Finding My Way: A Memoir

Yousafzai was born and raised in Mingora, Pakistan, a mountain village near the Swat River. When she was a child, the Taliban invaded and occupied the Swat Valley, and Yousafzai lived in fear of their ultra-conservative rules and brutal violence. She documented her experience on a BBC blog, making her a target. At the age of 15, Yousafzai survived the Taliban’s assassination attempt, making a full recovery in Birmingham, UK. She soon realized she was world famous, and the media painted her as a “serious and shy” girl—an inaccurate depiction of her true personality (6). Yousafzai felt bewildered and misrepresented by her public image, which had mythologized her into a hero. In reality, she writes, she had grown up as a highly social and sometimes mischievous “troublemaker” (6). As she was inundated with opportunities to tell her story, Yousafzai soon found herself in a world of adults who saw her as “a public figure and a product to be marketed,” making her withdrawn and self-conscious (7). She particularly did not appreciate being asked about her traumatic experience and learned to be dismissive of these questions.

While packing for college, Yousafzai took out the outfits she had carefully hidden under her bed so her parents couldn’t find them. Her mother had always insisted she wear the shalwar kameez—a traditional outfit comprised of loose pants and a long tunic—paired with a headscarf, but Yousafzai wanted to dress differently and blend in with the other young people on campus. After a lonely and painful high school experience, she had high hopes for university. She was culturally and socially a fish out of water when she began attending a girls’ high school in Birmingham. Still learning English and new to the British approach to schooling, Yousafzai felt shy and socially isolated, and she struggled with her schoolwork—a radical departure from her old life as a bubbly and high-achieving student. While she eventually made a friend named Alice, Yousafzai was always painfully aware of her outsider status, and she had no peers who understood where she had come from or what she had experienced. Looking ahead to Oxford, she desperately hoped that university would be different.

Despite its small size, Yousafzai was thrilled with her college dorm room, her first place of her own. She lived with the nearly constant presence of two Metropolitan police officers trained in special protection, as she remained a target for Islamic terrorists. Nevertheless, she was determined to blend in with other students and get a fresh start at Oxford. On her first day, she was glad to meet Cora, another student in her Philosophy, Politics, and Economics program.

Surrounded by new opportunities, Yousafzai joined the Oxford Union, a debate society, as well as the Christian Union and Hindu Society, so she could learn about Pakistan’s other faiths.

Yousafzai felt self-conscious about her fame and was embarrassed to take photos with other students who wanted selfies. However, her new friend did not make a big deal of Yousafzai’s fame, and she finally felt she could enjoy a genuine and relaxed friendship.

Yousafzai prepared to study at Lady Margaret Hall, one of Oxford University’s many colleges. Her first-year nerves worsened when she realized that she had neglected to do pre-course math problems and readings over the summer. She soon learned that first-year Oxford students were expected to attend every tutorial and not work outside of their studies. Yousafzai did not grow up reading many books; bookstores and libraries were nonexistent in her village. She marveled at the beauty of Lady Margaret Hall’s library and its tens of thousands of books. She remembers settling in, determined to finish all her summer homework, only to realize that it was much more difficult than she expected. She gave up for the day, leaving the library to enjoy her Friday.

Yousafzai recalls how she wanted to experience new things, like going out clubbing, but was conscious of how the British and Pakistani tabloids were following her around on campus. She tried to keep her life boring and routine in the hopes that they would give up. She soon made more friends: Henrica, a refugee from Zimbabwe who aspired to have a talk show, Yasmin, an immigrant from Iran who wanted to become a writer, and Anisa, a lively and assertive girl from India. Yousafzai was thrilled to finally be part of a close gang of friends again, just like back home in Pakistan. She began to experience the freedom she had always longed for, going out dancing and eating with friends late into the night.

In an excited frenzy, Yousafzai signed up for all kinds of school clubs, including the rowing club. She was intimidated to begin, as she had never been in a rowing boat before and couldn’t swim. She enjoyed the first meeting, but when she arrived home, she was inundated with messages. Tabloid reporters had published photos of her attending the row meet in jeans, prompting some readers in Pakistan to insult her for not wearing her traditional clothes. Yousafzai’s parents were also disappointed and concerned. Her mother was furious that she had worn Western clothes, while her father was more understanding.

Yousafzai explains that for many men in her culture, their sense of familial honor and cultural pride is dependent on women behaving a certain way. She recalls that when she was a child, her male, teenage cousin slapped her for walking through the village in wet clothes after playing in a stream. Yousafzai rejects the double standard for how men and women should dress, pointing out to her father that her own brothers are allowed to wear jeans. Conversely, some commentators derided Yousafzai for wearing a headscarf, claiming that she was being compliant with her own oppression. These opinions were also painful, since Yousafzai wore her scarf to remind herself of home and show Pakistani girls that women in headscarves can do the same things as everyone else. The author felt truly conflicted about the conservative criticism of her outfits. As an education activist, Yousafzai advocated for girls’ right to an education, and she knew that these critics were the very people she was trying to persuade. Nevertheless, her clothing choices were a crucial part of her freedom and individuality, and she did not want to give that up.

The author’s forays into independence and adventure gave her a new excitement for life. When a third-year student offered to take her up to the top of the bell tower at night, she agreed. The climb up was daring, as she had to walk on a tiny ledge and risk falling many stories to the ground. Yousafzai loved this dangerous act, as it made her feel free from the suffocating expectations of being a star student and activist.

Yousafzai went home for Christmas, where she was expected to study about 20 hours a week for her mini-exams. While these exams were not for credit, professors used them to monitor student progress, and Yousafzai knew she had a lot of catching up to do in her learning. Unfortunately, her parents loved entertaining guests and expected Yousafzai to participate in these social occasions. She felt like a painting in a museum and resented these intrusions into her personal life and time. When she returned to Oxford and completed her first mini-exams, she was shaken; she could answer only half the questions.

Yousafzai had little time to remedy her academic situation, as she had agreed to make appearances in Lebanon, Switzerland, and Monaco. She was passionate about her activism, but realized the pressure it put on her university life. In high school, she had had free time and summer breaks to dedicate to her appearances, but life at Oxford offered no such breaks. Not only did Yousafzai feel a responsibility toward girls around the world, but she also felt immense pressure from her family, since her speaking fees paid for her parents’ mortgage and all their living costs. Not only that, but the Yousafzai family sent money back to relatives in Pakistan and had promised to fund post-secondary education for the relatives’ children. Yousafzai reeled from the news that she was not meeting academic expectations and felt crushed under the competing pressures of her Oxford studies, her family, and her activism.

Yousafzai became a trusted confidante and sounding board for her friends, all of whom were going through ups and downs in their dating lives. She always encouraged her friends to date men who were truly interested in and respectful of them, and not to sacrifice too much time or energy on flaky guys. Meanwhile, Yousafzai herself eschewed dating. She knew that any potential romance would be dissected by people back home, and she didn’t want to create scandal. She laments that many Pakistani families are extremely strict with their daughters, not allowing them to have any contact with the opposite sex. She shares that girls she knew growing up were murdered by their families for disobeying. While her own family was not so extreme, her parents still expected her to abide by Pakistani social norms, such as not touching men. Yousafzai was mortified when her mother scolded Prince Harry for putting an arm around her for a photo. Moreover, Yousafzai did not feel confident or attractive, as the shooting had left her with facial paralysis in her left eye and mouth. She felt that even with a “normal face and no cultural baggage” she would not find anyone she liked, but then she met a young man named Tarik (57).