Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock

Leonard compares the nighttime cold to death. He remembers Hamlet’s famous words about the afterlife, “What dreams / may come?” (173). Leonard would prefer “Übernothing” (174) rather than an afterlife. 

Asher’s mother makes dinner through the Beals’ bay window. Leonard pretends he is watching a film called “Mrs. Beal Makes Her Perverted Son His Last Meal” (175). In a footnote, Leonard recalls Mrs. Beal’s inattentiveness throughout his and Asher’s friendship. Once, while Leonard ate with Asher and Mrs. Beal at a restaurant, Asher pranked the server. Mrs. Beal appeared not to notice Asher’s behavior, which Leonard watched with contempt. 

Leonard remembers how Mrs. Beal always provided pizza and sang songs from Cats. He imagines her finding Asher dead in his room. He wonders if Mrs. Beal’s lack of intervention contributed to his and Asher’s conflict. Leonard considers the tragedy of uncaring parents and, in a footnote, recalls his dad taking him to a Christmas Carol-themed event while high. 

Asher had an Uncle Dan, who took him on a fishing trip in the months after he and Leonard saw Green Day. A week after the trip, Leonard and Asher work on a Machu Picchu model for school. Asher acts distant and defensive, then he destroys the completed model and strikes Leonard in the eye.

Asher apologizes to Leonard for ruining the model. Asher admits, “Something happened on the fishing trip” (182), then leaves. Over time, Asher begins to bully others and mock Leonard. Asher’s aggressive behavior might have signaled a crisis. Leonard wonders if Asher treated others the same way he later treated Leonard; Leonard believes he must stop this with murder.  

Through the bay window, Leonard sees Asher—or “Primary target” (184)—retrieve dinner from his mother. Leonard feels nervous and overheated as he holds the gun. Asher sits before his computer again. Leonard urges himself to walk with the gun outstretched toward Asher. 

Leonard remembers Asher sexually abusing him, manipulating him, and blackmailing him in this bedroom. Uncle Dan sexually abused Asher as well. Asher abuses Leonard for two years. Although Leonard resists him, he wants to maintain their friendship. Asher beats him for resisting. Their friendship ends after the fight, and Leonard’s mother waves off his attempt to tell her what happened. 

Since then, Leonard has become a school pariah, and Asher a powerful, well-liked bully. Leonard remembers his mother seeing the abuse and doing nothing in response. 

The summer before the abuse began, 11-year-old Asher and Leonard rode their bikes all day alone. They explored new towns all day and felt free. Leonard asks himself, “What happened to those two kids who simply loved to ride bikes for hours and hours?” (191). Leonard points the P-38 at the back of Asher’s head and envisions what will happen when he pulls the trigger. 

Asher turns off his computer and masturbates in the dark. Leonard, remembering the bike ride, begins crying and decides not to kill Asher. Leonard takes a photo of Asher masturbating and turns on the flash so Asher will see. 

Leonard makes his way back through the forest and considers how Asher will react to the camera flash. He realizes how much less fearsome Asher appears now that he has seen him masturbate. At a riverside spot that his peers call Troll City, Leonard returns to thoughts of suicide. 

Leonard recalls a James Baldwin quote about consequences that his classmates discussed in Herr Silverman’s class. Leonard considers his level of responsibility for both his and Asher’s problems. He holds the P-38 against his temple and tells himself his worries are about to end. He puts down the gun to check his phone for a birthday message from Linda. He finds nothing. He lifts the gun again and pulls the trigger.