far behind her. While she loved feeling more connected to Pakistan through her friendships, Yousafzai still experienced homesickness, and she wondered how she would keep changing in her years away from Pakistan.

That summer break, Yousafzai felt a new desperation to return to Pakistan. Her father was reluctant, as the family needed the government’s permission, which had always been denied. Yousafzai knew the government wanted her to be safe and not cause controversy, but she was impatient to return home after more than five years away. She threatened to make the trip alone. Finally she got her wish, and she and her family journeyed to Islamabad, the capital, where she gave a speech. She and her extended family were hosted by the Prime Minister, and Yousafzai was overjoyed to reconnect with all her cousins. At the event Yousafzai’s father gave a speech, and she briefly thanked everyone for coming. One of her uncles also stood to speak, expressing his gratitude that Yousafzai had survived her assassination attempt and praising her for sacrificing her beauty for their country. Yousafzai was angry at this sexist remark, which made her self-conscious and implied that she had knowingly martyred herself with hearing loss and facial paralysis. She felt that the focus on her looks was misogynistic. Later she reset herself and focused on the most exciting part of the trip: visiting her hometown.

Yousafzai was thrilled to take a helicopter ride to her hometown. Her parents were more emotional, remembering how they helicoptered their injured daughter off of that very helipad all those years before. When the family arrived in Mingora, Yousafzai was startled by how dead it all seemed; the town had been completely shut down for her arrival. Revisiting her childhood home was particularly emotional for their mother, and Yousafzai found her childhood belongings as she had left them. After a brief visit, Yousafzai was herded back to the helicopter. She longed to see the river, but her security told her it was too dangerous to be so exposed.

Back in Islamabad, Yousafzai reunited with her childhood best friend, Moniba. She was hopeful that they would still connect just as they always had. While they had stayed in touch over the phone, Moniba confessed that she still felt amazed that Yousafzai was really alive. Yousafzai reveals that Moniba was holding her hand beside her on the bus when she was shot. Moniba told Yousafzai a new piece of information about that terrible day: when she arrived home, she was covered in Yousafzai’s blood and thought that she had been shot, too. For days, she checked herself for bullets, and she still has nightmares about it. Yousafzai realized that she had hoped Moniba would be the same girl she knew, but that her friend had also been changed forever by the shooting. Nevertheless, the two enjoyed sharing about their very different college experiences and hopes for the future. Yousafzai realized that once again, Moniba would be the last person she saw before leaving Pakistan.

Yousafzai’s trip to Pakistan left her feeling euphoric and freed her from her narrative of Pakistan as the “before” of her life story, with the UK as an “after.” Instead, she realized that she could keep revisiting all the important places in her story. She came back to Oxford with a renewed energy, though more for her social life than her schoolwork. She continued to prioritize her freedom and social time over her studies, feeling that her memories with her friends were as crucial to her development as her homework. Her latest interest was going to club nights with friends, finally feeling free enough to dance in public. Yousafzai’s close friendships fueled her zest for life.

Yousafzai met a young man named Asser through a mutual friend. She fell for him immediately and was not shy about expressing her interest. Having become more confident, she wondered if she had a chance with him. Asser was open about his difficulty in finding a good romantic match. He had experienced some good relationships with women in his hometown of Lahore, Pakistan, but had been disappointed when one girlfriend broke it off to live in America, while another dumped him because he was not as wealthy as her sister’s fiancé. This left Asser looking for someone who could be a true friend and who prized humor and values above all. Yousafzai was intrigued by his perspective and hoped that she could fit the bill.

Yousafzai was thrilled when Asser reached out to her and they arranged to meet for dinner at a Birmingham restaurant. Now 21, Yousafzai fit Asser into her busy schedule, as she was travelling home from Brazil and off to Dubai just days later. They had a wonderful conversation and promised to meet again a week later. Yousafzai gave Asser a tour of Birmingham, and the two enjoyed the botanical gardens and another meal. Yousafzai found Asser sweet and handsome and was surprised to learn that his teenage years had also been disrupted by unexpected loss. He had enjoyed a comfortable childhood but came home one day to find that his father had sold their possessions and fled the country to escape his gambling debts. Asser’s life changed overnight. Yousafzai felt that his tough experience made it easier for her to relate to him.

Yousafzai was thrilled that she and Asser had such enjoyable dates. He asked her to stay in touch over her six-week trip to the US, and she readily agreed. New to dating, she felt unsure of how he felt. Yousafzai asked a mutual friend to ask him about his feelings. Unfortunately, her friend told her that Asser felt they were in different places in life and that he did not want to pursue her romantically at the time. Yousafzai was crushed.