60 pages • 2-hour read
How to Lose Your Mother: A Daughter's Memoir
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Chapters 11-13Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of death.
Chapter 11 Summary
This chapter opens with the death of Molly Jong-Fast’s aunt at age 77, a loss that prompted her to visit Ken at his nursing home facility. Ken requested a red tie for the funeral and expressed his desire to return to their former apartment, which Jong-Fast had secretly sold.
The chapter further delves into Jong-Fast’s complex relationship with her mother. She describes the painful irony of finally having her mother’s attention after years of desperately seeking it as a child, only to no longer want that connection. She recounts childhood memories of sitting outside her mother’s office, hoping for time together, and competing with Ken for solo trips with her mother. Now, as an adult, she found herself avoiding visits and lying about when she would return.
Jong-Fast presents her mother as existing in a liminal state between life and death, both present and absent simultaneously. During phone conversations, her mother failed to recognize important information, including Jong-Fast’s 45th birthday, and could not grasp that Ken was dying despite Jong-Fast’s direct attempts to communicate this reality. The author reflects on how she began referring to her mother in the past tense even while she remained alive, a shift that made Jong-Fast question her own mental stability.
The chapter incorporates Jong-Fast’s childhood experiences with birthdays celebrated in Italy among adults rather than peers, using specific examples, like receiving hard candy from a countess and leaving behind a heavy bocce ball set. These memories illustrate her lifelong difficulty with connecting with people her own age and her sense of not knowing how to be fully human until she achieved sobriety.
The chapter also addresses Jong-Fast’s guilt about being what she considers a bad daughter to a woman who was a “terrible mother.” She acknowledges this imbalance while recognizing that no amount of material comfort can fill the emotional void created by their relationship. The chapter includes a scene in which her mother, while watching news coverage of the Hamas attack on Israel, declared they should travel there and fight because they are Jewish. This moment highlights both her mother’s confusion and Jong-Fast’s relief that her mother no longer has access to social media to share such thoughts publicly. The chapter concludes with Jong-Fast’s recognition that her mother may no longer understand her own circumstances, which might be preferable to the alternative of knowing that she has been placed in institutional care.
Chapter 12 Summary
Jong-Fast dismantles her mother’s apartment while simultaneously confronting Erica’s deteriorating mental state. The chapter opens with Jong-Fast reflecting on her 26-year career in television, establishing her morning routine of early studio appearances that anchor her sense of purpose and identity.
The central narrative focuses on Jong-Fast’s emotionally fraught task of sorting through decades of accumulated possessions in her childhood apartment. With the assistance of a hired helper, she confronts closets filled with designer clothing from brands like Gucci, Versace, and Dolce & Gabbana, garments that represent her mother’s lifelong belief that material goods could solve personal problems. Jong-Fast reveals how shopping at Bergdorf Goodman was a shared ritual between them, a fantasy space in which the right purchase promised to fix whatever was wrong in their lives. These shopping expeditions were conducted secretly, with purchases hidden from Ken, creating cycles of guilt and recrimination when the bills arrived.
The author describes the overwhelming process of disposing of her mother’s archive—paintings, photographs, and books that documented Erica’s literary career and public persona. Jong-Fast admits to selling her parents’ entire book collection, an act she recognizes as both a practical necessity and emotional revenge against the codependent relationship between her mother and stepfather that excluded her. To her, this decision reflects her ongoing struggle with childhood feelings of abandonment and her mother’s emotional unavailability.
The chapter’s emotional climax occurs when Jong-Fast recounts receiving the news that her mother was featured on the cover of The New York Times Book Review for the 50th anniversary of the publication of Fear of Flying. When she visited her mother in the memory care facility to share this achievement, she encountered a woman diminished by dementia who could not fully comprehend the significance of finally receiving the literary recognition she had always craved.
The disconnect between this long-sought validation and her mother’s inability to appreciate it becomes a meditation on legacy, memory, and the meaning of artistic achievement. Jong-Fast reflects on how her mother’s generation of writers has been overshadowed by changing cultural priorities and shortened attention spans. She observes that her mother’s work, once groundbreaking in its frank treatment of female sexuality, now seems less relevant in contemporary discussions of feminism and social justice. The chapter concludes with Jong-Fast’s recognition that her mother’s public persona was her only identity—there was no private version reserved for family, leaving Jong-Fast feeling she never had access to an authentic maternal relationship.
Chapter 13 Summary
Chapter 13 chronicles the final days of Molly Jong-Fast’s stepfather Ken and the immediate aftermath of his death. Ken’s health continued to deteriorate—his heart could no longer function properly, causing fluid to accumulate in his lungs. After being informed by medical professionals that hospice care was necessary, Jong-Fast agreed to the arrangement despite her internal resistance to accepting Ken’s impending death.
The hospice process unfolded rapidly over three days in December, just before Christmas. Jong-Fast describes her emotional detachment and her inability to maintain a bedside vigil, hiring caregivers to fulfill duties she felt she should have performed herself. She notes that this pattern reflects a broader theme in her relationship with her parents—relying on paid assistance rather than providing direct care. Jong-Fast openly questions whether her approach stems from resentment over her own neglected childhood, wondering if her parents’ use of nannies influenced her current reluctance to provide hands-on care.
During Ken’s final moments, Erica demonstrated confusion about the situation, alternating between denial and acceptance and even suggesting remarriage as Ken lay dying. Jong-Fast left to fulfill work obligations, including television appearances, using professional commitments as an escape from the overwhelming emotional reality of watching someone die.
