McNally considers how his stroke changed his work. His restaurants were earning $80 million a year but he didn’t care about the money. He ran his businesses with humor and excitement. All of this changed after the stroke. At 65, McNally was otherwise healthy and the doctors struggled to determine the stroke’s cause. His recovery was difficult and his symptoms felt shameful.

Three days after the stroke, McNally’s first wife Lynn and their three children Harry, Sophie, and Isabelle flew from New York to London to visit him. They stayed by his bedside, which upset Alina. Not wanting to interfere, Lynn, Sophie, and Isabelle returned to New York.

McNally recalls the start of his and Alina’s relationship. Their first two encounters were at McNally’s restaurants Balthazar and Pravda respectively. McNally was immediately enchanted by Alina and they soon began dating. They married in 2002, five years later.

McNally reflects on his success as a restaurateur. Although he’s been honored in the industry, he hates award ceremonies. He always felt embarrassed receiving awards, because he believed his success was built on a fraudulent persona.

McNally won a James Beard Award in 2010. Shortly thereafter, he, Alina, and their kids moved into a house in Notting Hill. McNally threw himself into the renovation—an obsession of his. Walking the city during this time, McNally reflected on his childhood and adolescence in London, and his life in New York over years since.

After the stroke, McNally was transferred from Charing Cross to St. John & St. Elizabeth Hospital. Immobile and depressed, McNally’s only relief was sleep; he began taking Ambien regularly. He didn’t yet know this was the pill he’d later use to attempt dying by suicide. He grew even more despondent when he learned he’d most likely never regain the use of his right hand. Not long later, he discovered the stroke had been caused by a coughing fit—which he often had when he was stressed.

For Christmas, McNally temporarily went home. He and Alina had sex in his rented hospital bed. After Alina retreated to her own room, McNally lay awake feeling alone.

The new year proved difficult. McNally was still recovering in London and his restaurants were failing. He’d wanted to get out of the lease for his restaurant Pastis, but the landlord wouldn’t release him. Despairing, McNally found comfort in his son Harry’s presence. They’d been close in the past, but Harry’s presence during McNally’s recovery brought them back together. They used to take regular hiking trips, but drifted apart when Harry dropped out of college. McNally was desperate to escape his lower class origins and thought college was vital for Harry.

McNally reflects on his childhood in Bethnal Green, a neighborhood in London’s East End. He was born in 1951 to his working class parents, Jack and Joy. He had a younger sister Josephine and two older brothers, Peter and Brian. His brothers constantly tormented him, and his parents were always fighting. McNally speculates that Joy resented Jack because she was still heartbroken over her first unrequited love. McNally didn’t truly get to know her until later in life. Joy died in 1998.

Four years later, Jack moved in with McNally in Greenwich Village. Jack insisted on working although he was in his eighties. When he wasn’t separating trash at Balthazar, he was watching movies. He died in 2008. As with Joy’s death, McNally felt guilty after Jack passed away. He wished he’d spent more time with both parents.

McNally considers the impact his sibling relationships have had on his life. He recalls all of his brothers’ bullying when he was young, and his and Josephine’s connection. Over time, however, these dynamics changed.

McNally reflects on his academic experiences. He liked to learn but didn’t like the school environment. He dropped out when he was 16. Not long later, he started working on film sets and taking acting gigs. He traveled the London area, performing in various plays. Despite all the important global events of the late 1960s, McNally was consumed in his new life. It was through the theatrical venue that he met various playwrights.

McNally recalls his relationship with Alan Bennett. The two met while acting in Forty Years On. Alan was older and the two started spending all their time together. They soon began an intimate and sexual relationship. McNally loved Alan’s company because he was knowledgeable and cultured. Through Alan, he also met Jonathan Miller, another talented artist. McNally learned about literature and art through both men.

McNally recalls the first time he read Siddhartha. It was 1992 and he was seeing Alan. The book inspired his forthcoming travels. He visited Kathmandu, Luxembourg, and Afghanistan. Each of these places deeply impacted him. Afghan culture was particularly eye-opening in regard to hospitality, food, and generosity.

Although McNally kept making plans as he traveled, he struggled to follow through. He shifted from place to place, meeting new people and making new acquaintances. Among them was a woman named Monique. McNally felt connected to her after they had sex, but she soon left his side. Her absence deeply affected McNally.

In 1971, McNally traveled back to London and moved back in with his parents. He started dating Christine Baker while continuing his relationship with Alan. Meanwhile, he worked at the meat market in Smithfield. He also worked at a paint factory in Wigan. He didn’t leave these jobs until he returned to the film and theatrical industries in the mid-1970s. He also had other relationships at this time, including with a woman named Chloe. Although McNally was intensely attracted to her, Chloe wouldn’t let McNally touch her.

Finally in 1975, McNally moved to New York, marking the end of his romantic relationship with Alan. He reflects on their connection and one of the last times he saw Alan.