I Am Not Jessica Chen

Surrounded by all the art at the exhibition, Aaron asks Jenna if she misses making art. Jenna insists that she can still paint, though she hasn’t tried as “Jessica”; nevertheless, she dismisses painting as not being a “useful skill.” One must be the very best to make anything of one’s life as an artist, and additionally, it doesn’t give her enough validation, as artistic preferences are too subjective.

As promised, one of the teachers introduces “Jessica” and Aaron to Mr. Howard, the school director. However, Mr. Howard seems barely interested in speaking with her, mispronouncing Jessica’s last name and even mixing her up with Cathy Liu. On the contrary, he moves on to converse with another student, Sarah Williams, with much more engagement, as they discuss Sarah’s family, beach house, visits to a country club, and more. Jenna is disappointed, but Aaron reminds her that, to people like Mr. Howard, they are nothing more than marketable results that can bring in more students.

Aaron and Jenna come across a series of Jenna’s paintings on display. However, the eyes and nose of all the self-portraits appear to have been smudged out with a layer of dark paint. The art teacher doesn’t seem to remember who the artist is, nor does she recall a Jenna Chen when “Jessica” mentions her. Unsettled that she is being quickly erased from everyone’s memories, Jenna leaves with Aaron.

Back at Jessica’s, Jenna tries to paint Aaron, but the strokes don’t come out right no matter how hard she tries. Defeated, Jenna and Aaron wonder what they can do. Aaron accidentally knocks over Jessica’s journal, and it opens to an entry Jenna has missed: The day Jessica received her Harvard acceptance. It describes how tired Jessica feels, and how she wishes someone could take over her life and live it for her. It ends with, “I don’t want to be Jessica Chen anymore” (254).

The next day at school, the academic awards for the year are announced. Leela and Celine wait in anticipation and are relieved when they each receive one. “Jessica,” as usual, receives a whole host—one in each category. 

However, “Jessica” is approached by another student, Lachlan Robertson, a “legacy kid” whose family has been associated with the school for generations and who lives in a world of trust funds and international holiday homes. Lachlan is angered that Jessica has won the Betty Robertson award instead of him. The award, started by Lachlan’s grandmother, is awarded “to someone who embodies the school spirit” (260). Lachlan suggests that “Jessica” ought to stick to only the academic awards, as that is all she is good for. He asserts there is nothing special about her, and that she only received the award as a diversity choice. Angered by Lachlan’s deliberately insulting and racist remarks and unable to refrain from responding, Jenna flings her book at the wall behind him.

One of the teachers, Ms. Lewis, immediately summons “Jessica” and Lachlan to her office. Jenna is awestruck when Ms. Lewis only berates “Jessica” for her behavior, suggesting she ought to have been the bigger person and just walked away at Lachlan’s words. She realizes how quickly a single mistake can shatter the perception of perfection surrounding people, even for someone like Jessica.

When Ms. Lewis asks “Jessica” to apologize to Lachlan, Jenna insists he do so as well. Lachlan offers a perfunctory and insincere apology, prompting Jenna to say that she is only sorry for hurting his fragile ego; she asserts that he is insecure and ashamed because, deep down, he knows he is not as good as everyone claims he is. When Lachlan threatens to tell his father, Jenna encourages him to do so, as everyone will then learn that this incident occurred because Lachlan was upset about not receiving an award. Without waiting to see either his or Ms. Lewis’s reactions, Jenna leaves the room.

Jenna runs away from the classroom, determined to leave campus. On her way out, she runs into Aaron, who has heard that “Jessica” got into a violent fight with Lachlan. As they talk, however, Jenna is dismayed to discover that now Aaron, too, doesn’t remember that she is Jenna, or who Jenna even is. Jenna resolves to bring Jessica back and undo the switch so she can have her old life back and Aaron will remember her again.

