I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Esther explains her concerns over the unknown origins of Deborah’s illness. She tells Dr. Fried their family history, beginning with her father, Deborah’s grandfather, who immigrated to America from Latvia. He was an angry, hard-working accountant. Esther’s father didn’t find Jacob suitable but was forced to accept their union. When blonde Deborah was born, she was seen as a golden child and a mark of success to her grandfather. Deborah had a tumor as a young child, which was cured after two surgeries. Despite a steady home life in the countryside, Deborah was reserved, always eating, and never sleeping. Her parents took her to a psychologist, but it made things worse. Eventually, Jacob’s financial affairs destabilized, and the family moved into the large family home in the city. When WWII broke out, the family had to sell the large house and move into an apartment. Deborah seemed to blend in more and adopted a passion for drawing. The family unknowingly sent Deborah to a blatantly antisemitic summer camp, and she had trouble making friends at school. Esther, an artist, thought the problem was solved when she realized Deborah was also an artist. However, Esther found Deborah in the bathroom with a cut wrist. Dr. Fried says that she believes Deborah was calling desperately for help. Esther attempted to help by talking to her teachers and trying to arrange gatherings with peers. She thinks Deborah was grateful. The session ends, and Esther leaves wondering why Dr. Fried didn’t seem to see things the way that Esther presented them. Dr. Fried warns Esther not to interfere in Deborah’s mental health condition: She is certain that Deborah’s version of events will be different. She theorizes that Deborah’s illness is a defense mechanism against the world. Esther is allowed to take Deborah out for dinner and a movie; Jacob lurks in the background.

Deborah is reluctant to tell her story, but Dr. Fried insists. Deborah begins with the tumor she had in her reproductive system at age five and her subsequent two surgeries. She recalls feeling like an object and having no control; she had dreams of being torn apart, scrubbed clean with scouring powder, and reassembled, “dead but now acceptable” (39). They said she would feel no discomfort, which angered Deborah. The doctor lied again, telling her it was her doll that would be receiving anesthesia. Deborah felt all the pain of the tumor removal. Dr. Fried reacts to this information with anger and indignation, surprising Deborah. Deborah laments that none of the doctors apologized, believing that the tumor still lives within her as an invisible pain. When Dr. Fried points out that this only punishes Deborah, Deborah replies, “Upuru (the name given to the trauma of the doctors) punishes us both” (40). She retreats into herself and falls silent, terrified after revealing a secret.

A few days later, Deborah returns to reality as she sits with Carla and others. She tells Carla about her mother coming to visit and pushing her for answers about the origins of her illness. Carla blames her mother for her own illness; Carla’s mother shot Carla and the rest of her family, and when Carla survived, she “went crazy” (41). Deborah and Carla appreciate the freedom to speak blatantly about their experiences in the mental healthcare facility: “[O]one is free to call themselves crazy, bats, nuts, loony, and, more seriously, mad, insane, demented, out of one’s mind” (42). Deborah and Carla wonder how long they will remain there.

Deborah attempts to explain how she experiences the world to Dr. Fried. She explains “locked eyes” (43)—a sense that she cannot see the world outside her own shell. As the doctor questions her, Deborah becomes afraid, and her sense of reality withdraws. Despite this, Deborah senses that the doctor can help her, and she attempts to tell her story. When Suzy was born, Deborah was disgusted by her, and remarked on not being consulted about the baby. This caused distance between Deborah and her family and amplified their love for Suzy. As a child, she was bullied by neighbors, who called her “dirty Jew” (45), and as the war progressed, Hitler and his ideology spread to her street and into Deborah’s world. Deborah doesn’t tell Dr. Fried that Yr began at summer camp; she is grateful that Dr. Fried feels angry on her behalf. Back in her room, the Collect and the voices of Yr scream at Deborah, telling her that she is spelling her own doom. Deborah picks up the lid of a tin can that she found on a walk and cuts the inside of her arm 10 times. The next day, she is moved up to the “Disturbed” (47) ward. The others gossip about how privileged she seems.

In the Disturbed ward, Deborah feels both terrified and comforted by the lack of expectations on her. A patient named Lee approaches Deborah and explains that everyone in the ward has psychosis. Dr. Fried wants to know what led Deborah to harm herself, and Deborah explains Yr. She describes it as a place where she finds comfort and company. Slowly, the gods and atmosphere of Yr transformed from one of comfort to “one of fear and pain” (51). Now, Deborah must navigate both reality and the world of Yr, constantly hearing the voices of the Collect and feeling enslaved by the Censor, which prevents her two worlds from meeting. Dr. Fried asks which language, English or Yri, Deborah thinks in while doing art, and Deborah says both. When the session ends, Dr. Fried encourages Deborah to tell the gods of Yr that she and Deborah are working against them. Surprisingly, Yr does not trouble Deborah after the session, but she does slip away from reality, which one of the nurses notice. The nurse prepares a cold-sheet pack for Deborah and says it won’t hurt; Deborah suspects that is a lie. Soon, Deborah is constrained in an icy-cold, wet bed. Three hours pass, and her body heat has warmed the bed, but she has to stay for another 30 minutes. Afterward, she feels weak but in tune with reality. She heads back to her room, where her roommate, who claims to be the secret wife of the King of England, tells her that she was raped while she was in the cold pack, confusing Deborah.