Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans

One day, Rosy was behaving rambunctiously, and she spilled coffee on the igloo floor. Doucleff is upset at first but then notices that none of the other people in the house seemed to mind; instead, Sally calmly cleaned up the mess and told Tusi, whose coffee was spilled, that her “‘coffee was in the wrong place’” (143).

Among the more than 100 Inuit parents Doucleff interviewed came the same advice: never yell at children. In Inuit culture, anger is perceived as a sign of immaturity. Instead, Inuit parenting is “incredibly nurturing and tender” (145), with even the mildest punishments viewed as unacceptable. Both Inuit culture and science agree that yelling at children reduces their listening skills. Doucleff ties this back to her three steps of training children—model, practice acknowledge—explaining how by yelling, parents model anger, often triggering children to practice yelling back, which the parent then acknowledges by responding with increased anger.

In modern parenting, methods that reduce anger are referred to as “positive parenting.” Although the method is popular, Doucleff argues that it is not easy, and modern parenting often neglects two key factors when discussing positive parenting—reducing anger towards children and redirecting children’s misbehavior without anger.

Doucleff admits that she struggled to shed her anger in her parenting approach. She justified it by assuming that all parents yell, but her perspective changed after living in Kugaaruk, where, despite a chaotic environment, anger is rarely displayed yet the adults maintain authority. Surrounded by emotionally intelligent Inuit parents, Rosy’s behavior began to change, illustrating how Doucleff’s anger was increasing Rosy’s emotional reactions. Watching Sally and Maria’s parenting style, Doucleff noticed two key steps, to stop talking and to have less or no anger toward children.

Doucleff writes that it took her six months to fully implement the first step and to cease talking when she gets angry, and she still “slips up” from time to time. She found her relationship with Rosy improved once she learned to close her mouth and to walk away from angry situations. However, Rosy could still sense when Doucleff was mad—”She’s like a canary in an emotional coal mine” (151)—so Doucleff worked toward step two, or reducing her anger, which she was only motivated to do after witnessing firsthand how Sally and Maria lived with virtually no anger.

Doucleff draws a distinction between suppressing anger and reducing anger, explicitly stating she is not referring to the suppression of anger. She also identifies cultural barriers to reducing anger, including the isolated environments Western parents tend to inhabit. Further, Doucleff argues that there is no scientific evidence to suggest children intentionally trigger anger or “push boundaries,” as is commonly believed in Western cultures. She shares two of three rules she learned from Inuit elders to control anger—expecting children to misbehave, ceasing arguing with children.

In Team 2, Doucleff examines the second element in her parenting acronym: encouragement. Doucleff’s principle of encouragement excludes force or coercion. Doucleff writes that among hunter-gatherers, it is rare to see punishment or coercion in parenting. Force, according to Doucleff, results in degraded intrinsic motivation, tension, and fewer learning opportunities. She suggests that by treating a child with respect and autonomy, they will learn how to behave appropriately.

In her fourth “Try It” section, Doucleff offers actionable advice, advising parents to reduce anger toward children by staying quiet, walking away, reframing misbehavior, calmly stating consequences, and “letting go” of misbehavior. This is followed by a summary section covering chapters eight and nine.

Doucleff argues that many parenting books present advice but do not provide concrete parenting tools. She writes that she observed numerous parenting tools while in Kugaaruk, and she warns readers against taking the tools “too literally,” noting that readers will need to adapt the tools to apply in their particular circumstances. For instance, Doucleff attempted to use the concept of siblinghood to teach Rosy to share; this technique didn’t work because Rosy did not connect with the concept. However, Doucleff found success when she encouraged Rosy to adopt the role of “mama,” resulting in Rosy willingly sharing her toys and food with a toddler at the park.

Doucleff identifies three “sets” of tools to help mitigate tantrums, to alter misbehavior, and to make long-term behavioral changes. First, she explores tools to control tantrums and other high-emotion situations, advising parents to remain calm, use physical touch to redirect, identify sources of awe, take or send an emotional child outside, or overtly ignore tantrums.

To mitigate misbehavior, Doucleff suggests parents learn how to give a stern, communicative look, effectively communicate and use consequences, ask questions, give the child a task or responsibility, and use actions instead of words, such as by performing the requested task, heling the child complete a task, or changing the child’s environment. Doucleff criticizes Western parenting for offering too many verbal choices to children, arguing that parenting practices that use less talking result in less conflict—”Fewer words cause less stress” (190). She acknowledges that she will never completely master low-talk parenting methods, given her American heritage, but she shares that even “minor changes” have resulted in success for her and Rosy. Doucleff revisits the concept of overtly ignoring unwanted behavior.

In her “Try It” portion of the chapter, Doucleff summarizes parenting tools she uses, including space, silence, tasks, and fewer commands. She also advises parents to record themselves interacting with their children, so they can listen and analyze the interaction later.

In Kugaaruk, Doucleff notices that to alter children’s behavior over the long-term, parents use stories. An Inuit elder, Eenoapik Sageatook, explained that children cannot reason during emotionally charged situations, thus, it is better to approach the child when they are calm, using stories to help children think through their behavior.

Doucleff notes how both Kugaaruk and San Francisco—where she lives—are dangerous. In Kugaaruk, parents used storytelling to prevent children from engaging in dangerous behaviors and to instill cultural values, such as telling stories about sea monsters to keep children away from the water. While Doucleff initially thought such stories might be too scary for Rosy, she put them into practice and found that Rosy loved hearing detailed stories about monsters. Doucleff reiterates that the point of stories is not to scare the child into compliance but to present behavioral lessons in creative and engaging ways.

She notes how other parenting responses, like anger, yelling, and punishments, scare children—”To be honest, I would rather Rosy be afraid of a ‘refrigerator monster’ or the ‘spiders in a dress’ than fear me or her father” (207). Doucleff also suggests parents try telling family histories or science-based tales, and she advises parents use anthropomorphism and imaginary monsters, sharing some of the monsters that she uses—a yelling monster, a shoe monster, and a “jimmy-jammy monster” (212).

Similar to stories, dramas can be used to make long-term behavioral impacts on children. Doucleff reflects on a visit to Baffin Island, where she met with Myna Ishulutak. Myna grew up in a family who lived off the land. She and her family were studied by Jean Briggs, with Briggs referring to Myna as Chubby Maata in her book Inuit Morality Play (1998), in which Briggs noted the heavy use of dramas or role-playing in Inuit parenting.

Instead of reprimanding children, parents may act out consequences, such as acknowledging misbehavior, such as expressing pain when a child hits, then later reenacting the circumstances, so the child can think through their behaviors. For instance, a parent may ask a child to hit them again during a calm moment, giving the child the chance to think about whether they should or not. If they do hit the parent, the parent can then address the behavior, emphasizing consequences and asking questions like ‘“Don’t you like me?’” (217).

Doucleff asserts that dramas are effective tools because they give children the chance to practice acceptable behaviors and they “turn discipline into play” (220). She quotes two psychologists Laura Markham and Larry Cohen, who reinforce the idea that children emotionally regulate and learn through play. Doucleff reflects on a time when she let Rosy practice proper behaviors by repeatedly riding her bike toward a busy intersection to practice braking.

Doucleff advises parents to use stories and dramas during playful or relaxed moments, and she suggests parents try putting on a puppet show, reenacting problems through play, or putting on a drama to emphasize the consequences of misbehavior.