Finding My Way: A Memoir

In Finding My Way, author and activist Malala Yousafzai explains that as a young woman thrust into worldwide fame, she did not recognize herself in the media’s portrayals or the public’s perceptions. Whether the media lauded her as a brave hero or degraded her as a fraud and national embarrassment, Yousafzai often felt caricatured, as these extreme representations did not capture her real personality or life experience. Lionized by some and derided by others, she felt confined. This confinement impacted her coming-of-age journey, as Yousafzai felt that each personal and professional step forward was fraught with tension.

Yousafzai’s status as a child survivor of terrorism and the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner in history gave her a reputation as a heroic figure. While such portrayals were positive, a teenage Yousafzai felt the burden of these high expectations. She writes, “When you search my name, the word you see over and over is ‘brave’” (180). Because of her well-known work as an education activist, Yousafzai also felt pressured to perform well as a student herself. She recalls her academic supervisor’s scolding over her grades, writing, “I didn’t care where I ranked among the other students, but Lara’s line about my ‘passionate commitment to education’ stung. Would people think I was a fraud or a hypocrite for giving speeches about the importance of girls going to school if they saw my prelim exam marks?” (136). Yousafzai’s recollections about her time in university show that being a public figure made her feel a greater sense of obligation to perform well in every area of her life.

As a teen and young woman, Yousafzai often feared how she would be perceived in Pakistan. She was already subject to criticism and conspiracy theories about her shooting, and she worried that if she upset the conservative factions in the country, her activism work there would be jeopardized. Since her top priority was helping girls access education, Yousafzai had to maintain a respectable image according to Pakistani customs, limiting her ability to define her own identity. The author recalls how straying from tradition prompted vicious backlash among some in her home country. For instance, a photograph of her wearing jeans was a viral sensation in Pakistan. She explains, “Hundreds of people, mostly Pakistani men, voiced their shock that I was wearing jeans instead of a shalwar kameez. There were comments calling me a traitor or a porn star; others claimed my clothes were a sign that I had abandoned my country and religion” (37). The author was aware of how such negative attention could affect her work. She remembers, “To help girls like them, I had tried, for a long time, to obey all the rules—to wear the clothes my mom picked out, to be the deferential daughter that Pakistani parents expect” (40). The reality of living under a microscope made Yousafzai feel self-conscious and conflicted, but ultimately she decided that she had to come of age in her own way, regardless of the praise or condemnation of the public. She explains, “I couldn’t live a normal life if I was always looking over my shoulder, trying not to cause a scandal” (40). Her wedding photos, published in British Vogue, represent this reclamation of her public image: The magazine spread opens with an image of Asser kissing Yousafzai’s hand—scandalous to some in her Pashtun community, but an expression of the kind of equal partnership Yousafzai wants her marriage to be.