Ken passed away quietly in the early morning hours while Erica slept beside him. Jong-Fast arranged an expedited funeral, driven by her desire to complete the process quickly rather than prolong the emotional difficulty. At the service, both Jong-Fast and her mother delivered eulogies. Erica’s speech was coherent and heartfelt, expressing genuine love for Ken, while Jong-Fast’s eulogy led to a moment of self-reflection about her own shortcomings as a stepdaughter. She recognized that Ken had been a kind, devoted partner to her mother, who had deserved better treatment from her.
Following the funeral and mourning period, Jong-Fast traveled to California with her husband Matt, leaving her mother alone during the Christmas holiday—a decision that intensified her guilt about being an inadequate daughter. In California, she reconnected with her biological father and stepmother, finding comfort in their embrace and realizing she had loving parental figures available to her.
The chapter concludes with Jong-Fast retrieving Ken’s cremated remains from the funeral home. When signing the release form, she identified herself as his “daughter” rather than “stepdaughter,” suggesting a final acceptance of their relationship. She placed his urn alongside that of a beloved pet. The chapter ends with Jong-Fast and Matt walking their dogs through Manhattan, reflecting on their losses and their transition into full adulthood as the older generation passes away. Jong-Fast acknowledges that she has become the stable, responsible adult in her fractured family unit, accepting her role despite her perceived inadequacies.
Chapters 11-13 Analysis
In these concluding chapters of How to Lose Your Mother, Jong-Fast oscillates between grief, duty, and the gradual acceptance of loss. The chapters chronicle the deaths of multiple family members—Jong-Fast’s aunt, her stepfather Ken, and the metaphorical death of her mother through dementia—while simultaneously exploring the author’s struggle to fulfill familial obligations despite her complicated relationships with these figures. The narrative structure moves through a series of death-related events that serve as both literal plot points and metaphorical markers of the author’s transition into full adulthood. Jong-Fast uses a confessional tone throughout these chapters, acknowledging her shortcomings as a daughter while simultaneously contextualizing these failures within the broader framework of her dysfunctional family dynamics.
The theme of The Dangers of Unhealthy Defense Mechanisms culminates in these chapters as Jong-Fast repeatedly distances herself from the reality of her family’s deterioration. Her avoidance behaviors manifest in multiple forms: leaving the nursing home quickly during visits, paying others to perform caregiving duties, and even fleeing to California immediately after Ken’s death. Jong-Fast writes, “I’m always leaving now. I always have somewhere I must go. Often, I’m just running somewhere—running away as much as running to” (222). This pattern of escape extends beyond physical absence to emotional detachment as she describes feeling unable to cry when sorting through her mother’s belongings, as well as feeling uncomfortable with prolonged visits to the nursing home. The author’s dissociation becomes particularly apparent when she notes how she began referring to her mother in the past tense while she was still alive, demonstrating a psychological distancing that allowed her to cope with the gradual loss of the mother she once knew.
The theme of The Corrosive Effects of Fame appears in Jong-Fast’s recounting of her mother’s reaction to being featured on the cover of The New York Times Book Review. Rather than experiencing triumph, Erica responds with confusion and disappointment, asking why the newspaper didn’t call her directly and expressing bewilderment about the significance of the coverage. The author reflects on how her mother’s entire identity was subsumed by her public persona, noting, “There was no version of mom who was just for me. There was only one Erica Jong and that Erica Jong was the same one who spoke at classes and on Donahue” (216). This dissolution of private selfhood into public image created a situation where even Jong-Fast’s most intimate relationship with her mother was mediated through the lens of celebrity, leaving no space for genuine maternal connection. The irony becomes particularly sharp when Jong-Fast observes that her mother finally received the literary recognition she had always craved, but dementia rendered her unable to fully comprehend or appreciate this achievement.
The theme of The Complexity of Loving an Emotionally Unavailable Parent threads throughout these chapters as Jong-Fast continues to grapple with her simultaneous love for and resentment toward her mother. The author’s internal conflict becomes evident when she describes removing her mother’s opal ring before visiting the nursing home, a gesture that symbolizes both guilt over inheriting her mother’s belongings and the complicated nature of their relationship. Jong-Fast acknowledges that despite her mother’s failures as a parent, “She did love me and gave me everything she had to give. It never felt like enough, or maybe it should have been” (237). This recognition of her mother’s limitations while still mourning the relationship that never was demonstrates the author’s understanding of how parental love can be both genuine and insufficient. The complexity deepens when Jong-Fast realizes that even as her mother’s attention becomes available through dementia, she no longer wants it, highlighting the tragic timing of this breakthrough.
The chapters demonstrate Jong-Fast’s use of confession as both a rhetorical strategy and a means of self-examination. Her repeated acknowledgments of being a “bad daughter” function as a form of preemptive self-criticism that simultaneously seeks absolution and demonstrates self-awareness. This confessional mode allows her to examine her own behavior critically while also contextualizing it within the framework of her family’s dysfunction and her own recovery from addiction. The author’s honesty about her failures—missing hospital visits, paying others to provide care, leaving for California immediately after Ken’s death—creates a narrative voice that is both self-deprecating and ultimately self-forgiving. This balance enables Jong-Fast to acknowledge her shortcomings without allowing guilt to overwhelm the narrative or obscure the larger patterns of family dysfunction that contributed to these failures.
The resolution of these chapters suggests that Jong-Fast achieved a form of acceptance regarding both her family’s limitations and her own. Her decision to write “daughter” rather than “stepdaughter” when claiming Ken’s ashes represents a symbolic claiming of relationship and responsibility that transcends legal definitions. The final image of the author and her husband walking their dogs through Manhattan positions them as the surviving adults who must now navigate life without the previous generation’s presence, however problematic that presence may have been. This transition into full adulthood, marked by the deaths of parents and the acceptance of one’s own mortality, represents the culmination of the grief process that structures the entire narrative of How to Lose Your Mother.
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