Finding My Way: A Memoir

Yousafzai and Asser settled on having a small, intimate wedding ceremony at her home in England. The day before their wedding, her uncle in Pakistan died, and her mother flew back for the funeral. Weeks passed, and Yousafzai and Asser waited for her return. Finally, she came home, bringing a special wedding outfit for Yousafzai. The day before the wedding, Yousafzai’s mother was particularly stressed, and she criticized Asser for not buying new shoes for the ceremony. Yousafzai felt sorry for her mom, who only speaks Pashto and therefore could not communicate with Asser, who speaks Urdu and English. Feeling stressed, Yousafzai picked a fight with Asser over his clothes and was alarmed to learn that he could not afford a new outfit since his job had stopped paying him when he extended his trip to England. That night, Yousafzai was consumed with stress, worrying about other secrets Asser could have and wishing she had known. Thinking it over, she realized that she had always externalized her worries, imagining that they were about Asser or marriage itself. In reality, she had been raised to allow others to make decisions for her, making it hard to trust herself and her own decision-making.

The next morning, Yousafzai was relieved to wake up to happy messages from Asser. The day was a joyful whirlwind, and the two enjoyed their ceremony and celebration. They ate with their families and took beautiful photos. One of Yousafzai’s pictures featured her new husband kissing her left hand. It was her favorite one, which horrified her mother. In their culture, weddings are segregated by sex, and wedding photos tend to only feature the groom and his male relatives. Nevertheless, Yousafzai decided to use that photo to announce her marriage to the world.

The author considers how her life as an adult is different from what she had imagined when she was a child. Rather than the solitude she had envisioned, Yousafzai is enjoying married life. After their wedding, her husband resigned from his job and began working freelance so he can join her on their travels around the world. She reflects on how her husband’s companionship has improved her life, noting that he always encourages her to explore the cities she visits and to try new activities, especially sports. He is also supportive of her social life and patiently deals with her family, even her mother who likes to redecorate their apartment. Now 28, Yousafzai feels equally at home in Pakistan and the UK, and she is no longer so affected by people’s hateful criticism of her. Instead, she expresses gratitude for how she feels at home in so many places.

Yousafzai feels that ups and downs are inherent in life. Whenever she is happy, she knows that a new low will come next. She remembers visiting South Africa to give a speech at the 21st Annual Nelson Mandela Lecture in Johannesburg, hoping to convince the South African government to sign the new United Nations’ Crimes Against Humanity Treaty making gender apartheid illegal. This would mean that the Taliban’s actions against girls and women would be considered illegal under international law. Yousafzai had closely followed the unfolding horrors of the Taliban’s treatment of girls and women since their reoccupation of the country two and a half years before. This constant flow of tragedy took a toll on her; one night during her trip, she woke up and had a terrible panic attack, similar to what she had experienced in university. While her own tragedy feels long in the past, the ongoing atrocities in Afghanistan are so stressful to her that her body “tears itself apart with grief” (289).

In the wake of her intense panic attack, Yousafzai returned to therapy. As much as she wished that therapy could deliver a lightbulb moment, she realized that it was a long process that took consistent work. She and her therapist, Evelyn, began meeting weekly to delve into Yousafzai’s trauma as well as other old wounds and habitual behaviors. While the author was skeptical about the concept of self-care, she soon realized that intentionally taking care of her body and mind was essential to her health. She pushed herself to begin running and even learned to swim.

In her final chapter, the author reveals that she recently visited the school she built in Shangla, Pakistan. Arriving at the school felt surreal; she remembered wishfully thinking of taking Asser there someday, and now it was a reality. She noticed the 12-foot-high walls surrounding the school to keep it safe. After seven years in operation, the school had seven hundred students and dozens of teachers. Yousafzai was thrilled to see how the school was thriving. The students enjoyed high-quality instruction and materials, and they had access to activities like art and tree planting. Each student had a healthy school breakfast at the beginning of the day. Yousafzai thought about how she and her friend Moniba would have loved to attend such a school. The school even had a dedicated counselor, which would have been considered an absurdity in Yousafzai’s childhood. Many of the girls shared their ambitious dreams for the future, and Yousafzai wished she could give them some of her life wisdom. She reflects on how growing up means shedding rigid identities and expectations and learning to accept change—including changes in oneself.

Yousafzai wonders what would have happened if the Taliban had never shot her. She often considers this parallel universe, imagining herself living in a Pakistani city or staying in Mingora. Sometimes she has wished that she could live out that life, but now she feels it may have been more stifling and difficult. After her school visit was over, Yousafzai visited her grandmother’s grave. She told her grandmother about all the changes in her life and asked her to watch over the students in Shangla. From her grandmother’s grave, Yousafzai could see the Shangla schoolgirls race out of school and toward their buses. Being amongst the mountains and wildflowers made her grateful for her Pakistani home, but seeing the girls thriving made her feel certain that she would never trade her new life for her old one. Instead, she embraces the path she is on and all the opportunities and experiences that have come with it.