Crying, Jenna arrives at her own house, only to find that all traces of her have disappeared: Birthday cards that she had made for her parents which were earlier on display; her section of the common bookshelf; even a crack in the wall that she had once caused by slamming a door too hard. Her parents are bewildered to discover “Jessica” in their house, sobbing and insisting she is their daughter. Just as Jenna’s mother is about to call her aunt, Jenna overhears the news discussing that a rare meteor sighting is expected that night.

Jenna remembers Aaron mentioning that it might help for the conditions to be similar to the night of the original wish, to undo it. She rushes up to her room to find it completely empty. Jenna’s parents tell her everything in the room has been moved to the garage, as they believed it was things left over by an old tenant. Jenna finds her self-portrait there, but it is a mess of paints, with a human face barely recognizable anymore. She takes it with her. 

As she leaves, she is struck by an old memory of her parents, herself, and Aaron all making dumplings together on an ordinary evening. Although there was nothing remarkable or special about the occasion, she remembers how “everything was ordinary, familiar, serene, and everyone [she] loved was in the room with [her]” (282).

Jenna heads up to the nearby mountaintop that night, along with her self-portrait. She attempts to paint over it and restore her features, but her strokes are clumsy and unfinished again. 

The meteor appears, and Jenna fervently wishes upon it to restore her old life again. She misses different aspects of it, including the people and relationships, but most of all she misses herself. After crying and screaming at the sky that she has learned her lesson, Jenna eventually falls asleep.

Jenna wakes up on the mountaintop feeling lighter, and discovers Jessica standing over her. Sobbing with relief, Jenna tells her everything that happened. 

Jessica reveals that she has faint memories of this, too. The night after the Harvard acceptance, she woke up in a dream state, suspended from her body and watching everything that was happening from afar. While she was more conscious earlier on, as time went by she withdrew more, getting increasingly comfortable in the freedom her detachment afforded her. Both girls wonder how the switch happened at all, and decide that “the cruelest trick the universe can play on [them] is to give [them] exactly what [they] wish for” (292).

When Jenna returns to her house, she is thrilled to discover that her parents not only remember her, but are livid and worried that she was missing that morning. Jenna tells them that she was out on a hike with Jessica, and they calm down a little. Jenna’s mother also tells her that Aaron will want to know she’s back; he had called the house that morning, frantic and worried about where she was.

Even before Jenna’s parents can call him, Aaron arrives. Jenna steps outside to talk to him, and he is relieved to discover that she truly is back. To test her memory, Aaron asks her what he said to her the week before he left for Paris; she remembers him saying that he could never hate her. 

Satisfied, Aaron turns to go, but Jenna stops him, insisting that she knows what she wants, now—he is no longer just some dream for her to chase. Aaron kisses her, and Jenna is overcome with joy. She thinks about how her life is beautiful, and she can paint it any color she chooses to.

At school the next morning, Jenna enthusiastically greets Leela, who is a little befuddled by Jenna’s excitement. Leela spots Jenna’s series of self-portraits in art class and mentions how she recently thought of these paintings, but couldn’t remember who they were by. She had been trying to look them up online, and is happy to discover them here and that they are Jenna’s work. 

Jenna now adds another self-portrait to the series, but it is different than the others: She is “not looking directly ahead or up at something [she] can’t have, but at someone over [her] shoulder, and [she’s] smiling” (302). Aaron waits for Jenna to walk with her after art class, making her very happy and drawing her classmates’ attention as well.

The Chen families gather at Jessica’s parents’ again on Sunday. Jenna tells Jessica how she used to think Jessica was proof that Jenna wasn’t good enough because of how successful Jessica was despite their similar family backgrounds and cultural circumstances. However, Jenna now understands how hard it is for Jessica to be viewed as the “standard.” Jessica, in turn, confesses to never having talked to Jenna about the constant comparison between them because she was worried Jenna wouldn’t want to spend time with her anymore. 

Jenna and Jessica reaffirm their bond with each other. Jessica reveals she is going to confess what she did to Cathy; she can’t handle the guilt any longer and is willing to deal with the consequence, whatever they may be. As Jenna and Jessica head back in together for dinner, hand in hand, Jenna reflects on how “there’s nothing else [she]’d wish for except this” (308).