How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America: Essays

Femiphobia is a term that was coined by the late poet and psychology professor Denis O’Donovan to describe a man’s fear of becoming a woman or being socially feminized. He discussed the term on the Phil Donahue Show in 1998. Laymon uses the term to criticize the American cultural insistence that Black boys need the presence of Black men as role models to become well-adjusted. He insists, and reasserts throughout his collection, that Black women have been his greatest supporters throughout his life, even in instances in which he did not always show them the same devotion.

In an epistolary exchange with other Black men, writer Darnell L. Moore uses this term to describe his gay identity and expression of gender. Gender-maneuvering refers to how people perform gender in social contexts to gain power. In some instances, people perform a strong, conventional masculine identity to gain a sense of dominance, while others perform traditional femininity for the same reason. Gender displays occur through clothing choices, hairstyles, voice tempo, and topics of conversation. One can maneuver, or adjust one’s expression of gender, by altering one or more of these characteristics.

American writer Darnell L. Moore mentions heteronormativity in the context of heterosexism. His discussion of heteronormativity in the essay in which he is featured is inspired by his own struggles with the term homophobia, or discrimination against gay, bisexual, and lesbian people. Social critic Michael Warner coined the term in 1991. Heteronormativity assumes that heterosexuality is the normal and most legitimate sexual orientation. Heteronormativity is reinforced through popular culture, religious institutions, and literature.

Misogynoir is a portmanteau, or combination, of the words misogyny and noir (French for “black”). It refers to the unique expressions of misogyny and sexism toward Black women. Misogynoir is frequently inflicted on Black women by non-white men, while it also is reinforced by a white supremacist and patriarchal culture. African American feminist scholar Moya Bailey coined the term. In Bailey’s book Misogynoir Transformed: Black Women’s Digital Resistance (2021), she describes the ways in which misogyny and racism have impacted representations of Black women in visual culture.

Patriarchy refers to a society in which men manage most resources, descent is mainly traced through the paternal line, men are seen as heads of families, and men hold most political and economic leadership positions. The word, which comes from Greek, literally translates to “rule of the father.” Despite some countries pursuing more egalitarian social and economic policies, patriarchy remains the dominant social model throughout the world.

Laymon explores the ways in which patriarchy creates toxicity both in American culture and within Black communities. He describes how the exclusion and debasement of Black women was integral to the genesis of hip-hop culture and how Black male camaraderie has often meant tolerance of abuse against Black women. Laymon’s choice to focus his collection of essays on his relationships with the most important women in his life—his grandmother and mother, particularly—is part of his effort to dismantle patriarchy and the belief that men need to identify exclusively with other men to legitimize their identities.