Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans

Doucleff describes living among the Hadzabe families, including how the fathers would congregate under an ancient baobab tree in the mornings. Doucleff and Rosy would sit outside and watch life among the Hadzabe, and Doucleff noticed Thaa’s daughter, Belie. She first noticed Belie, who was around five years old, caring for an infant, later realizing that Belie often stayed close to her and Rosy. Doucleff gave Belie a muffin, and instead of eating it herself, Belie fed the treat to her infant brother.

Doucleff reflects on an evening bonfire where she struggled to learn a hunting song in Hadza—the language of the Hadzabe people which uses clicks. One of the men, Pu//iupu//iu, gave Rosy and Doucleff Hadza names: respectively, Tok’oko’, or “wild cat,” and Hon!o!oko, or “wait-a-bit,” which is what the Hadzabe call thorny acacia trees. Doucleff’s Hadza name made her realize that the men had been watching her during the hunt where she struggled to keep up and got stuck in a tree.

Another day, Doucleff and Rosy went with a group of women to dig tubers. While everyone else was digging, Belie tended the younger children, and she collected baobab seeds and gave them to Rosy and Doucleff to eat. Later, Belie climbed a tall cliff to collect baobab seeds, which she later turned into a porridge shared among everyone. Doucleff marvels at Belie, realizing that her new name—wait-a-bit—applies to her parenting.

Doucleff contrasts the freedom given to children in Tanzania with the relatively confined environments Western children inhabit. She describes Tetite, a toddler who was allowed to roam away from camp. Although allowed to roam freely, Tetite was always being watched by one or more caretakers. Doucleff realized that Hadzabe children have autonomy, as opposed to independence. She delineates the concepts, correlating independence with the isolated and curated environments created for Western children and autonomy with the confident self-sufficiency she saw in Tanzania.

Many hunter-gatherer cultures, including the Hadzabe, prioritize respect and autonomy, including in their parenting, unlike Western parenting, which often prioritizes control over children’s behavior—”In fact, many parents in hunter-gatherer communities go to great lengths not to tell children (or adults) what to do” (252). Parents use more indirect methods when they need to intervene, such as explaining consequences or asking questions, and, in result, they have fewer conflicts with their children.

Doucleff admits that, while she viewed herself as “laid back,” she realized that she was bossy when compared to Hadzabe parents. She argues that controlling parenting methods lead to dependent, demanding children, also criticizing the practice of providing children with choices as controlling. Before her transformative research, Doucleff associated instruction and commands with good parenting, but she has since altered her views, prioritizing Rosy’s autonomy. She notes that some individuals may be worried about autonomy endangering a child or making them “spoiled,” and she counters that autonomy makes children more confident and competent. She also argues that the relationship is complex—”A child is like a bottle of wine—the final product depends not only on what the winemaker (i.e., the parent) does during fermentation (i.e., the parenting) process, but also the environment under which the grapes are grown (i.e., the community’s values” (256).

Doucleff reflects on the relative independence she had growing up in a rural area, arguing that she did not have autonomy, noting how she was, in many ways, self-reliant but that she was not connected to her community, which is a critical element in autonomy. She notices two main types of connectivity among the Hadzabe families—first, responsibilities or obligations to others, and second the “invisible safety net” of people watching out for each other. She also lists several benefits of autonomy, such as improved career outlooks and reduced risks of developing an addiction. Doucleff reflects back on her Hadza name of “wait-a-minute,” acknowledging how Western parents often fail at providing their children autonomy. She goes on to offer concrete advice, suggesting parent reduce the number of commands they issue, stop speaking for their children, don’t intervene in children’s arguments, remove rules, teach the child how to avoid injuries or other dangerous situations, and find safe places to allow autonomy, like parks or libraries.

Doucleff writes that, from the outside, her life in her San Francisco condo seemed idyllic, but she admits that she struggled being isolated in such a confined space with Rosy for long periods of time. She developed postpartum depression, and she acknowledges she was privileged enough to have access to mental health care and childcare, noting those without financial security surely have a more difficult time parenting. Doucleff explores human evolution, focusing on how, comparatively, human infants are born prematurely and require years of intensive care. Thus, early hominins needed help, evolving complex societies that included allomothers, or other responsible and loving figures that care for children, like extended family members, neighbors, or teachers.

Doucleff refers to alloparents as a “circle of love” (278), emphasizing how alloparents not only ensure the safety of children but also provide a source of love. This strong support network helps young children develop a sense of security in their environment. Research by Abigail Page among Agta children in the Philippines suggests that children may learn best from slightly older peers, making younger allomothers particularly beneficial.

Doucleff describes how Hadzabe mothers, like single mother Subion, have a strong support network of allomothers, which eases their parenting burden. This social support has additional benefits, including significant health benefits and a strong sense of trust in the world. Doucleff hypothesizes that if she had had allomothers to help her with Rosy, she would have had an easier time and likely would not have developed depression.

In her “Try It 9” section, Doucleff advises parents to rely on alloparents, teach older siblings how to take care of younger siblings, build a support network, and to “tolerate” relatives, advocating for meaningful connections rather than numerous connections.