How to Love Better: The Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness, and Compassion

The author distinguishes between attachment, which leads to controlling behaviors, and voluntary commitments that honor both oneself and one’s partner. Individuals can begin by identifying where they tend to grip tightly—perhaps insisting on specific communication styles, making demands about socializing, or having rigid expectations about how care should be expressed. Once they have noticed these attachment patterns, the next step is to pause and ask, “What am I afraid will happen if I loosen my grip?” Finally, individuals can transform these expectations into open conversations about what they can willingly offer those close to them. For example, rather than demanding immediate responses to messages, partners might discuss reasonable communication timelines that respect both individuals’ boundaries. In romantic relationships, this approach creates space for both partners to feel seen and valued for who they are, not for how well they meet rigid expectations. Voluntary commitments allow love to flow freely because they’re rooted in choice rather than demand. By letting go of the need to control outcomes, one creates relationships where everyone involved can evolve authentically while remaining deeply connected.

Throughout the book, Pueblo recommends approaching arguments as opportunities for deeper understanding rather than as competitions to win. When disagreement arises, one can begin by acknowledging that both perspectives have validity rather than assuming one’s own view is correct. “Selfless listening”—focusing fully on what the other person is expressing without mentally preparing a rebuttal—is also key and goes hand-in-hand with a simple rule: Before responding to a point, individuals should first summarize what they’ve heard to confirm they’ve understood correctly. In workplace settings, this might mean acknowledging a colleague’s concern about project direction before explaining one’s own rationale. With friends, it could involve recognizing their feelings about a perceived slight before clarifying what one’s intention was. Pueblo stresses that heated emotions often signal important unmet needs or values, so when someone becomes defensive about seemingly minor issues, they’re likely protecting something significant. By approaching arguments as opportunities to discover what matters most to each other, individuals can transform potential relationship damage into deeper connection.

Pueblo introduces the concept of “individualized care,” recognizing that loving someone doesn’t automatically mean knowing how to care for them properly. Individuals might begin by observing how loved ones respond to different expressions of care, noting which actions light them up versus those that seem to miss the mark. This lays the groundwork for explicit conversations about preferences: Direct questions such as “When you’re stressed, would you rather have space or company?” or “Do you prefer verbal affirmation or practical help when you’re feeling down?” are best. It may be helpful to create a personalized “care manual” that one can reference when a loved one needs support. In family relationships, this might mean recognizing that a sibling feels loved through quality time, while a parent values acts of service. With friends, it could involve understanding that some need check-in texts during difficult times, while others prefer offers of tangible assistance. In general, caring well is skilled work that requires continuous learning, not intuition. By rejecting the myth that understanding how to love someone is automatic and instead approaching care as an ongoing study, individuals can create relationships where both people feel truly seen and properly supported.