Finding My Way: A Memoir

Yousafzai was shocked when she found herself quarantined at home with her parents and younger brothers. For the third time in her life, a major event beyond her control had wrenched her out of her routines and away from those she loved. Yousafzai missed her friends and was sad to miss out on all the university experiences she had hoped to have in her final year. At home, her parents wanted to care for her again, but she felt she had grown out of that dynamic. She struggled to connect to her younger brothers, who were now rebellious teenagers. As her world closed in around her, Yousafzai slipped into a depression.

Yousafzai was saddened and withdrawn, but agreed to her parents’ suggestion that she join them on their evening walks along Birmingham’s canals. She realized that nature was a healer for her and that she had to keep up walking as a habit. As she spent more time with her mother, Yousafzai was amazed by how much she had changed in the last few years. Her mother’s English had hugely improved, she had made several friends, and she had begun weightlifting at a gym. Yousafzai reflects on how her mother’s confined upbringing in Pakistan left her with little education and a highly conservative worldview. While she knew that her mother was always trying to protect her, she found it hard to have a relationship with her, as her mother strictly enforced the rules of their Pashtun society. Nevertheless, as Yousafzai got older, she better understood her mother’s good intentions. When she was a child in Pakistan, her family took in a 13-year-old rape survivor, and her mother helped the girl procure an abortion. This act went against Yousafzai’s mother’s faith as well as Pakistani law, yet her mother did it to save the girl’s life and protect her reputation. In Yousafzai’s eyes, this made her mom a “hero” (213). Always closer to her father, Yousafzai longed to one day be friends with her mother as well.

Cooped up at home, Yousafzai studied hard, connecting with her classmates online and preparing to complete her Oxford exams from her own bedroom. Still dealing with pandemic restrictions, she and her family treated themselves to meals out, comparing restaurants and even accidentally trying pork ribs—forbidden by Muslim dietary rules. The author’s life was consumed by her studies, and she hoped that she would pass her exams and graduate. After spending hours completing online exams in her room, Yousafzai celebrated with her family and nervously awaited her grades. She was thrilled to learn that she graduated with an upper second-class Bachelor of Arts degree. This milestone was a chance for her to reflect on the achievement of her years-long dream to attend university even when she didn’t know a single woman who had done so. Her accomplishment made her feel like a winner.

Yousafzai and her security team returned to Oxford to move her belongings out of her dorm room. Hastily packing her things, she tried not to feel sad about everything she was leaving behind as she moved into a new phase of life. As she walked out of Lady Margaret Hall, she remembered why she had chosen to study at that college: The flowers and nearby river reminded her of Mingora. As she left, she imagined all her friends and peers on campus with her and reminisced about all the good times she had there. She gained a new perspective on college, realizing it wasn’t a home she had to leave but more like a gate she needed to pass through.

Now graduated and living with her parents, Yousafzai faced the prospect of marriage. She and Asser had kept in close contact over the previous year, continuing their relationship with daily phone calls. While she felt sure of their love, Yousafzai had always had a negative view of marriage and struggled to see herself as a wife. While she wanted to simply live with Asser without a formal commitment, she felt that, within her family and culture, this was impossible. To wrap her head around the idea of making a life-long commitment, Yousafzai grilled Asser on his politics and religion, hoping to feel more confident in the match. She recalled growing up in Pakistan and feeling sad for the women in her life who were clearly unhappy in their arranged marriages. As a woman, she felt the stakes in the relationship were much higher for her than for Asser. She wished that her grandmother, who had recently passed, was still alive so she could ask her more about her experience.

That summer, Yousafzai was overjoyed when Asser received a tourist visa to visit the UK with his mother. With pandemic restrictions eased, the two enjoyed each other’s company for two weeks and had a good visit with their families. In Asser’s presence, all of Yousafzai’s doubts about their relationship dissolved, but she continued to worry about the question of marriage. Asser admitted that the uncertainty around their relationship was hard on him, but he wanted to work through Yousafzai’s doubts with her.

Yousafzai pondered her next steps. Many of her friends were going to graduate school, and Yousafzai was frustrated that the pandemic limited her travels and activism. When British Vogue magazine offered her the cover and an interview, Yousafzai agreed, feeling excited at the opportunity to rebrand herself as an adult. During the interview, she found herself being unexpectedly candid with the magazine’s young, friendly journalist. She did, however, keep her relationship with Asser private. In the interview, Yousafzai shared her doubts and concerns about the institution of marriage. When the interview came out, her comments caused a scandal in Pakistan, and she received numerous death threats. People from politicians to imams called on Yousafzai’s family to apologize and explain, claiming that to be critical of marriage was un-Islamic.

Yousafzai refused to apologize, considering the criticism extreme and unfair. Asser called to assure her parents that he had no problem with the comments, and that many Pakistanis still liked and supported her. Tired of always being the subject of criticism, Yousafzai found solace with her friend Alice. She then decided that it was time to see Asser again in person and discuss their relationship.

She and Asser met in New York City and drove to Lake Placid, in the Adirondack Mountains. Yousafzai agreed with Asser’s approach to vacations, enjoying new activities like yoga, falconry, and canoeing. As the days passed, Yousafzai privately brooded on their future, putting off the serious conversation they intended to have. On the drive to the airport, she told Asser that she had made up her mind: she was ready to marry him.