Fortunately, the Milk

The time jump puts Professor Steg and the father in a dark and ominous place, populated by the unfriendly wumpires. Steg explains that they are on a mission: “I am trying to get back to the present. My assistant is trying to get home to the future for breakfast” (63). The mention of breakfast reminds the wumpires that they have missed their usual breakfast of “vigglyvorms, vith orange juice on them” (63). The father and Steg start to look like tasty vigglyvorm substitutes.

As the wumpires get ready to eat the father and Steg, one asks about the time machine box. The father tries to convince them it is just a sandwich box. One wumpire can’t resist pressing a button, zooming them six hours forward into bright sunshine, causing the wumpires to melt into “oily black smoke” (65). Professor Steg sets the time machine to the father’s present, but a man’s arm suddenly reaches through a hole in space and grabs the milk. A familiar voice says: “I’ll explain later. Fate of the world at stake” (65), before disappearing with the milk. Seconds later the hole reopens, and the milk is thrown back to the father. The voice calls “Catch!” which the father does. Confused, the father says: “He did say he’d explain later […] And that wasn’t much of an explanation” (66). Steg clarifies: “But it’s not later yet, […] It’s still now. It won’t be later until later” (67).

The boy and his sister interrupt their father’s story again. The boy asks whether Steg and the balloon are on the front lawn. The little sister says she wishes there had been some “nice, handsome, misunderstood wumpires” (68).

The father continues his story. The time jump lands him and Steg back at the father’s house, but as Steg is saying goodbye, they are sucked back up onto the same flying saucer a second time. The angry “globby people” continue their demand for Earth so they can remodel it. Their remodeling plan consists of replacing all the trees with plastic flamingoes, clouds with scented candles, mountains with throw-cushions, and famous landmarks (such as the Eiffel Tower and Australia) with decorative plates depicting the actual landmarks. The globby aliens proudly show off their updated security systems. They press a new button (called a “grundledorfer”) which summons all the angry creatures and people that the father and Professor Steg annoyed on their travels, including the volcano god and a bowl of piranhas, all looking for revenge.

The boy’s little sister interrupts their father, confused about the piranhas. Her father explains that the piranhas were involved in a side adventure that he forgot to mention.

The aliens deactivate Steg’s time machine, but there is enough juice left to open a “little window in time” to their last location (86). The father reaches through the time window and grabs the milk from himself 15 minutes earlier. The aliens are confused about the father’s apparent love of milk. The father (with the help of the volcano god) explains: The two milks are the same milk, and “If two things that are the same thing touch […] then the whole Universe shall end” (88). Not wanting to risk being stuck in a non-existent Universe, the aliens make the angry mob of pirates, wumpires, and unusual people disappear. After a brief, unsuccessful attempt at negotiating for a partial Earth remodel (just the Southern Hemisphere), the aliens prepare to leave. They are stopped by a loud voice shouting: “GALACTIC POLICE. DO NOT MOVE” (91).